Well here I am at that scary time of the year once again. Time to increment the age count by one and time to look in the mirror and wonder if the best years of my life are yet to come or if they've already been. That's right - here comes another god damn birthday.

Keeping within tradition, for my 25th birthday last year a night of drunken debauchery was shared by my friends and I as we partied away at my favourite bar until the wee hours of the morning. I'm all for getting drunk beyond belief but by the time that nite was over I was well and truly spastic drunk like I've probably only been once or twice in my life. Had an awesome time.

So last update I was crapping on about how the last 12 months have flown by and this was reaffirmed earlier as I took a stroll down memory lane and looked at the pics we snapped off at my birthday celebrations last year.

Pictures are a dangerous thing. They bring back a lot of memories you would otherwise [choose to?] forget. I sit here now thinking I know way more about the world and it's ways, people and life than I did then. How I was more naive, how I didn't have a clue.

Funnily enough thats something I tend to do every year and right around this time too and you can bet your money that I'll be sitting here in a year or so rapidly approaching my 27th birthday thinking back at how stupid, immature, naive and ridiculous I sounded writing this update.

It's for that reason I may actually go buy myself a journal this year - one of those things I've been meaning to get around to since before I even turned 21. Ideally in 20 years time I'll be able to start reading back over what I was thinking from around the time I turned 26 and make sense of some of the questions above...

Oh incase any of you guy's are wondering what to get me for my birthday you can find a whole list of shit I need right here!!

Now this is a site that'll spin you guys out - RevengeTV.com. What do you do when your ex-bitch has burnt you? You burn her back ofcourse! And what better way than to submit you favourite fuck pics and vids of her to Revenge TV!? This site truly kicks ass and is in a class all of it's own! Check it @ RevengeTV.com.

Am glad to say I finally got my car back albeit a week longer than it was supposed to be... would you believe 5 weeks all up!? The insurance assessors are to blame here. Not only do they insist on making life difficult over the simplest of things but they slow the whole process down making sure the process is done their way and their way only.

That aside, the feeling of driving it home from the panel beaters was comparable to the feeling I got the day I picked her up from the car dealership and the immovable grin was once again plastered across my face. All that remains to be done now is for my stereo to be fitted this weekend and it'll be happy days.

One more thing before we get on with the update - to the lady [if on the off chance you may be reading this] who's tooth I chipped/knocked out during my drunken dancing demostration last Saturday nite in a somewhat packed Perth bar I sincerely apologise but I swear it was accidental!

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Pilots Exam - World Cup Rugby - Super Mario What? - Badgers - I Am The Monkey - Cum Kleen

Bomb Bandits - HSV Clubby R8 - Impress Your Date - Zurich's True Beauty - Cool Kids Toys

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house. After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a near-by city centre studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week.

Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away. "There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."

"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water." "What about your husband? asked the model. "Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris. "Good," said the model. "Now that that's been settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."

That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair.

The model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modelling swimmer or underclothes.

Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her. "It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."

The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her. Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.

Later Fred returned and they retired to bed. "Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred. "Yes, he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?" "Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times." "Yes, said Fred, I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."

Nikita Blonde - Nikita Blonde - Nikita Blonde - Nikita Blonde - Nikita Blonde Nikita Blonde - Nikita Blonde - Nikita Blonde - Nikita Blonde - Nikita Blonde - Nikita Blonde - Nikita Blonde Nikita Blonde - Nikita Blonde - Nikita Blonde - Nikita Blonde

A man named Leroy is drinking in a bar and President Clinton is giving an address on the radio in the background. Leroy looks at the bartender and says, "Yeah, me and Bill go a long way back, used to hang out together and do alot of fun things before he became President..." The bartender looks at him and tells him he doesn't believe him. Leroy asks for the phone, dials the White House and asks for "Bill"; he talks for awhile joking and laughing and presently hands the phone to the bartender who is flabbergasted to be talking to the President of the United States.

A couple of weeks later, Leroy comes back into the bar. They are watching a golf tournament and Jack Nichlas comes on the screen for a putt. Leroy is like: "Yeah, ole Jack and I go way back..." At this the bartender figures Leroy is full of it so he bets him 20 dollars that Leroy is trying to put one over on him. Leroy grabs the phone and dials and presently is talking animatedly with someone who seems to be named Jack. Bartender steals a glance at the TV screen and sure enough, Jack is talking on a cellular phone; Leroy hands over the phone and the bartender just shakes his head as he discovers that sure enough, it IS Jack on the phone and hands over his 20 dollars.

