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Ah the joys of puppy
fatherhood. Okay I knew it was going to be alot of work getting
a puppy - cleaning up piss and shit, feeding, washing and keeping
her amused but I admit its taking up way more time than I thought
it would. Not that I am complaining ofcourse. I've wanted to get
another dog since I moved out of home and finally I have one.
The only thing I am really struggling with is
sleeping arrangements. I bought her a little bed/matress thingy
which resides in the laundry. No worries I thought, I'll just shut
her in there at nite time and she'll be all good. Unfortunately
the moment that door shuts the whimpering, the crying and the incessant
scratching at the door begins. Easy fix - she can sleep with me
for a while until she's a bit more relaxed and can handle being
alone. First few nites weren't a drama, probably because I didn't
have the base of my bed in my room which meant she could just walk
straight onto my matress and sleep next to me. But what happens
when the bed base comes back yesterday? For a start she could no
longer manage to get on the bed [which is what I wanted] so I watched
her whimper and moan and walk around my room restlessly for an hour
or so before we could both go to sleep. Sweet... that is until the
morning. Now that she's not on my bed means she can't wake me up
as easily [heavy sleeper]. When I do wake up I look around to see
photos chewed to bits, 2 piss patches and 2 shit piles. Fucking
disgusting but note for future reference that a bucket of hot water,
latex gloves, some old newspaper and a bottle of Big Kev's Stain
Remover works wonders.
So after going through all of this I still haven't
a clue how to make the transition from my bedroom to her laundry.
May just have to lock her in there and forget about it. Cruel to
be kind and all that stuff.
I should give her full credit for how fast she
is learning though. She mastered walking up and down the stairs
on her first day and I'm hoping she'll say her first word soon...
which ofcourse will be 'daddy'. Still hasn't figured out that chewing
up my fone charger and random other cables isn't cool though. Doing
my utmost to make sure she doesn't learn that the hard way...
The James
Hodges saga continues. I've been kept nice and up to date on
his thoughts on the matter and it does appear that he thinks I am
a moron of sorts. James was also quoted as saying something like
"well apparently nobody visits that piece
of crap orsm site anyhow cause I've to receive one e-mail about
that picture yet, so I'm not really worried about it".
Probably not entirely true due to him emailing me last nite asking
"what it's going to take for me to remove
the picture". Looks like this site aint a piece of crap
after all huh, Jimmy?
I don't know James - how about a big fucking
public apology to all the people you fucked off and caused headaches
for?? Forget me here, but what about the people that provided me
with legal advice, or the people that helped edit the pics from
Priceless to Prycless
or the fact I got booted off my last host because of you, and what
about all the thousands of people that enjoyed the pics?? All this
crap could have been averted had you just emailed me asking to remove
thie image! Anyways I'm guessing that'd be a good place to start.
Until
something satisfactory is forthcoming there's a brand new photo
of James stroking his pole right here. Some people just never
learn.
And now for those amongst you aren't literarily
defunct [and even for those who are]...
Human
Resources Memo - Normal
Or A Freak? - Holdens
& Fords - Heaven
Freezing Over
No
Glove No Love - Those
Crazy Chinese - Future
Lesbian - Sexy
Angie - Air
Port Security Scanner
Remember the Advice Asshole? He's feeling a bit
down and out due to you guys neglecting him lately! His previous
exploits are detailed here and
here and if you'd like to have
him solve your problems just drop him an email at killafrogkf@yahoo.com.
LOVE THE CRICKET
Following the crushing defeat of Pakistan, the
International Cricket Council has imposed a new set of rules for
the up coming Ashes series to make the contest more even.
1. As a result, England has been granted an 'automatic
wickie', freeing up wicket keeper Alex Stewart to defend the boundary.
Under the rule, Australian batsmen will be deemed out "caught
behind" if the ball nicks their bat and lands in the immediate
area behind the wicket. The rule is a compromise from the original
English proposal which had pushed for automatic slips as well. The
ICC refused that request on the grounds that "someone has to
go and get the ball when an Australian misses it."
2. In addition, Australia is under strict "tip
and run" restrictions which require they take a run off every
ball they hit. Steve Waugh was happy to accept this, as it meant
no change to his current game plan. As a compromise, it was agreed
that the Australians will also have to shout out the word "crease"
when completing a run to make run out decisions by umpires easier.
3. Following his outstanding performances, Australian
wicketkeeper Adam Gilchrist has "six and out" restrictions
imposed on him. As well, following complaints from English fielders,
Gilchrist will have to get the ball if it goes across the road.
4. Instead of using a bat, Matt Hayden
will now be obliged to use his arm with his jumper wrapped around
it.
5. New rules for England include "one hand,
one bounce" while they are fielding, and the provision of "last
man carries" when they are batting.
