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Oh yes... Spring is well and truly here which
means the onset of summer is nigh. The sun is shining, the birds
are singing and most importantly chicks are making that transition
from winter attire to the more pleasing summer-wear.
No doubt about it - right now is the best time
of the year. It's warm but not too hot, cool but not too cold. It's
all good having summer right around the corner but having said that
my mind starts to drift back to past summers... summers of sleepless
nights, sweltering in the incessant heat.
I do have a feeling that the next few months
are going to be hotter than usual too. It was a pitiful winter.
They call that cold? I spent most of it in shorts and a t-shirt.
But as the old saying goes - desperate times call for desperate
measures [or what ever the fuck it is]. I think I'm going to have
to confine myself to the house and car between December and March
basking in the product of man's greatest invention - the airconditioner.
I'm happy with warm but as soon as the temperature
starts going north of 30 degrees [celsius] it's long faces from
me. Actually if it stayed spring all year, that would be more than
acceptable. Anyways, enough about the impending sufferance - the
more I dwell on it, the worse it'll be when it arrives.
Mail
list subscribers will recall me saying that I'm busily working
through the site archives changing pretty
much all of the links to chick pics and shit like that. When you
consider how many god damn images there are on the site why the
hell would I commit myself to something so fucking time consuming
and boring? For ages now you guys have asked for a 'next image'
link to be placed at the bottom of each pic so you don't have to
keep opening up millions of new windows to see a set of images.
Well your wish is my command so shut the fuck up and enjoy it. Oh
yeah - not all of the links accross the site have been changed yet.
By the way HUGE thanks to Yuri who coded it up.
Hopefully that'll bring a few happy faces. While I think of it actually...
if there's any 'l337' coders out there who could write a small program
to speed the process up a bit, drop me a
line and i'll explain the problem.
ORSM RANDOM THOUGHT:
I am always prepared to recognise
that there can be two points of view - mine and one that is probably
wrong. [John Grey Gorton - Australian Parliamentarian]
The Advice Asshole is back again this week and
in fine form too. Check
him out here. And for those of you who are here 'just for the
articles' I present the following...
Just
Unlucky - His
& Hers World Records - The
Many Ways To Order Pizza - Block
Buster Video - Bal Bal
Create
A Ride - Black
People Love Us - Know
You Drugs - Spank
The Monkey - I
Love You
... and if you get a
chance I highly recommend checking out some of the vid's at Multi
Level Moves. This guy is amazing. Sort of makes you wonder what
the fuck you have been doing with your life and why you can't do
what he can. JoeEigo.com.
Nick the Dragon Slayer was an official in King
Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession with nuzzling the
beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for
this would be death.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his
colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor.
Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the
Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000
gold coins to arrange it. Without hesitation, Nick the Dragon Slayer
readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch
of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere
while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced
and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to
address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and
Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would
cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva
of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the
itch.
The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.
Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote
for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and
for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's
voluptuous and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved,
and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio
the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his
obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer could have cared
less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report
this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a
massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's loincloth.
The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...
Moral: Pay your bills!
As a young boy, Joe was completely
obsessed with tractors. He had pictures of tractors all over his
bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor
carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept
tractors. On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation
to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor.
His excitement was incredible as he told his
family and friends. The great day came and he went to the factory
for the test-drive.
Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with
the tractor when Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping
and breaking Joe's leg and fracturing his skull.
He was so upset and tried to sue the tractor
company for negligence. But the company would have none of it and
told him there was no liability and He could get lost!
You can imagine he was very annoyed with tractors
after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever.
All the posters came down, the toys were given
away - tractors were GONE.
Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink.
Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it
he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were
streaming down her face.
Joe asked her what was wrong and she said
that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears.
With that, Joe looked around and then took a
huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked outside into
the car park and blew all the smoke out again. He goes back into
the bar where the air is now clear and sweet and sits down next
to the girl.
"That was amazing!" she said,
"How did you do that?"
"No problem", said Joe…
"I'm an ex-tractor fan..."
WHY AUSSIES ARE SMARTER
A Frenchman, an Englishman, and an Australian
get captured by cannibals. The Chief comes to them and says, "The
bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill
you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, then we'll eat you,
and then we'll use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is
that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword."
The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman cries "Vive la France!"
and runs himself through.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please."
The chief hands him a gun, the Englishman points it at his head
saying "God save the Queen!", and blows his brains out.