About a week later Leroy comes in once again and this time the Pope is on the television giving a televised benediction. Leroy is like...Yeah, the Pope and I go way back, to before he became Pope and now the bartender is sure that he has him. After the bet the men purchase airfair and fly to Rome for the moment of truth because the bartender is thinking the phone won't be good enough for this one. They are standing in the crowd at the Vatican watching the Pope and as the Pope finishes the Mass, Leroy works his way through the crowd, up the steps, and thebartender is amazed to see him shake hands and the conversation appears to be that which would be expected between long acquaintances.

Presently, Leroy and the Pope come out into the crowd to meet the bartender and Leroy sees the bartender sprawled flat on his back, passed out cold, and looking pale. He splashes water over his face and shakes him until the bartender finally starts to come out of it. "What happened" asked Leroy.

The bartender replied: "While you were talking to his holiness, this little old lady tapped me on the shoulder and demanded to know who it was that was up on the dais with Leroy?"

Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara

A New York woman was at her hairdresser's on Park Avenue getting her hair cut prior to a vacation in Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? Italy's crowded, dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "Were taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late."

"So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left bank called Teste..." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced."

"So, whatcha doing when you get there?" "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman ran into the hairdresser on the street. The hairdresser asked her about her vacation in Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "we not only flew on one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me! The hotel was marvelous, they'd just finished a $5-million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologised and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me." ""Oh, really... what'd he say?" He said, "Where'd you get the shitty hair cut?"

MYSTIQUE Beverly - Beverly - Beverly - Beverly - Beverly - Beverly - Beverly - Beverly - Beverly Beverly - Beverly - Beverly - Beverly - Beverly - Beverly - Beverly

A deserter GI was running down a road escaping from two MPs. He came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. He asked her, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain why later." The nun agreed to his request.

Shortly thereafter, the two MPs came running along and asked her if she had seen a soldier running down the road. She replied, "He went that way". After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said.

"I can't thank you Enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq." The nun said she understood. The GI said, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen the most beautiful pair of balls you've ever seen! I don't want to go to Iraq either!"

CLASSIC LINES Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle

Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified handshake from the Queen. They ride in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they board a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to 6 magnificent white horses. They ride towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons, all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire and the smell was excruciating, both of them had to use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach but the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Bush, "Mr President please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." George Bush, always trying to be "presidential," replies: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... If you had not mentioned it, I would have thought it was one of the horses."

ORSM VIDEO Everyone know's good old Arnie from the tonne of action movies he's done but what was not known to most of us was the drug [ab]using past of the muscley Austrian. Check it out... - Arnold Schwarzenegger: Pot Smoking -

There's a Russian general, his aide, a pope and his wife and daughter riding the train all in the same sleeping compartment. Suddenly the aide gets up and says: "Sir, going to take a leak, sir!" and walks out. The pope is outraged.

"General" he says "how can you, being a man who fights for his beloved country, who has been distinguished with so many medals, how can you allow your aide to behave like this? Who do you think I am? I am the servant of God, I lost all my hair in His service. Who do you think my wife is? She married me young, never had any other man in her life. Who do you think my daughter is? She's a young, innocent, sweet child. How can you allow your aide to behave like this in our presence?"

The general tries to explain, gets all apologetic. The aide returns, and the general starts scolding him. "What do you think you're doing, you moron? I am the servant of this fucking country, I have been distinguished with many fucking medals, and you go 'take a leak'"? Who do you think this bald guy over there is? An old stupid fart? No, he's a servant of God, who ripped all his hair out, and you go 'take a leak'"? And who do you think this fat whale is, an old whore? No, she's his wife, nobody else wanted to fuck her, and you go 'take a leak'"? And who do you this skinny ass over there is, a young slut? No, she's his daughter, who was never fucked before and never tasted a cum in her mouth, and you go "take a leak"? Get the fuck outta here and don't you dare go take a fucking leak until we get to Moscow!"

BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL Briana - Briana - Briana - Briana - Briana - Briana - Briana - Briana - Briana - Briana - Briana Briana - Briana - Briana - Briana - Briana - Briana - Briana

Four men were bragging how smart their cats were. The first man was an engineer, the second an accountant, the third a chemist and the fourth was a public servant. To show off, the engineer called to his cat, "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everybody agreed that T-Square was pretty smart.

The accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went into the kitchen and returned with a dozen Tim Tams, he divided them into four equal piles of three each. Everybody agreed that Spreadsheet was also pretty smart.

The chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a litre of milk, got a 250 ml glass from the cupboard and measured our 200mls without spilling a drop. Everybody agreed that Measure was also pretty smart.

