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Welcome to Orsmnet. Cake pls.
No way has it been a whole week
since the last update. I swear 7 days aint as long as it used to
be. Maybe I should go back to fortnightly updates. What do you guy's
think?
As has been the norm lately,
everything has been nice and quiet around here. Weird because as
I said a while back this is the time of year that something will
[and always does] fuck up. Unfortunately I can't mention the occurrences
of the last couple of years because by doing so I will inadvertently
jinx myself thus triggering a cataclysmic event that will take the
next month to fix whatever it is that I have destroyed. I've already
said to much... lets continue shall we...
The highlight of my week has
to have been when the guy at the pet food shop told me I smelt nice...
[Despite that fact I did] I don't think I've ever had to restrain
myself more from calling someone a fag than I did at that particular
moment. It's something you don't ever say to another guy unless
you are related, have known each other well for at least 5 years
or are in a sexual
relationship with him. Sadly, for the pet food guy none of these
criteria were met so he was left to settle for uncomfortable silence
whilst I nervously awaited my credit card to process and tried not
to hold the pen in a suggestive way.
Plans for this weekend... learn
how to replace the washers in my taps. Pretty much all of them [except
one] started leaking within a few weeks of moving in here and ever
since then I've gained great insight to how a constant 'drip-drip-drip'
could be used to torture someone...
Add to that I recently got my
first water bill which whilst not quite a momentous
occasion left me feeling a little guilty. Why? Well up until now
I have never in my life had to pay a water bill. I don't think I
even knew you had to pay for water until I moved out of home and
it didn't matter because the landlord payed it so we never saw it.
Anyway, back to what I was saying... I opened the envelope and started
reading through and was shocked to find out I was being charged
for 27,000 litres of usage over 102 days... 27,000 LITRES!! Impossible.
That's the entire contents of a decent sized backyard swimming pool.
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So I jump on the phone to the
Water Corp, spend 5 minutes wading [wading - get it!?] through their
call system until I get to an operator who politely explains that,
if anything, I am slightly under the average water usage... even
for a person who lives by themself. Apparently a five minute shower
chews through up to 200 litres of water plus by the time you do
dishes, use the toilet, wash your clothes etc etc it's not a hard
figure to achieve.
I think the lady actually thought
I was a bit of a retard because the bill was only for around $11
so not exactly bank breaking stuff but until now if you ever had
of asked me how much water I use my guess wouldn't have come anywhere
close to that.
Moving on... I noticed that its
time again for the annual Pride Parade and I'm thinking it may be
time to head in and witness this spectacle for myself. I think the
last time I went to watch it was about 5 years ago and I remember
getting there early so we'd have a decent place to stand and watch
parade go past. As it turned out we got in a fair but earlier than
necessary so it gave us time to down a few beers and maybe even
bring on that preliminary stage of over-confident shit stirring
drunkenness... which brings us to how I pissed off the cop...
Whilst standing at the side of
the road waiting for the festivities to begin the Police were doing
their job walking back and forth making sure no one crossed over
the barrier. So I waited... waited until one walked right past in
front of us... and when one did - I cheered. He pretended like he
didn't notice and kept walking. A minute or two later he walked
past again so this time I cheered - louder. He stopped, looked at
me and just remained staring whilst I remained cheering and clapping
as if he were part of the parade.
Poor guy. It was pretty obvious
that despite his thick moustache he probably wasn't gay and definitely
didn't wanna be walking the beat at a party for queer folk. To make
matters worse I had incited a mass cheering which eventually turned
to laughter by everyone around me all directed at this one cop who
was STILL staring at me like everything would be okay if he could
just take out his gun and shoot me. To this day its still one of
the funniest things I have witnessed. I think that's enough small
talk for the moment. lets get cracking with this update...
The other day I was over at a buddies
site checking out the live chat and HOLY SHIT it was rockin!
No kidding, people were on their webcams doing things you usually
have to pay to see - but this is ALL
FREE! I figured between that, the cool vids, plethora of jokes,
and the money he gave me, I better send you guys over to see it
- check out the new and improved BeerAndShots.com!
If you've been reading my site for any period
of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie
Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so...
it's because Newbie
Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today.
Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of
vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love
to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention
it's all free too? Check
it now!