The Australian says "Gimme a fork."
The chief is puzzled, but shrugs and gives him a fork. The Australian
takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach,
sides, chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing all over the place,
it's horrible.
The chief is appalled and asks, "God almighty,
what are you doing?" The Australian sneers and says, "So
much for your canoe, you stupid jerk!"
ORSM
VIDEO
PIANO MAN
This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant
in town. "Where's the bloody, mother fucking manager you cock
sucking arse wipe?" he politely inquires to one of the waiters.
The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me
sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language
in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can".
The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are
you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?" "Yes
sir, I am," replies the manager, "but I would prefer it
if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private
restaurant".
"Fuck off" replies the bloke "and
where's the fucking piano?" "Pardon?" says the manager.
"Fucking deaf as well, are we? You little piece of sniveling
shit, show us your pissing piano."
"Ahhhh!" replies the manager, "you've
come about the pianist job" and shows the bloke to the piano.
"Can you play any blues?" "Of course I can,"
and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful
sounding honky-tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.
"That's superb. What's it called?"
"I want to fuck your missus on the sofa but the springs keep
hurting me knob," replies the bloke.
The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the
bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy
jazz solo the manager has ever heard.
"Magnificent!" cries the manager, "What's
it called?" "I wanted a wank over the washin' machine
but me balls got caught in the soap drawer".
The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if
he knows any romantic ballads, the bloke then plays the most heartbreaking
melody. "And what's this called?" asks the manager. "As
I fuck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy
ring-piece," replies the bloke.
The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language
but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any
of his songs or talk to any of the customers. This arrangement works
well for a couple of months until one night sitting opposite him
is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's
wearing an almost see through dress, her tits are almost falling
out the top of her black lace bra, and the skimpy little 'G' string
she's wearing is riding up the crack of her beautiful bottom. She
is sitting there with her legs slightly open sucking suggestively
on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin!
Anyway it’s too much for the bloke and
he runs off to the bogs to wrestle with his bald headed chimp. He's
pulling away furiously when he hears the manager's voice "Where's
that bastard pianist?"
He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster
he runs back to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself
properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes.
The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano,
leans over and whispers in his ear, "Do you know your knob
and bollocks are hanging out your trousers and dripping jism on
your shoes?". The bloke replies "Know it? I fucking wrote
it!!"
SANKE IN
A BOX
It's just like opening a cereal packet and finding a suprise
inside...
TRUE STORY [I SWEAR]
This happened in a little town in Mexico, and
even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's absolutely
true! This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very
dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was roiling and
no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few
feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and
stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed
the door - and only then realised that there's nobody behind the
wheel! The car starts very slowly. The guy looks at the road and
sees a curve coming his way.
Scared, he starts to pray, begging for his life.
He hasn't come out of shock when, just before the car hits the curve,
a hand appears thru the window and moves the wheel. The guy, paralysed
in terror, watched how the hand appears every time they are approaching
a curve.
The guy, gathering strength, gets out of the
car and runs all the way to the nearest town. Wet and in shock he
goes into a cantina, asks for two shots of tequila, and starts telling
everybody about the horrible experience he just went through. A
silence enveloped everybody when they realise the guy was crying
and wasn't drunk.
About half an hour later two guys walked in the
same cantina and one said to the other, "Look, Pepe, that's
the asshole that got in the car while we were pushing it!"
A judge was interviewing a lady regarding her
pending divorce, and he asked her, "What are the grounds for
your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice
little home in the middle of the property with a stream running
by."
"No," he said,
"I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "Why,
it is made of concrete, of course," she responded.
"I mean," he continued,
"what are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and
uncle living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you
have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "we
have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried
again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes,
both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily
like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'."
"Ma'am, does your
husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded,
"about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, frustrated and at the
end of his rope, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a
divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied.
"I've never wanted a divorce. It's my husband that does. He
says he can't communicate with me."
 |
ORSM
VIDEO
This little vid starts off here as a normal
porn clip only turn into a freaky Sinead Occonnor impersonator
getting defaced in her own special way...
- Cum
On My Head -
[Video requires Quicktime
for playback] |
HAPPILY MARRIED
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding
anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of
the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret
of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,"
explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a
trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone
too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's
once.' We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again.
Once more my wife quietly said, 'That’s twice.'"
"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule
stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from
her pocket and shot the mule dead. I started to protest over her
treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said 'That's
once.'"