Then the three men turned to the public servant and said, "What can your cat do"? The public servant called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff". Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the Tim Tams, drank the milk, pissed on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a provisional improvement notice for unsafe working conditions, put in a claim for workers compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

RAE OF SUNSHINE Alex Rae - Alex Rae - Alex Rae - Alex Rae - Alex Rae - Alex Rae - Alex Rae - Alex Rae - Alex Rae Alex Rae - Alex Rae - Alex Rae - Alex Rae - Alex Rae - Alex Rae - Alex Rae - Alex Rae

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain it to you."

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Murphy lost his hat and decided that he would go to Church on Sunday and steal one. He knew Casey always wore a similar hat to his own and he would sit behind him during the Mass and sneak it away at the most opportune time. Well, the priest was giving the sermon about the ten commandments and Murphy got so engrossed in it that he forgot about stealing the hat.

After Mass he went to the priest and said, "Father, I want to tell you something. I came here today with all intentions of stealing a hat, but after listening to your fine sermon, you made me change my mind." The priest was overjoyed and asked, "What was it I said that made you change your mind? I bet it was the commandment where it says thou shalt not steal."

"No," replied Murphy. "It was that commandment where it says thou shalt not commit adultery. That's when I remembered where I left my hat!"

ORSM VIDEO

Gay Umpire

Nasty Boxer

Olsen G-String

Too Tough

Dracula dies and he went to the Pearly Gates to meet God. God refused to let Dracula in because of all the sins that he had done going around sucking blood & killing. "I'll give you a chance to redeem your sins", said God "I'll send you back to earth, but not in a human form. You can be reincarnated into any other living thing of your choice. So, what would you like to be?"

Still unrepentant, Dracula said, "OK, I want to become a living thing with wings and sucks blood, heh, heh, heh." "So be it", said God and He turned Dracula into a vampire bat. So back to earth he went, flying around sucking the blood of animals until one day when a farmer killed him. So up he went again to meet God, feeling a little bit sheepish (and a little batty).

"I'll give you another chance", said God. "I'll send you back again. BUT not as a human or a bat. What will it be this time?" Still adamant, Dracula said, "I still want to be a living thing with wings and sucks blood!" God thought for a while and then said, "OK, if that's what you want", and turned Dracula into a mosquito.

So back to earth again he went, flying around and sucking blood until one day, splat, he was squashed by his victim. So up he went again to meet God, feeling stupid (and rather bugged). "I'll give you one last chance to redeem yourself. but this time you cannot become a living thing. You can only be turned into a non-living thing of your choice. So what will it be?" asked God.

Still stubborn, Dracula said, "Okayyyy... then turn me into a non-living thing with wings and sucks blood!! heh... heh.." "No problem," said God and He turned Dracula into a tampon.

KRYSTAL KLEAR Krystal - Krystal - Krystal - Krystal - Krystal - Krystal - Krystal - Krystal - Krystal Krystal - Krystal - Krystal - Krystal - Krystal - Krystal - Krystal - Krystal - Krystal

A beautiful, well endowed young lady walks into her local pet shop in search of an exotic pet. As she looks around the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions)

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one!" The man packaged the frog and smiles, "Just follow the instructions carefully." The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do: 1. Take a shower. 2. Splash on some nice-smelling perfume. 3. Slip into a very sexy night dress. 4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down on the bed.

She quickly hops in bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says,"If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store - we answer calls 24/7/365."

The lady calls the pet shop, delighted that some business still take customer satisfaction seriously. The man says, "I had some complaints about those frogs, earlier today. I'll be right over." Within thirty minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The lady welcomes him in and says, "See??... I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there." The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and angrily says: "Listen to me!" "I'm only going to show you how to do this, just one more time!!"

VOLUPTUOUS Sydney - Sydney - Sydney - Sydney - Sydney - Sydney - Sydney - Sydney Sydney - Sydney - Sydney - Sydney

Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realise they'll have to inform his wife.

Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer. "So did you tell her?" asks Jeff. "Yep", replies Bob.

