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Welcome to Orsm.net. Don't chop the dinosaur, daddy... you cunt.
This is a pretty momentous day for me. Not only is it my birthday tomorrow but today marks the end of my twenties. A sobering thought... for me anyway. Okay so I'm probably the only one that cares but given that it's the last big one for another 10 years I'm going to make the most of it.
As expected this week has been a giant messy mess. From busting my arse to get the update finished early to eighteen holes of golf today at an oobie-doobie fancy course to a few untimely car problems to a surprise-fly-in-from-overseas-to-celebrate-my-birthday-visit from a best mate - it just hasn't stopped. And to make things juuuuust that little bit more fun I'm battling to keep my eyes open after only managing a couple of hours sleep last nite and all day today in the sun. Poor me huh...?
Anyway I had this idea - instead of doing the usual boring blog thingy I thought I'd do something different to mark my birthday. It took a few attempts, went through a few different concepts but eventually settled on 'I Remember'. Admittedly it's a bit on the lame side but I'm tired so fuck up...
I remember when you could go down to the local deli and buy a 20 cents lolly bag that would last you all day. You could buy 3 lollies for $0.01 and if we ducked down and reached under the counter we would find dropped coins to buy more. Mars Bars used to cost $0.45 and we were shocked when they went to $0.55!
I remember record players and buying albums on vinyl before just DJ's did. In the mid eighties everyone switched to tapes which were cool because we could record the new songs off the radio. Come the early nineties it was CD's and CD walkmans " a few thousand songs on an iPod was something we never even dreamed would exist.
I remember the Commodore 64, the VIC 20 and Amiga 500. They were slow, unreliable, and the graphics SUCKED but they did things we didn't think possible. If you were really lucky you had the 1541 floppy drive, Datasette tape drive and a couple of joysticks so you could fight your mates in Yie Ar Kung-Fu Master or play California Games.
I remember Hypercolour, Vision Streetwear, Bad Billy's, Catch-It, Stonewash, leg warmers and I'm glad we don't have them anymore. Spokey-Dokes, Skate-Bikes, Pound Puppies, Itty Bitty Bins, WWF figurines and Young Talent Time were and still are cool.
CLick Lola to see more. |
I remember playing knock and run, kicking all the poles in the street until the lights went out and then doing it again when they came back on, egging peoples houses, dialling pizzas to our teachers, smashing pig melons and 'finding' supplies on building sites to construct a cubby house.
I remember going to the beach in summer. The vinyl car seats and belt buckles were HOT! There was no air-conditioning, power windows, cruise control, FM radio, DVD players or satellite navigation either. You had to site there and look out the window.
I remember when you wanted to talk to a friend - you'd have to get on your bike ride over to his place. Mobile phones were something rich people had and text messaging didn't always exist.
I remember when beer tasted 'disgusting'. Wine was something all the mums used to drink and came from the Coolabah cask in the fridge. Bottled water? What a stupid idea! Why would you buy it when there's a tap just over there!?
I remember cameras having film. Our family had one and it only used to come out on special occasions. It didn't have a screen on the back for you to review the shot you just took which meant you had to wait until you finished the roll and get the film developed which might not be for a few months.
I remember 6pm. If you wanted to watch something " too bad. That's when dad watched the 6pm news. There were no huge plasmas, no home theatre, there wasn't a TV in every room and if you missed a show you couldn't just go download it.
I remember when everyone was your friend. I remember never being self-conscious. I remember when no-one had an ulterior motive. I remember when the biggest stress in life was forgetting to do a school assignment. Most of all I remember when life was simpler!
This little list could probably go on all day and God knows I had a whole pile of others but if anyone has some they'd like to add I'd rather hear them " email me! And with that I'll cut to the chase and get the update cranking. Check it...
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The annual MAD Ride is on again in Perth this weekend so if you're looking for something to do this Sunday the 23rd get along and check it out. The ride is all about supporting charity and last years event attracted thousands of participants. You can also enter the limited ticket raffle to win a Casey Stoner Moto GP Replica Ducati 999. Good day, good event good cause - don't miss it!
I was asked to run a marathon. I said, "Piss off". They said "Come on, it's for spastics and blind kids."
Then I thought... "Fuck, I could win this."
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Three blonde sisters went to a garage sale and bought a Genie lamp and took it home. When they got home the Genie came out and said: "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you." The first said, "I wish I were more intelligent." So the Genie turned her into redhead. The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than her." She became a brunette. The third blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than both of them." So the Genie turned her into a man.
