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Welcome to Orsm.net. Why cant everybody just get along? Because they're all retarded!
What a sensational time of the year. The weather is becoming more perfect by the day, the cricket is in full swing, December is just hours away and we have just three more updates before the year is over! I don't know what everyone else is doing but god damn I am looking forward to that week off between Christmas and New Year!
This got me looking through the site archives and worked out this is update 48 for the year - thus far just 1 less than all of 2005 with the aforementioned 3 still to go. I don't know if I should be proud or woeful. I say it every year but this year I have definitely worked harder and longer on the site than any other and missed out on a lot of shit because of it. Awww poor me huh...?
Not that I dare complain though... of all the jobs I've had in my life there is none other I would rather be doing than running this site... except retirement maybe...? But its time to rejuvenate. I've been thinking and planning and scheming for the last few months on changes I want to make to the site. I wont go in to major detail suffice to say things need to be added, removed, freshened, automated, and most of all I want to see a complete new design. I've got a million ideas but as always would love to hear from you guys.
The Ashes... it's probably a little too early to start gloating but doesn't England just suck at cricket? I tried to watch or listen to as much of the five days as I could and it just got sweeter with every bowl and every run but to be completely honest I think the thing I took most delight in was the lack of email in my direction from the Poms. Usually there is something telling me to fuck up or not get too cocky but I'm just glad that you guys have accepted the reality so soon in the series...
On to my week which really has been all over the damn place. Up and down, round and round. Good, bad, average. It kicked off Friday - lunch with a mate in a trendy little noodle bar called Wagamamas. I know they are starting to pop up everywhere so if you like noodles then go no further. We followed that up with a beer at the nearest pub watching the cricket. Honestly if I could spend every Friday like that I would be a happy man.
After that it was home to work for a few hours then off to the annual 'Wanneroo Agricultural Show' which is basically a whole bunch of rides, greasy food, shitty stalls selling shitty products and an extremely poor fireworks show which showered us in debris. Did I mention the people? Imagine a few thousand rednecks and yokels all crammed into one largish area and you're pretty much there. Strangely enough it was good fun though and at the very least a good perve opportunity if that's your thing........
Early start on Saturday. My sister and her BF finally found a rental and it was moving day. It was also buy a fridge and washer day so we got moving to the nearest sale and much to my surprise had both of them on the trailer and back to their place in less than a couple of hours.
Sunday... 'the first Sunday of summer'. TFSoS has absolutely nothing to do with the date but rather that magical one when the heat arrives - the first sign of what's ahead. Sadly though all I had planned was to attack the garden. I've done pretty well with it lately and the goal of getting it sorted before summer kicks in and I can relax was beginning to be realised but I just didn't have it in me to stand in the sun all day. I chose instead to stay inside [in the aircon!] and reorganise everything back to where it was before my visitors moved in back last May. I really can't put into words how good it is to have my space back. No clutter, no mess and for the most part everything is in its place. I pray to god it lasts!
I finally ventured outside early afternoon to give the car a quick wash all in preparation for the holy TFSoS tradition - a cruise along the coast with the boys. Okay so we've been pretty lax with it the last few years but it was a pretty relaxing way to spend an afternoon. Hopefully there'll be plenty more like it in the coming months... bring on summer!
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20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.
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A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth. "I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "OK Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either. "Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm not attached - I'll be having my baby on my own." After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman, "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."
"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair." "Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy."
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes." "Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this, the midwife again apologises, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt.
The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!" "What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked. "Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark.
THEN... AND NOW...
SCENARIO: JACK PULLS INTO SCHOOL PARKING LOT WITH RIFLE IN GUN RACK.
1963 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.
2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
SCENARIO: JOHNNY AND MARK GET INTO A FIST FIGHT AFTER SCHOOL.
1963 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.
2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark.
Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
SCENARIO: LITTLE JEFFREY WON'T BE STILL IN CLASS, DISRUPTS OTHER STUDENTS.
1963 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal.
Sits still in class.
2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.
SCENARIO: BILLY BREAKS A WINDOW IN HIS FATHER'S CAR AND HIS DAD GIVES HIM A WHIPPING.
1963 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.
SCENARIO: MARK GETS A HEADACHE AND TAKES SOME HEADACHE MEDICINE TO SCHOOL.
1963 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
SCENARIO: MARY TURNS UP PREGNANT.
1963 - 5 High School Boys leave town. Mary does her senior year at a special school for expectant mothers.
2006 - Middle School Counselor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies the ACLU. Mary is driven to the next state over and gets an abortion without her parent's consent or knowledge. Mary given condoms and told to be more careful next time.