"Say, where did you get the six-pack?" Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me." "WHAT??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??" "Sure," Bob says. "WHY?" asks Jeff. "Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!' So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"

TERRIBLY TRUE TRUISM'S 1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired. 2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway). 3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 4. A backward poet writes inverse. 5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your count that votes. 6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. 7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed. 9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. 10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. 11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. 12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. 13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. 15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. 16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. 17. Every calendar's days are numbered. 18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine. 19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. 20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed. 21. A plateau is a high form of flattery. 22. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. 24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. 25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. 26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye. 27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. 28. Santa's helpers are subordinate Clauses. 29. Acupuncture is a jab well done. 30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Little Timmy is playing on the street when he spots a package of Viagra pills. Being a boy of the world, he immediately recognises the possibilities and approaches his daddy: "Dad, I just found these, and I'm willing to sell them to you for 100 Dollars straight." "Son, well, while this is a very good offer, I'm in perfect physical health and not currently needing those. Tell you what, go ask Grandpa."

So Timmy walks over and asks his grandfather: "Gramps, I will sell you this package of Viagra for 100 Dollars." "Oh, thanks Timmy, but are you sure these will work?", asked his grandfather. "Gee, I don't know. But they do look like the ones that were shown on TV!" "Tell you what, Timmy, I'll try them tonight and if they work OK, I'll give you the money tomorrow."

The next morning, Timmy visits his grandfather again, and Gramps hands over $500 without hesitation. Timmy is perplexed: "But Gramps, I thought we agreed on 100 Dollars!" "That's OK, Timmy, keep it, the rest is from Grandma!"

Krystal & Sky - Krystal & Sky - Krystal & Sky - Krystal & Sky - Krystal & Sky - Krystal & Sky Krystal & Sky - Krystal & Sky - Krystal & Sky - Krystal & Sky - Krystal & Sky - Krystal & Sky Krystal & Sky - Krystal & Sky - Krystal & Sky - Krystal & Sky - Krystal & Sky - Krystal & Sky

A small, white duck goes into a bar, jumps on the barstool, orders a shot of booze and says to the bartender "listen, I'm a bricklayer on the construction site nearby. The works will last for some time and I'll be coming here every day around lunchtime for a shot of booze, so think about some discount or something". The duck drinks the shot, jumps off the stool and goes out.

The bartender is shocked, he's never seen a talking duck before, so he calls his friend who owns a circus: "listen, there's a talking duck coming to my bar, come tomorrow around lunchtime and see for yourself'. So the next day the circus owner waits in the bar and the duck goes in, jumps on the barstool and orders a shot of booze. The circus manager overcomes his awe and says: "Hello sir, I'm a circus owner and I wan't to offer you a job. I can give you whatever money you want, plus a company car, a cell phone, best hotels, best women, whatever you want". The duck considers his offer for a moment and says "so you're a circus owner, right?"

"Right" "And your circus is one of those big tents, right?" "Right." "With a sandy arena in the middle?" "Yes" "And with rows of seats around?" "Correct" "So what the fuck you need a bricklayer for???"

READER MAIL
Absolutely phenomenal amount of email flooding in from you guys lately, especially now that all the college crew have come back from the summer break. If you wanna drop me a line you can do so here but please note that with the volume I receive it's not always possible to reply.

Mark B. wrote: Subject: cool video for your site Hey my friends and I started a website www.bleacheatingfreaks.com. We do crazy things and then put it on the site. Here is a video of us jumping a van. Though you would like to use it on your site. I have the same video saved as two wmv files. One is 1mb and the other is 3mb. If you want the smaller vid let me know and I will send it to you. The only difference with the videos is file size.

Pam wrote: Subject: titties and twat heres a couple I'd like to see on orsm............. but please do not publish my e-mail address

Trev. wrote: Subject: Funny Office Joke (Read the story first, then see the pic ) Please read story before opening attachment! Look at photo carefully after you read the story. Yesterday I was with one of my interns in the lobby when a receptionist complained that her printer wasn't working. The intern horsed around with it and discovered a pen stuck inside the printer. He started to jam his fingers down into the printer to get the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk. So he grabs a piece of paper and starts scrawling on it. I left before he finished the note. About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate. This is what he found. Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to.

<with held> wrote: Subject: hacked Hey ORMS. These pics go back a few years now. The guys computer and cam were actually hacked. The pics tell the story...

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse... alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully, for the last time I said... BRING POSSE!"

SULTRY SOPHIA Sophia - Sophia - Sophia - Sophia - Sophia - Sophia - Sophia - Sophia - Sophia Sophia - Sophia - Sophia - Sophia - Sophia - Sophia - Sophia

This little boy goes to his Dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well, son let me try to explain it to you this way... I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me 'Capitalism'. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the household, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of YOUR needs, so we'll call you 'The People'. The nanny, well, she works hard all day for very little money, so we'll consider her 'The Working Class'. And your baby brother... we'll call him 'The Future'.

Now, think about that and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what his Dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks into the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about". The little boy replies, "Well, While Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, The People are being ignored, and the Future is in Deep Shit!"