READER MAIL
Erion wrote:
Subject: Columbus Day Regatta
Hi here are some pics. of the Columbus
Day Regatta in Miami Fl. U.S.A. I hope you like them and can post
them for me on the Best site on the web!
NOTE: Because there were so many pics
in this series I'll post the rest next update!
There was also this little
gem which I forgot about. It was sent to me when the site was down
at the end of September...
Midget wrote:
Subject: HELP!!
I am lost w/o ur porno.......i have missed
the site so much........Get it back up and running.......so I can
have sweet masturbation.....
Almost forgot to mention... last
update I posted a couple of emails from 2 different people who'd
sent me pics claiming that the
chick in them was their ex. Looks like these 2 guys have been
sprung! Lindsey Carter is apparently her real name and you can find
more info on here right
here.
GEORGE
George went on a vacation to the Middle East
with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their
vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem. George's mother-in-law
died. With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American
Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the
States for proper burial.
The Consul, after hearing of the death of the
mother-in-law told George that the sending of a body back to the
States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much
as $10,000.00. The Consul continues saying that in most cases the
person responsible for the remains decides to bury the body here.
This would only cost $150.00.
George thinks for some time and answers, "I
don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what
I want to do."
The Consul, after hearing this, says "You
must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference
in price."
No, it's not that," says George. "You
see, I know of a case many years ago of a person who was buried
here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just
can't take that chance!"
The lion was proud of his mastery of the animal
kingdom. One day he decided to make sure all the other animals knew
he was king of the jungle. He was so confident that he bypassed
the smaller animals and went straight to the bear.
"Who is the king of the jungle?" the lion asked. "Why,
of course, you are," the bear replied. The lion gave a mighty
roar of approval.
Next he asked the tiger, "Who is the king of the jungle?"
The tiger quickly responded, "Everyone knows that YOU are,
oh mighty lion."
Next on the list was the elephant. "Who is the king of the
jungle?" the lion asked. The elephant immediately grabbed the
lion with his trunk, whirled him around in the air five or six times
and slammed him into a tree. Then he pounded him onto the ground
several times, dunked him under water in a nearby lake and finally
dumped him out on the shore.
The lion - beaten, bruised and battered - struggled to his feet.
"Look," he told the elephant, "just because you don't
know the answer is no reason to get upset."
APPETISING
Hungry for a toilet cone? Not sure
if these pics make me wanna shit or eat ice cream... or is that
shit ice cream ... or eat shit... or maybe even eat shit cream??
Fuck knows...
Five men were bragging about how smart their
dogs were. One was an Engineer, the second was an Account, the third
a Chemist, the fourth a Computer Tech and the fifth a Public Servant.
To show off the Engineer called his dog, "T-Square,
Do your stuff" T-Squared trotted over to the desk, took out
some pen and paper ,and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was incredible but the Chemist said his dog
was better.
"Measure do your stuff." Measure got
walked over to the fridge, took out a litre of milk, got out a 250ml
glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 200mls without spilling
a drop. Everyone agreed that this was impressive. The Computer Tech
knew he could top them all.
"Hard-drive, have a go at it." Hard-drive
crossed the room, booted the computer, checked for viruses, upgraded
the operating system, sent an email and installed a cool new game.
Everyone agreed that was a tough act to follow. The four men turned
to the public servant and said '"What can your dog do?"
The government worker called to his dog "Coffee
Break, do your stuff, boy!" Coffee break jumped to his feet,
ate all the biscuits, drank all the milk, erased all the files on
the computer, sexually assaulted the four other dogs, injured his
back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working
conditions, put in a claim for workers compensation, and went home
for six months stress leave.
NEWS
FLASH
Big Borther III was started in SOWETO,
South Africa 3 weeks ago... Of the original 12 'Housemates', 2 have
been murdered, 3 raped and 4 mugged. There are now a total of 165
people in the house...
WORTH-A-SURF
This week's Worth-A-Surf crew are an odd bunch. I have photo's of
all of them eating their young. Sickening.
Maul
Rat - Camel
Toes - Foolish
Media - Project
Death - Procrastination
- Drew Skillz
- Sex Project
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument
about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it
for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally
God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run
two hours and I will judge who does the better job."
So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards
and typed away. They moused, they did spreadsheets, hey wrote reports,
they sent faxes, they sent e-mail, they sent out e-mail with attachments,
they downloaded, they did some genealogy reports, they made cards,
they did every known job.