It's a melting pot for sweet liquid honey lovers.
Black,
Asian and Latina, though the legs do divide and the mouths open
wide, it's a small world after all.
I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked
out Revenge TV
yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard
about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites
to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is
truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of
ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does
that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge
TV is how! Click
here to see what I mean...
Stag
Whore - Ali
G Interview - She
Swallows! - Inappropriate
- Dave
Chapelle - Corpse
Prank - Speed
Climbing
Rate
My Pix - Retard
Wrestling - Pimp
My Bride - Lost
Links - WOW!
- WWE
Hotties - Holy
Hannah - Scary
Spider
These three men went into business together and
the first one said: "I put up sixty-five percent of the capital,
so I'm the president and chairman of the board." "I put
up thirty percent of the money," said the second, "so
I'm appointing myself vice president, secretary and treasurer."
"Well I put up five percent," pointed out the third partner.
"What's that make me?" The chairman said, "I'm appointing
you vice president of sex and music." "That sounds mighty
fine," said the third man, "but what does it mean?"
"It means what when I want your fucking advice, I'll whistle."
An Australian tour guide was showing a group
of American tourists the Top End on their way to Kakadu. He was
describing the abilities of the Australian Aborigine to track man
or beast over land, through the air, under the sea. The Americans
were incredulous.
Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend
on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road,
an Aborigine.
He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst
his left leg was held high in the air. The tour stopped and the
guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.
"Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking
and what are you listening for?" The aborigine replied, "Down
the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute (pickup). It's red.
The left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack and it
has dents in every panel. There are 9 blackfellas in the back, all
drinking warm sherry.
There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6
dogs on the front seat." The American tourists moved forward,
astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge. "God dammit
man, how do you know all that?" asked one.
The Aborigine replied, "Because I fell out
of the fucking thing about half an hour ago!"
ORSM
VIDEO
I've got to admit I am
a lot more restrained behind the wheel of a car these days.
I tend not to belt around quite as fast as I used to and as
a result my tyres seem to last longer and I get less speeding
fines. I guess you slowly come to the realisation you cant
beat the cops... or so I thought. These guys actually test
just how fast you need to be moving to beat the flash. Very
cool vid. Check it.
- How
To Beat A Speed Camera - |
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IF
YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE FREE PICS & VIDS OF GIRLS FUCKING GIRLS
THEN PLEASE DO NOT CLICK HERE!
A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for
obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the
police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including
the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a
straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the
neighbourhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young grand
daughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for,
dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret,
the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges
and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma.
"I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she
made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his
way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got
to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But
you're so old... how do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny...
I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"
Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet?
Its the webs only FREE
adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude
webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult
movies, and even download
all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an
email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free
hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for
yourself and have
a look!
READER MAIL
I have no idea why but it felt like
a quiet email week this week... until Wednesday that is. Wednesday
is the day I usually delve deep into my inbox and begin the arduous
task of sorting through the hundreds of emails you guys have sent
me and it took me for freakin ever to get through them this week.
Thanks to all the contributors - you guys rock!
For all the rest of you bad, bad people who have
never dropped me a line before you should feel free to send me absolutely
anything you want including nude pics of your mum, pictures of your
dog taking a dump or the mess you made of your car whilst driving
like a dickhead. You can do that by clicking here.
Anyway let's get on with it. Allow me to start
with the responses to what Russ had to say last week about the use
of 'New Years' in my blog. From the responses that I got, two things
have become clear. 1. My use of correct grammar and punctuation
are lacking at best & 2. Most of you guy's missed the fact Russ
was only messing around... kinda...
<with held>
wrote:
Subject: long time reader
Years man, every week I come to your
site. I am in desperate need of some help though. I don't
expect anything but if you could check
out my auction you will see what I mean. Keep up the
great work!
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Jonathan
wrote:
Subject: Russ wrote:New Years?????????????
Just a quick response to Russ: "New Years"
is actually New Year's which has just become a short, slang
version of New Year's Eve. Example: I'm going home for Christmas
but I'll be spending New Year's (Eve) face down in a drunken
stupor.
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Nick Sullivan
wrote:
Subject: hmm.. mountain time......