SCENARIO: PEDRO FAILS HIGH SCHOOL ENGLISH.
1963: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2006: Pedro's cause is taken up by ultra-liberals. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English.
SCENARIO: JOHNNY TAKES APART LEFTOVER FIRECRACKERS FROM THE 4TH OF JULY, PUTS THEM IN A MODEL AIRPLANE PAINT BOTTLE, BLOWS UP A RED ANT BED.
1963 - Ants die.
2006 - ATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
SCENARIO: JOHNNY FALLS WHILE RUNNING DURING RECESS AND SCRAPES HIS KNEE. HE IS FOUND CRYING BY HIS TEACHER, MARY, WHO HUGS JOHNNY TO COMFORT HIM.
1963 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job.
She faces 3 years in State Prison.
And this is what they call progress?
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READER MAIL
Got some cool shit to share? Well you've come to the right place! We, the people of Orsm.net, do hold in high regard all things pertaining to compromising pictures of a tasty Ex or current female, jokes, vids of you and your mates acting all retarded, anything car related and as a matter of fact - anything anything related. All you've gotta do is click here and make the magic happen!
AL wrote:
Subject: gday mate
Hey Mr Orsm, long time viewer, fellow sand-groper and regular nice guy AL here...
I just wanted to say a little bit about the daylight savings. I am a firm anti-clock changing fella, and have several reasons I think you, along with most decent red blooded WA males will agree with, which are often overlooked.
While getting up an hour early is a fucking stupid idea, thats not my main gripe. While I am a nocturnal critter who likes to go to bed when its 10 degrees cooler and nice and dark, well... thats my business. What Im talking about, is the misuse of power.
Where did the decision come from? You honestly think the pollies sat down and researched the benefits and drawbacks of daylight savings? Hell no! That would get in the way of buying their 7th govt. mobile phone, deciding which 5 star restaurant to hold their meetings at and all important govy issues like that.
NO, it was all the pompous fuckin hippy cunts who forwarded that fucking "lets get daylight savings" email. The latte' sipping sort that want us to be like Sydney (you been to that place? what a fuckin shit hole). With the decision coming from stupid pollies, bending to the will of every fucking hippy cunt in town who simply had to hit "forward", just wait. The power will go to their heads, these fuckwits who blindly sent on that stupid fucking email (of which I received about 8 times a day for weeks on end) will think "hold on, we can change things just by sending mass emails around"
next thing you know, we're saluting an American government, living next door to Gary and Bruce, who are celebrating their 3rd wedding anniversary on the same day as their adopted Iranian transvestite sons 38th birthday by inviting the entire gay/lesbian Hesbola community over to their fucking wig wam for a game of nude volley hackey sack and a bit of tofu radish dip topped off with a quick sacrificing of a virgin.
look out mate, these unequal opportunity fuckers will take over, and the next thing you know V8's will be outlawed, beer will be taxed in lieu of Fagachinos, our flag will have some silly fucking boomerang on it, cricket grounds will be forced to have 'Friday fag day', there will be fuckin Gay only parking bays down the beach, blokes will be marrying goats and all manner of fagget shit will be popping up all over this perfect beautiful state of ours.
Did any of the people out bush or on farms get a chance to spam the pollies? ps. if you want daylight savings, get up a fucking hour earlier.
I'm still on the fence as far as to whether I support or oppose it but some interesting points nonetheless. -Orsm |
John wrote:
Subject: RE: Launch as Seen from Space Station
Whoever sent you the Space Station pictures is a moron, here's the article on those pictures from Snopes. (Which tells you that no, he obviously did not take them himself, got a forwarded email with them and sent them in)
Still cool, but not the space station. Cheers!
I was joking about taking them himself! -Orsm
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Muzza wrote:
Subject: Reader Mail: Subject: revheads
"...was fukn great till the blower drive belt went pop and it all went
quiet."????????
What drugs is graeme on? You can clearly see two rooster tails of sparks
come from the wheel rims near the end of that vid. This can mean only one
thing: this guy has done a monster burnout, and managed to pop both tyres
nearly simultaneously, thus making the burnout even better. If it was a
competition scored on the same rules as SummerNats, the driver scored extra
points for popping tyres within the time limit, not to mention that instant
smoke! If you look closely, through the smoke, you can just make out the driver
exiting the beast shortly after the tyres pop. He looks pretty happy with
himself, and rightly so, I say! Very tidy effort. Cheers from Muzza in Wagga, home of Revfest. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Euro-Weenie Cops Riposte
Hi Orsm, I felt compelled to respond to the attack on the 'Euro Weenie Cops' in your last update. Given that the NYPD just ended a guy's stag night (and life) in a hail of bullets here's my riposte to Daniel who thinks the answer is to give cops guns. Because nobody died and the Euro-weenie cops don't end someone's stag night in a hail of bullets. Like this. Daniel must be all in favour of this kind of police work ... After all what better way to resolve problems than to shoot them? Sad mentality. |
Shane wrote:
Subject: Kindergarten's version of a pair of scissors
Hi Orsm, Gotta love the innocence of kids eh?