Ten minutes before their time was up, lightning
suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured
and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank
screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus
just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each
of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically,
screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when
the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out
all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and
became irate. "Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?" God
shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
--------------------------------------------
Three guys at a classy golf course
are waiting for their friend to show up in order to complete their
foursome. After waiting several minutes and at risk of losing their
tee time, the three notice an oddball standing by the clubhouse
all by himself, carrying a bag of clubs. The three of them look
at each other, shrug their shoulders and figure, "Why not?"
They ask the stranger if he would like to play
with them, and with a thick Italian accent, he agrees. While playing
on a green, one guy asks, "So, what do you do for a living?"
The Italian guy responds, "I'm a hit man." Not believing
the guy, they begin to laugh.
"No, I'm not kidding," he replies,
"take a look at my sniper rifle here in my bag, it costs $1000
every time I pull the trigger." The three golfers begin admiring
the rifle and the huge scope that is on top. The first guy jokingly
says, "I bet I can see my house from here with that thing!"
As a friendly gesture, the hit man hands him
the gun and says "Here, take a look." The first guy takes
the gun and looks toward his house through the scope, just past
the next hole.
"Hey!" he yells while looking through
the scope, "My wife is naked with the neighbour and they are
kissing!" He asks the hit man, "How much for you to pull
the trigger?", the hit man replies, "$1000."
The guy then yells, "Okay, I'll give you
$2000; I want you to shoot my neighbour in his penis for obvious
reasons and I want you to shoot my wife in her mouth for always
nagging me!"
With that, the hit man takes his rifle, loads
it, and takes aim toward the guy's house. He is sitting there for
a long time, just looking through the scope. The guy yells, "What
the hell are you waiting for?" The hit man says, "Hold
on here, I'm about to save you a thousand dollars!"
A man travelling by plane and in
urgent need to use the men’s room is nervously tapping his
foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the men’s
room door, it was "OCCUPIED".
The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested
that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against
using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked "WW,
WA, PP and ATR".
Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding
the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get
the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway. He carefully
pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediately warm
water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW,
the women really have it made!" Still curious, he pressed the
button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly
dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world!
The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which
delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't
resist the last button marked "ATR". When he woke up in
the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse.
When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened
to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on
a business trip!"
The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having
a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which
stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis is under your
pillow!"
A polish couple were delighted when their long
wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption centre called
and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the
couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption centre, they
stopped by the local college so they each could enrol in night courses.
After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired,
"What ever possessed you to study Russian?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted
a Russian baby, and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just
want to be able to understand him."
There was this little guy sitting inside a bar,
just looking at his drink. After he didn't move for a half-an-hour,
this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him,
took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down. The poor
man started crying.
The truck driver turned and said "Come on
man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just
can't stand to see a man crying."
"No, it's not that." the man replied,
"Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and
was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then
fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out that it
was stolen."
The police said they could do nothing. I then
got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the
cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I
got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener."
The man was really sobbing now, "I left
home depressed and came to this bar. And now, just when I was thinking
about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison..."
Terry Wallace, the coach of the Western Bulldogs
gets wind of a potential new young recruit who lives in Bosnia.
Wallace and the Bulldogs Recruiting Manager catch a plane to war
torn Bosnia and track the young boy down.
They risk life and limb dodging bombs, bullets
and grenades but finally find him and convince him to come to Australia.
The boy does a full pre-season, plays all the practice matches and
gets picked on the bench in the seniors for the first game of the
year.
Ten minutes into the first quarter, Chris Grant
goes down with a severe knee injury. Terry Wallace turns to the
boy and says "This is it son, go to centre half forward and
show us what you can do." The boy proceeds to play the greatest
debut game in AFL history. He kicks 9 goals, takes mark of the year,
and kicks the winning goal after the siren from outside 50.
The Western Bulldogs chair him off the ground
and give him three cheers back in the rooms. Terry Wallace tells
the team what the boy from Bosnia has been through and that he is
a model lesson for all.
Wallace then pulls the boy aside and says "Go
into my office son, ring your Mother and tell her what you did today".
He proceeds to do so. "Mum", he says down the phone, "Guess
what I did today?
"I don't care what you did today his Mother
replies. "I tell you what happened here today", she goes
on. "Your Dad was murdered, our house torched, our car blown
up, your sister raped and your brother abducted."