6. The English tried to extend the "can't
get out first ball" provision to "can't get out first
ten overs", but the ICC proclaimed that the extra runs gained
would hardly be worth the effort. Australian captain Steve Waugh
as vigorously opposed the "last man carries" rule and
has launched an appeal. Waugh says Australia will only agree to
the rule if there are electric wickets at the end, allowing Aussie
fielders to throw to the stumps at either end.
7. A spokesperson for the ICC also announced
that following six successive ducks "from now on Craig White
can't get out for a duck".
8. English pace bowler Andy Caddick will also
be allowed to wrap the ball's seam with electrical tape when he's
bowling in the second innings.
9. The spokesperson added there will be
"no LB" for English batsmen unless "it is really,
really obvious."
10. Shane Warne has conceded that it’s
"fair enough" that he has to bowl underarm (but not molly
grubbers) to the English tail end.
11. If England decides that Steven Harmison is
to be given an over, the umpire will deem the Australian batsmen
as dismissed if Harmison lands the ball anywhere on the pitch. Captain
Steve Waugh has no problems with this change, as the probability
of such a dismissal occurring is infinitesimally small.
Despite the changes, Australia remains firm favourites
going into the Ashes Series, paying $0.22, while an English win
is currently paying $1.3 trillion.
IT'S AN R!!
There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all
of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom.
His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not.
As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it
was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace. "Welcome
your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your
fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven.
You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free
access to all parts of heaven."
"You are also granted an open door policy
and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including
the Father without prior appointment." "Is there anything
which your holiness desires?"
"Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I
have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and
confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts
which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets
of old? I would love to see what was actually said, with-out the
dimming of memories over time."
Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the
heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents.
The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of
man's relationship with God.
Two years later a scream of anguish pierced
the stacks of the library.
Immediately several of the Saints and Angels
came running. There they found the Pope pointing to a single word
on a parchment, repeating over and over, "There's an 'R', there's
an 'R' -- it's celibRate!"
Little Johnny was doing very badly in math. His
parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning
centres, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a
last ditch effort, they took Johnny down and enrolled him in the
local Catholic School.
After the first day, little Johnny comes home
with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother
hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying.
Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Johnny
is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner
and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room
without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard
as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother
tries to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Johnny brings home his report
card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and
hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and
to her surprise, little Johnny got an A in math. She can no longer
hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what
was it? Was it the nuns?"
Little Johnny looks at her and shakes
his head "No". "Well then", she replies, "was
it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT
was it?".
Little Johnny looks at her and says, "Well,
on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus
sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
PAN CAKE
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were
in a pub, talking about their sons. My son was born on St George's
Day," commented the English man. "So we obviously decided
to call him George."
"That's a real coincidence," remarked
the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously
we decided to call him Andrew."
"That's incredible, what a coincidence,
"said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with
my son Pancake."
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
Two faggots were talking, and one had a pained
look on his face. "What's the matter, Brucie?" asked the
other faggot. "Oh, I have something stuck up my ass, Markie.
Could you check it out for me?" "Ok, bend over."
So Brucie bends over and Markie sticks his hand
up his ass. "It's deeper, Markie!", says Brucie, so Markie
sticks his hand in deeper. "It's -deeper-, Markie!", so
Markie sticks his hand in deeper. "I feel it!" says Markie,
"What is that?"
"It's *deeper*, Markie!", says Brucie,
so Markie puts his hand in deeper, still. "Ew!", says
Markie, "It's wrapped around my wrist! What – is - that?!"
He pulls his hand out and looks at it. "It's a Rolex watch!"
he says, "What are you doing with a Rolex watch up your ass?"
"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday
to you..."
Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says
"Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go
to talk, you say something you don't mean?"
The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the
airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had
these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh'
I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh.'"
The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having
breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can
you please pass me the sugar?' I said 'You've ruined my life you
complete and utter FUCKING BITCH'"
Italy funded a study to determine why the head
of a man's penis is wider than its shaft. The study took two years
and cost over 180,000,000 lira. The results of the study concluded
that the reason the head of a man's penis is wider was to provide
the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided
to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced
that the results of theItalian study were incorrect.
After three year of research and cost in excess
of 250,000,000 francs they concluded that the head of a man's penis
is wider than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure
during sex.
When the results of the French study were released,
the Irish decided to conduct their own study. The Irish didn't really
trust the Italian or French studies.
So after nearly three days of intensive research
and at a cost of approximately 36 quid, the Irish study came to
the final conclusion that the reason that the head of a man's penis
is wider than its shaft is to prevent your hand flying off and hitting
your forehead.
ORSM
VIDEO
READER MAIL
A. Supporter
wrote:
Subject: cancer fun
Listen, I used to be an art editor
at Syracuse University's Daily Orange, (18,000+ students) and we
had plenty of comics making fun of cancer, and only one or two complaints.