Hey Russ, I never knew Canada has just
one time zone.... considering it's part of north america
i would have thought it would have several time zones from
east to west.... like australia, and every other continent.....
oh and on New Years, being lazy people just say new years
because your usually celebrating New Year's Day (because
it's a day for the new year) like Loretta's Dildo, who's
dildo? Lorettas, who's day New Years..... so don't attack
the webmaster, and I suggest the only place you put your
tongue is firmly between the cheeks of your ass! ahh thank
fuck it's friday.....
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.: vitriol
:. wrote:
Subject: Russ's e-mail
To Russ, who wrote in to bitch about
the "s" on the end of your "New Years":
grow up. First, it's not pluralisation, it's left over from
what you actually celebrate - "New Year's Eve".
Mr Orsm just wrote it as he says it. You can't inflect an
apostrophe. Your email would have been fine if you'd been
smart enough to get your grammar and spelling right, you
big dumb hypocrite. You don't need 7 exclamation marks where
one would do! See! How easy is this! Also, random capitalisation
isn't really necessary... last time I checked, "with"
wasn't a noun. Mr Orsm was simply doing the same as you,
only with less moronic AOL-speak mistakes - "gotta"?
You mean "got to". You're so ghetto. I couldn't
care less about grammar and spelling, but moronic hypocrisy
drives me mad. On a side note, my balls are huge and your
site rocks. Or do I mean "rock" Russ?
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Russell F
wrote:
Subject: New Year's Day
Oh Dear. Some guy called Russ was mouthing
off about Americans using the expression 'New Years' and
complaining that it was a plural. No such thing - it's posessive
as in New Year's Day (the day belonging to the New Year).
The abbreviation, therefore, is New Year's and quite correct.
Nitpickingly yours.
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Jason Williamson
wrote:
Subject: New YearS
Good day, Mr. Orsm. I'm a long time listener,
first time caller. First of all, I want to say that I look
forward to your site every week. Now, on to the nitty-gritty.
I'm not usually a bitcher, but I think there is a bit of
a misunderstanding with the whole New Year's thing. My understanding
is that when people refer to the New Year, they are referring
to New Year's Day or New Year's Eve. In that sense, it's
a singular possessive. There is nothing plural about it.
It may be typed incorrectly at times; but I think when it's
verbalized, the apostrophe is assumed as well as an ellipsis
(...) Such as: "What are you doing for New Year's..."
Just because we don't finish the sentence doesn't make us
idiots. Lazy maybe, but not idiots. I think we understand
that it's a singular possessive and assume that everyone
else can figure it out. I hope I cleared that up for the
misunderstood. Keep up the great work. You have an impressive
site.
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msle
wrote:
Subject: Camel Toe
Tell that wanker from last
weeks update that it is New Years' Eve! Only everyone
leaves off the apostrophe. It is New Years' Eve. As in the
eve belonging to the new year. Fuckin Canadian education
system is obviously shot. Poor bastard will spend the rest
of his life saying "Do you want fries with that?".
Hope he looks good in a paper hat!
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Matt
wrote:
Subject: hhhhmm...
Hey Mr Orsm, in your recent update, the
"merc cl55"
is in fact an SL 55, and why does the badge at the end say
SL 525? Just a thought. And why does the owner say it's
a CL too, can't het read the badge? Seeing as the CL is
a completely different car.
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Thatmosis
wrote:
Subject: spiders
Woosie, I have a Tarantula named Harry
who sits with me when I'm on the net, have to watch him
though he has a tendency to walk on the keyboard and is
heavy enough to press the keys down. Imagine your outstretched
hand with his body in the middle of your palm, his legs
would hang over both sides by a few inches. Really cool
pet.
Your're a sick, sick man. -Orsm
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<with held>
wrote:
Subject: Romanian Lass
Howzit Meneer Orsm? We in South Africa
rarely get to see ladies of Eastern European origin proudly
displaying their produce. I was, therefore, intrigued to
find that the pictures
posted this week of said lady contained the most fascinating
shot of distinctly over-used genitalia I have ever seen.
Far from her guava looking like half a pound of liver, this
particular individual seems to be sporting a snatch that
resembles a soggy welly end. Memorable bomb doors indeed!
Its not often you see beef curtains of those proportions.
Thanks for the ongoing education.