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Two blacks guys were walking along a road when they were struck by a police car driven by a drunken cop on his way home from the pub. One guy was thrown through the windscreen and the other was knocked down an embankment. The first guy was charged with breaking and entering and the second with leaving the scene of an accident.
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Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D.- Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests: I decided to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the bottle of beer that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the beer aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the beer is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the beer, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye - they need to be watered. I set the beer down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm bottle of beer sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my cheque book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy ALL DAY LONG, and I'm really tired.
I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail...
ORSM
VIDEO
- CLICK HERE TO SEE A TASTY BRUNETTE BABE GET FUCKED ULTRA HARD! -
An old Oxford professor is nearing retirement and decides that he wants to do something fun for once. He's spent his whole life researching scientific theories in his lab and wants to do something outside for a change, so he asks his assistant for a suggestion of something different to go and research. This assistant is a bit of a git and decides he'll play a prank on the old man, and suggests he research 'sheep shagging'.
The professor thinks this is a great idea and heads off to Wales to begin his research. He heads out to the countryside and finds a farmer to quiz about his unnatural habits. The professor greets him and asks if he's got time to answer a couple of quick questions.
"No problem boyo" says the farmer, "go right ahead. "Well," said the professor, "what I'd like to know first is, do you own any sheep here?" "Of course boyo, biggest farm for miles round here I have. We've got loads of 'em"
"Great, now the next question is a bit personal - do you use your sheep for sex?" "Ohh, too right boyo. There's three or four out there who are my particular favourites."
"So, how exactly do you .... do it?" "Well, normally I take them down to the river, I slap their back feet in my wellies, the sheep pushes back from the water, bloody heaven boyo"
The professor thanks him and heads for the airport. Having heard about the Aussies, he heads out to Australia. with exactly the same plan. He finds a farm, talks to the farmer and gets the same responses.
"Round up the sheep, head 'em up towards a cliff and off you go. Back feet in my boots, sheep pushing back from the cliff, bloody marvellous mate."
Again, the professor thanks him and decides that his research needs only one more addition. So he jets off to the world centre of sheep shagging,
Once in New Zealand, he drives out to the bush, finds the biggest farm he can and knocks on the farmhouse door. He repeats his questions to the farmer "Too right mate. Usually I stick their back legs in me wellies, front legs over me shoulders and away we go!"
"So the sheep faces you? That's strange - I've been talking to people around the world about this, and they all do it with the sheep facing away from them." The Kiwi is shocked. For a few seconds he can't speak, then he manages to stutter: "What? No kissing?"
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READER MAIL
If the mission this week was to flood my inbox with cool shit and boobs then good job - you dudes succeeded!
Want to have you stuff featured on Orsm.net? Well it would probably be a good idea to email me first! We're always on the prowl for ANYTHING - pics of your skanky Ex or tasty current GF, fucked up videos, funny ha-ha jokes, car stuff, scary stuff, stupid stuff - whatever! It's all welcome. Just do the clickety-click here and make the magic happen.
mark h wrote:
Subject: footy
hey buddy would like to say how much i love ur site and especially the joke about god creating balance... as long as u know how much i loved the final between collingwood n weast coast.. us east coasters will long remember we knocked out u great people from getting a third succesive grand final.. have a great one. GO THE FUCKING MIGHTY MAGPIES.
I should do the right thing and say congrats etc but I'm still highly annoyed about the loss SO I'd just like to point out that the Pies season will most certainly end this weekend... and they suck... and we all hate Eddie... so there. -Orsm
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Paul wrote:
Subject: Elite Combat Guy
G'day Mate, Couldn't resist writing to you about the elite combat guy. Just want to know what army he was teaching because they seemed to have trouble standing on their own two feet. Yeah the Christopher Cross soundtrack was great. It'd be great to have heard what he was "instructing" them though because I can't understand, Having trained in martial arts for a number of years, how he was doing what he was doing. I understand the whole re-directing of energy thing, but some of these soldiers were throwing punches not being touched and were falling over themselves. Now unless he's mastered the "force" I find this vid to be a bit of a wank. What's with that bloke walking away and then falling over backwards???
The full nelson type thingy he had the bloke in on the ground would work, but I don't know if he'd be sitting nice and calmly to get him in that position in the first place. I think Dad's army could have taken on this lot and won convincingly if they were the moves they were taught. |
Bathtub wrote:
Subject: fuel dump picture? I hane never seen before
ORSM! great site man.. I'm off to a track day at jerez in span, and was looking on google earth to learn the track shape, anyway, one of the nearby photos was this link of what looks like a fuel dump (or something) from maybe a C130- maybe someone else knows. Amazing photo anyway. keep it up!