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Officers in a marked car stopped the man about 4:30 p.m., as he drove south on the interstate above Auburn Avenue. The man, who has not been identified, stopped his vehicle and tried to flee by climbing over the railing, Lt. Danny Agan said.

Police still are investigating whether the man jumped or fell off the raised interstate. "This is a new one for me in 29 years," Agan said. The decapitation shocked people who work in the neighborhood. Gary White, an income tax preparer, came out of his office when he heard the commotion. "It's surreal," White said.

Agan said narcotics officers had been trailing the man for much of the day. Agan did not know if the officers who tried to arrest the man would be placed on administrative leave. "This is not something normally covered under the [standard operating procedure] of the department," he said.

A little boy who said his prayers every night would say, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless the cat, and God bless the dog." Well, one day the little boy was playing with the dog, and the dog bit him. That night when he said his prayers, he said, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless the cat, and I don't care what happens to the dog."

The next morning when they woke up, they found the dog dead. A few days later, the little boy was playing with the cat, and the cat scratched him. That night when he said his prayers, he said, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and I don't care what happens to the cat."

The next morning when they woke up, they found the cat dead. A few days later, the little boy got in trouble with his Daddy. That night when he said his prayers, he said, "God bless Mommy, and I don't care what happens to Daddy."

Well, Daddy had heard the little boy's prayers every night and remembered what had happened to the dog and the cat. So, that night, Daddy stayed up until the wee hours of the morning, determined that he would fend off anything that tried to kill him. Finally, he gave up and went to bed. He awoke the next morning, feeling grateful that nothing happened to him and went to retrieve the morning paper and the fresh milk bottle. When he opened the front door; however, he found the milk man dead.

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Three guys found themselves in Hell: Vince, Glen, and Shawn. A little confused at their present situation, they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3' 4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Vince, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Vince was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her. The voice of the Devil was heard, "Glen, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Glen, like Vince, was whisked off.

Neil, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Shawn jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying: "Cindy, you have sinned..."

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A plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door burst open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and stewardess. He held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place.

The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and says, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us." The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."

The copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place." The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the blonde stewardess's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HER brains all over the place." No one says a word, but the stewardess leaned over and whispered something into the hijacker's ear. He turned beet red, dropped his gun, and ran out of the cockpit in a panic. The crew tracked down the hijacker, who was found cowering behind some crates in the hold, and tied him up. The pilot then asked the stewardess what she said that terrified the man so. "I told him, sir," she replied, "that if he killed me, he'd be the one who'd have to give you guys your blowjobs."

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The owner of the local corner market noticed Little Johnny start hanging out his store. The owner didn't know what Little Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Little Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel - they said, because it was bigger.

One day after Little Johnny grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" Slowly, Little Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and he said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!"

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A man was walking through a forest pondering life. He walked, pondered, walked, and pondered. He felt very close to nature and even close to God. He felt so close to God that he felt if he spoke God would listen.

So he asked, "God, are you listening?" And God replied, "Yes my son, I am here." The man stopped and pondered some more. He looked towards the sky and said, "God, what is a million years to you?" God replied, "Well my son, a second to me is like a million years to you."

So the man continued to walk and to ponder... walk and ponder...Then he looked to the sky again and said, "God, what is a million dollars to you?" And God replied, "My son, my son... a penny to me is like a million dollars to you. It means almost nothing to me. It does not even have a value it is so little." The man looked down, pondered a bit and then looked up to the sky and said, "God, can I have a million dollars?" And God replied, "In a second."

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A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

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There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge.

He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemised accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark: $1. Knowing where to put it: $49,999. It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

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A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque."

"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy." "Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist.

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A Russian guy gets in a train in France and tries to find himself a seat. Every compartment is full, so he walks this way and that and finally sees a lady with a little dog occupying two seats. "Madame, could you please take your dog on your lap, I'd like to sit down" he says. "You Russians are so rude! Can't you see my Fifi is tired?! Go find yourself another seat!" says the outraged lady.

So the Russian walks the train some more, but finally he returns to the compartment angry and says "Lady, there are no free seats on this train, I'd really appreciate if you could take this dog on your lap". "You Russians are such boors! Look, you woke my Fifi up! How rude of you!" The Russian can't stand it anymore, so he grabs the dog and throws it out of the train's window.

Suddenly a man sitting in the same compartment, a perfect English gentleman, says: "You Russians do everything wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the street, you hold fork and knife in wrong hands, and now you threw the wrong bitch out of that window."