"Gee," says the boy. "I feel a
bit responsible for what happened". The Mother replies "So
you should be, if it wasn't for you we would never have shifted
to Footscray."
CHICKEN
Three Jewish sons left home, went out on their
own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts
that they were able to give to their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for
our mother". The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with
a driver." The third said, "I've got you both beat."
"You know how Mum enjoys reading the Torah and you know she
can't see very well... I sent her a large brown parrot that can
recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach
him. I had to pledge to contribute $1,000,000 a year for twenty
years but it was worth it. Mum just has to name the chapter and
verse and the parrot will recite it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters
of thanks.
She wrote to the first son, "Milton, the
house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have
to clean the whole house."
She wrote to the second son, "Marvin, I
am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never used
the Mercedes and the driver is SO rude."
She wrote to the third son, "Dearest Melvin,
you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother
likes. The chicken was delicious."
CUTE PUPPY
I've said it before but I'm a huge dog lover
and at the moment I'm doing everything possible to stop myself from
buying one. I can deal with feeding it, washing it and cleaning
up dog shit but the only thing really standing in the way is not
knowing where I am going to be in coming years. Definitely don't
have it in me to dump the poor pooch at the dog pound when I don't
have time for him anymore. Anyways, as cute as this little puppy
is I think I'd want a real dog...
WOMEN ARE LIKE FOOTBALL GROUNDS
1. There is a vast difference
in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality
of the play.
2. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald.
3. Remember it is possible to score at both ends.
4. Tackling from behind is not always an offence - check with ground
owner.
5. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of Premiership
standard but in reality would not even be eligible as a council
dumping ground.
6. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities.
7. Don't ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also
never mention pitches previously visited.
8. Extra time is dependent on subsequent pitch bookings.
9. If the ground does not seem to have under-soil heating suggest
calling the game off, possibly even contact coroner.
10. When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman
at the back.
11. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles.
12. Always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel.
Conversely, DO NOT expect to be allowed to come straight from the
tunnel to the goal mouth and score. That can leave a nasty taste
in the mouth of the pitch owner and may prevent further use of the
ground.
13. Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies.
14. It is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches.
15. From time-to-time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent
goalie.
16. Russian grounds are frequently more grassy.
17. French grounds are frequently very nice to look at, however
there can sometimes be an awful smell from the terraces which don't
get hosed down as often as they should.
18. Very few grounds are found with executive boxes.
19. Be wary of grounds with room for coaches.
20. Always be on the look out for grounds that host ladies football
two evenings a week.
21. Pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up
to 5 days a month, although this can be longer if you piss the owner
off by continually asking to play up the good end instead.
22. Players will have to agree personal terms with the club, before
being allowed to play on the turf.
23. Don't forget that if you use your hands in the area you may
be penalised.
24. As the spot can be very indistinct on some pitches you may need
to ask the pitch owner to help you locate it. It is a good idea
to re-mark it in white each time you play.
25. If there is a strong wind you need to be careful which end you
choose.
26. Use your subs wisely so that you have a hard man on for the
climax of the game. You shouldn't bring him off too soon.
27. It is best not to admit to having played on a plastic pitch.
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HORTHY HORTHY
This guy owns a horse stud farm. One day a friend
phones him up and says, "There's this dwarf with a speech impediment
I know who wants to buy a horse, so I've sent him round to see you."
Sure enough the dwarf turns up. The owner asks
him, "Do you want a male horse or a female horse?" "A
female horth," the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a
mare. "Nithe horth," says the dwarf, "Can I thee
her eyth?"
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the
horse's eyes. "Nithe eyth", but can I thee her teeth?"
Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.
"Nithe teeth, but can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but
again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears.
"Nith eerth," he says "now can I see her twot?"
With this the owner picks the dwarf up and shoves his head deep
inside the horse and holds him there for a second before pulling
him out and putting him down.
"Perhaps I thould rephrathe that"
said the dwarf. "Can I see her wun awound?"
A priest was driving along and saw
a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift
which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her
gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and
nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid
his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and said, "Father,
remember psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologised profusely.
He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to
remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he
let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember
psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologised. "Sorry sister
but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave
him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the
church, the priest rushed to get a bible and looked up psalm 129.
It Said, "Go forth and seek. Further up, you will find glory."
ORSM
VIDEO
That lot pretty much
winds up another update! Tune back in soon for more mindless drivel.
Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and don't forget to
sign up for the newsletter!
Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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