I have a mate that can do that with his arse! Fill him up with Kangaroo steaks and watch the show. -Orsm
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Arex wrote:
Subject: She shoulda known
This guy started talking to this really hot chick that everybody wants to bang. One day she decided to take a pic of herself and send it to him, like every girl should do. Big surprise he sends it to everyone on his phone and before you know it the whole world has seen it now that it is on the net, she shoulda known... |
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WolfmanDan wrote:
Subject: Ford Junk!
Hey Orsm what up man? Love the site and can't wait for updates! Anyways, a few weeks ago, my buddies and I were walking down the streets of Berkeley,CA and see this Ford Mustang all junked out! Thanks |
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henry wrote:
Subject: picture for submission
Hi, worthy enough to be posted? Will send more that is more bewildering, usually it will be connected to traffic. keep up the good work! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Photo
Hi, great website you have going here. Always wanted to contribute so here it is. A picture of my girl, killer bod and a great fuck. Life's good. Please do not publish my details. Regards. |
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Tomas wrote:
Subject: Car that came in for a Radio Install
The instructions were; antenna needs to be bird resistant. Note the Galah in the bull-bar. Also note how they wrote the instructions on how to get to us on the driver window in marker. |
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Craig wrote:
Subject: Kombi's R Cool...
Hey there Orsm. An amusing sign on the back of an old Kombi I spotted here in Adelaide. Cheers |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pics
Hey Mr Orsm, I have been checking out your site for a year or so now, it rocks!! Anyhow here are some piccys of me :D I hope you like them. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: some photos for you
My friend went out with this woman - Kate - about 15 years. She then moved away and married some guy and her and her husband started a website featuring her. My friend said she'd always wanted to masturbate him with a hand full of stinging nettles (not sure if you have those in Oz but they sting like a muthafucker!) but he wouldn't let her. There she was on this website, though, doing it to her husband! She was up to all sorts on this site - sitting in the bath while two guys pissed in her mouth; talking about how her husband had let some guy come inside her as he'd had a vasectomy. I think she's a skank but I saved a lot of the photos from her site because I knew her. My computer crashed not long afterwards, though. I found these of her a few weeks ago. Best keep my details a secret on this one ;-) |
Ian wrote:
Subject: desperate bitch
Not sure what this girls issue is but she continues to send me these pics - selected the best of the bunch! Love the site - thought I'd contribute. |
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Jelly wrote:
Subject: new lambo
Hey buddy. Just wondered if you'd seen the new lamborghini. Awesome!!! to say the least. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: mirror pictures
hey i have some pictures here of a Friend of mind who thought it would be a good idea to send me them, and then become a bitch... oh well shows her i guess. |
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Sully wrote:
Subject: random skank
Greetings, Mr. Office (Philly slang for ORSM). I found these pix on a computer that someone asked me to fix. I feel it's my duty to submit, since I've enjoyed so much other randomness over the years on your site. Please withhold my e-mail. |
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Mr Duck wrote:
Subject: Unusual sight
THESE PICTURES WERE TAKEN NEAR GORDON, WI. Not just any mother bear and her cub, but a black bear with a white cub. I don't know how rare it is for a black bear to have a white cub but at least we can say we've seen it no matter how rare it is! I'm pretty sure the Indian community would go nuts over this. Kind of like a white buffalo. Since there seems to be no sign of a pink nose or eyes, I would say that it is not an albino. |
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In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from North Western University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Obviously wasn't the same elephant.
ORSM
VIDEO
Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained, "Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed.
The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!" The second one replied, I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable.
"Jane, do you know any multi-syllable words?" After some thought Jane proudly replied with "Monday." "Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon - day. Does anyone know another word."
"I do! I do!" yelled Little Johnny and Mike. Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humour she picks Mike instead. "OK Mike, what is your word." "Saturday." says Mike. "Great, that has three syllables."
Not wanting to be outdone, Johnny says, "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!" Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?" Johnny proudly says, "Mas - tur - ba - tion."
Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful." Little Johnny replied, "No Ma'am, your thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only got two syllables."
Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. The father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself... television, ice cream, homework, video games... but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.
The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room.
The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny and without comment, the game resumed. For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card players continued without any further interruptions.
After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, "What in the world did you do to Johnny? I haven't | 