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Damion
wrote:
Subject: Indy
Mr ORSM, You are my only hope! Of course
there is going to be plenty of piccies from Indy on the
weekend, most of the better ones wont be of cars. But did
you see the presentation of the Indy race it self? The Indy
girl (maybe Miss Indy her self) had the biggest Camel toe,
hopefully you and all your resources can obtain some piccies
for your site. Which by the way is great, I've been visiting
for nearly three years now.
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Phil
wrote:
Subject: Emmanuelle Chriqui Nipple Slip
Hey, Check out Emmanuelle
Chriqui from season 2 of Entourage in a rather see-through
shirt.
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rhinos
wrote:
Subject: AUHC Rhinos - Yardstick for Rhinos' end of 2006
season bash
Had a couple of drinks on the weekend,
but didn't know what to do with the empties. That is what
you call a Party
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<with held>
wrote:
Subject: want some salad?
Hey orsm, long time fan from scotland,
but travelling around the world. I spent three months in
thailand at the start of my trip, where they have trouble
destinguishing P's from B's... Keep my details hidden if
you post this
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Jason Packer
wrote:
Subject: picture of speedometer
Hey Orsm, big fan of the site, been visiting
it for a couple years now and i decided that its about time
to send something to ya. After seeing all these people lately
sending you picture of their speedometers going REALLY fast
and such... so i decided that i would send you a picture
of mine as well. the vehicle is a 99 toyota tacoma prerunner.
ill get ya a pic of the truck and the speedometer... i think
youll enjoy it. (i felt like i was flying)
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Robert Battle
wrote:
Subject: damn tourists
thought you could add these to a future
installment of damn tourists.... got these in panama city
beach florida... a.k.a redneck riviera
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Alex
wrote:
Subject: Barbers in Poland................
Oh my God, Ive been loyal to my hairdressers
for around 10 years..... but I think Im definately switching
hairdressers. The problem is, that I have to go all the
way to Sweden. This would be a great idea for all you hairdresser
shop owners. Mamma Mia!!!!!
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Kevin
wrote:
Subject: Smashed jeep
Greetings from southeast Texas where
Hurricane Rita passed through last month. Some poor guy
left his jeep parked in the parking lot of Jack in the Box
in Beaumont, Texas. The sign blew over and landed right
on top it. The hole in the ground is where is top part of
the sign hit.
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Pricey
wrote:
Subject: How rich is John Travolta?
Ummm .....apparently old mate Johnno
isnt short of a few dollars!
Wow! -Orsm
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Robert
wrote:
Subject: Holden Efigy
Mr. Orsm, As a fellow car guy, if you have
not seen this yet, you will appreciate it. It's the Holden
Efigy concept car. It's simply stunning!
I was going to post
these in this update so here are the pics I had instead. I
want one... -Orsm |
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Mark Lawrence
wrote:
Subject: BBoyin vid music
I believe the song is "Street Level"
by Def Cut.
This was asked a few weeks back
in reference to this
vid. Cheers mate! -Orsm |
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Camo
wrote:
Subject: Finally something worth sending...
i'm fairly sure i haven't seen this posted
on your site before. i had never seen it before anyway.
pretty funny shit if you ask me.
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<with held>
wrote:
Subject: Janet Jackson naked
I found this on the net some place. Probably
one of your links or featured sites. Nope, usenet. Usenet
rocks. It looks to be a few years old, but she's still hella
hot. TAP THAT ASS!!! I only wish the vid were longer. I
could watch this all day. Hide my info?
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Dillo_09
wrote:
Subject: Video
Hey ORSM, I love your site, keep up the
good work. I am a long time lurker until now when I found
a video email you may enjoy!!
Have recieved this particular
clip so many times from so many people. Please stop. Please.
-Orsm
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<with held>
wrote:
Subject: tyra
Whatta find. Love the site. Don't post
my junk please.
How come I keep reading about
Tyra and her boobs? I like her style. Never stop Tyra...
never. -Orsm
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jrh
wrote:
Subject: We use real guns
You'd say 'holy f*ck' too. This is at
a range near Arcadia, Oklahoma USA. We use real guns here.
from tornado alley
Okay you got me... holy fuck!