Ha! -Orsm |
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Tofie wrote:
Subject: oops!she did it again
You must be sick of this crap, but may you could use one of the attached for your Random Shit column
I got these about ten thousand times so I've just stuck them all together. -Orsm
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Betty wrote:
Subject: Ex-Girlfriend Pictures for the site
Here's some pics of my ex-boyfriend getting his knob polished by the fat whore he cheated on me with. I swiped some vids from his computer also, if you want me to e-mail those. |
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mod 2004 wrote:
Subject: Great Fuck
Hi Mr. Orsm, great site! I just wanted to send you some nice Hi-Res pics from me and my good friend of mine. We never had a relationship, but time by time we had a great fuck together... and Anja has really great Boobs... Go on man! Your site rocks!
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Some Stooge wrote:
Subject: Only in Texas ...
Now we're talkin' boys n girls !! 28" rims with low profile tyres - could only happen in the US... couldn't it. He's the man!!! This is the Sheriff 's Police Car of the Local Sheriff Department in Texas (only in Texas). Specifications - ENGINE: 7.0L Supercharged V8, 515 KW, 904 Nm Torque. MAX SPEED: 250 (Limited). ACCELERATION: 0-100 in 6.5 sec. (Quick for a car that weighs more than 3.5 tonne!) WHEELS: 28 inch chrome TYRES: 325/35 R28 Profile |
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Nurries wrote:
Subject: Some Pics for ya
G'day ORSM bloke, Just thought I'd finally get off my arse and send some pics to you. Post what you want, or don't. Some of the pics are from the V8 round over your way earlier this year. Think I'll be moving across next year, got have a change from Melbourne. Keep up the good work bloke. Cheers. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Brilliant South African City Lodge Advert
Hi Mr Orsm. Great site yada yada.. anyway I got sent this brilliant Advert for a hotel chain in South Africa. I doubt it will ever see television but its still brilliant. Please don't post my details. Cheers |
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Dale wrote:
Subject: Perth Stripper
Had a top night at "Mick Dundee's" place last Saturday. Had a girl over , she was a lot of fun. Claims she can fit 15 ice-cubes in her ass. She did about 5. Serena. Fuck she can talk though. All i can say about the video is ... "Big Red , move your fucking head !!" |
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Back in the days before twist-off beer caps, two Newfies went camping. They packed a cooler with sandwiches and beer and set out. After two days of hiking, they arrived at a great spot but soon realised that they had forgotten to pack a bottle opener.
The first Newfie turns to the second and says, 'You gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer." "No way, bye," says the second. "By the time I gets back, you'll have eaten all the food." "I promise I won't," says the first Newfie. "Just hurry!"
Five full days pass and there's still no sign of the second Newfie. Exasperated and starving, the first Newfie gives in to hunger and digs into the sandwiches. Suddenly, the second Newfie pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it!! I'm not fucking going!!!"
A Lebanese arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says "Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country, and giving me housing, money , free medical care and free education!" But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am Russian ".
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia!" The person says "I no Australian , I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful Australia!" That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am not an Australian!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an Australian?" She says, "No, I am from New Zealand!" So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Australians?" The Kiwi lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says, "Probably at work!"
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SOCIAL SECURITY SEX
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell.""My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what
the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"
QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 50th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'." "Yeah?" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you
happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all
over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
ELDERLY SEX
One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor 'assisted living apartment' killing him instantly. Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, "Yes, your honour. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex... he could fly."
RANDOM SHITE
Absolutely nothing gross or for that matter disturbing in this weeks RS. True story. Take the first pic for instance...
RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS
RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS |
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Four men were bragging about how smart their Cats were. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat: "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said: "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said: "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the government employee And said, "What can your cat do?"
The Government Employee called his cat and said: "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers compensation... and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave!
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your arse, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again.
ORSM
VIDEO
And that is update done. Time of death: Thursday 30th November 2006. Anyway I hate long goodbyes so I'm just going to cut to the chase this week..
- Check out the site archives because they fucking rock.
- Next update is next Thursday - the same as it is every week.
- Tell your friends to come check out ORSM-DOT-NET! or I will knife them all.
- Email me!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and have a bloody good weekend. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