-Orsm
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A primary teacher starts a new job at a school
in Collingwood and, trying to make a good impression on her first
day, explains to her class that she is a Collingwood fan. She asks
her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Collingwood
fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little
girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and
says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because
I'm not a Collingwood fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well,
if you're not a Collingwood fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I'm a Richmond fan, and proud of it," Mary replied. The
teacher could not believe her ears.
"Mary, why are you a Richmond fan?"
My mum and dad were born and raised in Richmond, so my mum is a
Richmond fan and my dad is a Richmond fan, and so I'm a Richmond
fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously
annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Richmond fan.
You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What
if your mum was a prostitute, your dad was a drug addict, and your
brother was a car thief, what would you be then?" "Then,"
Mary said, "I'd be a Collingwood fan."
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited
to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his
head and his wooden leg. So he writes to a fancy dress company to
explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with
a note:
"Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's
outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head, and
with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate."
The man thinks this is terrible because they
have just emphasised his wooden leg, so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he received another parcel and note:
"Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel.
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your
wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part".
The man is really furious now, because the company
has gone from emphasising his wooden leg to drawing attention to
his bald head. So he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A
few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with
the accompanying letter:
"Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of
Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head,
stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a fucking toffee apple."
ORSM
VIDEO
THE
WILDEST PARTIES. THE SEXIEST BABES. THE HOTTEST SEX. THATS WHAT
I CALL A HARDCORE PARTY!
A plane is on its way to Melbourne
when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class
section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this
and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde passenger that she
paid for 'Economy' and that she will have to go and sit in the back.
The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne
and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and
tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting
in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her
seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries
to explain that because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled
to an economy place and she will have to leave and return to her
original seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm
going to Melbourne and I' m staying right here!"
Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that
it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting
when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to
reason. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this,
I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!"
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear,
and she says "Oh, I'm sorry - I had no idea," gets up
and moves back to her seat in the economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed
and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. The
Pilot replied "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne..."
AMAZING = ALL NATURAL BABES
WITH HUGE BOOBS GETTING FUCKED
HARDCORE EVERY WHICH WAY IMAGINABLE!
George Dubya was out jogging one morning along
the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed
in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to
him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water.
He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."
George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force
One".
The second kid said, "I want a new pair
of Nike Air Jordan's." George said, "I'll get them for
you and even have Michael sign them"!
The third kid said, "I want a motorised
wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!" Bush is
a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like
you are handicapped...?" The kid says, "No but I will
be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"
At a construction site one day at lunchtime,
three men were all sitting down to eat their lunches. The first
man opens up his lunch pail to find a PB&J sandwich "PB&J
AGAIN! I swear, if I have to eat this one more time I'm going to
jump off this DAMN building!".
The second guy opens up his lunch box to find
a tuna sandwich "TUNA AGAIN! If I have to eat another one of these
stinking things again I'm going to jump off with you!".
The third guy looks inside his box and sees a
bologna sandwich and screams "HELL, bologna again, well, if
I get this again, I'll jump off this building with ya!
Well, the next day all three guys find the same
types of sandwiches in their containers so they all leave notes
as to why they jumped and then jump off.
At the funerals the new widows are all sitting
together. The first man's wife cries, "if only he had told
me, I would have fixed something else." The second mans wife
says "It wouldn't have been a problem... I thought he liked
tuna." But the third guys wife sat their dumbfounded and said
"well I just... just... don't understand! He made his own lunch!"
ORSM
VIDEO
I'VE
BEEN PLUGGING ALL SITE ACCESS FOR SO LONG NOW I THOUGHT IT WAS ABOUT
TIME TO BUY A MEMBERSHIP AND CHECK IT OUT FOR MYSELF! WHY THE HELL
DID I WAIT SO LONG? THIS IS AWESOME! CLICK HERE & CHECK IT OUT!
Poke me with a fork - I'm done.
I'm sorry to say it but this update has come to an end and its time
to wish you all farewell for another 7 days. If I have done my job
properly then I've successfully managed to keep plenty of you away
from whatever else it is that you are supposed to be doing. In return
all I ask for this is that you tell all your friends about ORSM
DOT NET!
Until next time be good,
stay off the chems and remember that one sure fire cure for the
common cold is suicide.
Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