It's interesting how the people who DONT have cancer are the ONLY
ones who complain.
I also don't care for the "'put
you in a corner" attitude that complainer took with you. POSTING
jokes about cancer takes balls. Writing a complaint or saying you
are sorry for a site that carries much more objectionable content
doesn't take balls... it sacrifices them.
Capitan Danny
wrote:
Subject: <no subject>
I went to fantasy
fest in Key West and ended up with a black eye. I'm glad I didn't
have to travel to far as I am a bartender in Key West. A woman said
she would show me her boobs if I promised to give her a string of
beads, after looking at her I replied that I would give her two
stings if she promised she wouldn't. I guess I just don't understand
the fragility of a womans ego.
Dante
wrote:
Subject: Godfather Vs. Scarface
A friend and I here in Calif. had
this debate at a local pub (Red Robin... they have fosters on tap!!!)
and he thinks that Scarface is head and shoulders above any of the
GOFATHER movies. I would love to start a site for that reason to
prove that godfather rules. I think there would be little interest
in such a site. Could i trouble u to post some sort of poll as to
which movie is the better between the two?
What do you guys think? I finally got through
the entire God Father collection last week and I am going to watch
Scar Face again in the next day or two. It's a tough call. The brilliance
of the God Father versus the brilliance of Scar Face. Vote
in the Orsm.net Forums here.
RIDDLE FOR THE INTELLECTUAL
Here is a riddle for the true intellectual. Try
to come up with the answer on your own... the answer is at the end
for those who are unable to think this one through!!
At the exact same time, there are two young men
on opposite sides of the earth: One is walking a tight rope between
two skyscrapers; the other is getting a blow job from an 85 year
old woman.
They are both thinking the exact same
thing. What are they both thinking?
Don't look down. Don't look down. Don't
look down...
NEW RULES FOR THE ASHES THIS SUMMER
Q. What does "Ashes"
stand for?
A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.
Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An English batsman putting on sunscreen.
Q. What would Glenn McGrath be if
he was English?
A. An all rounder.
Q. What is the main function of
the England coach?
A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.
Q. Why is Darren Gough the unluckiest
bowler on tour?
A. Because he was born in England.
Q. What's the English version of
a hat trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.
Q. Why don't English fielders need
pre tour travel injections?
A. Because they never catch anything.
Q. What's the English version of
LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten and Walloped.
Q. What do you call a Englishman
with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.
Q. What's the most proficient form
of footwork displayed by Stewart?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.
Q. Who has the easiest job in the
England touring party?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.
Q. What advantage do Nasser Hussein, Mark
Ramprakash, Dean Headley, Alex Tudor and Graham Hick have over the
rest of their team mates?
A. At least they can say they're not really English.
Q. What do English batsmen and drug
addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score
will come from.
LINKAGE
Worth-A-Surf this week are the plebian
webmasters of the following fine sites. Webmasters wanting their
sites linked should do me a favour and read
here first please!
Link
To Pink - Perth
Extreme - How
To Pick Up Women - Crush
Kill - Procrastination
- 2400bps
John Howard is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.
"John, it's the health minister here. Sorry to bother you at
this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word that
the Durex factory in Melbourne has burned to the ground. It is estimated
that the entire Australian supply of condoms will be gone by the
end of the week."
"Shit - the economy will never be able to
cope with all those unwanted babies - we'll be ruined!" he
says. "We're going to have to ship some in from abroad... Britain?"
"No chance!! The Poms will have
a field day on this one!" "What about New Zealand?"
"Maybe - but we don't want them to know
that we are stuck. You call Helen - tell her we need one million
condoms; coloured gold and green; ten inches long and eight inches
thick! That way they'll know how big the Aussies really are!!"
The health minister calls Helen, who agrees to help the Aussies
out in their hour of need. Three days later a van arrives in Canberra
- full of boxes. A delighted John, rushes out to open the boxes.
He finds condoms; 10 inches long; 8 inches thick, all coloured green
and gold. He then notices in small writing on each and every one
- MADE IN NEW ZEALAND SIZE:
MEDIUM.
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and
was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called
out "Perhaps you should hear how all this came about!"
"I was driving home when I saw this young
woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made
her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge.
She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had
discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I
gave her the sweater I bought for you for your birthday but you
never wore because the colour didn't suit you."
"Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair
of your jeans which were perfectly good, but too small for you now.
Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there anything
else your wife doesn't use any more?'"
A primary school teacher decided to see how many
of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the
kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound.
"Who knows what sound a cow makes?"
she asked. Cindy put her hand up and said, "Moooo!"
"Very good," replied the teacher.
"What sound does a sheep make?" "Baaaa!" answered
Jimmy.
She continued this for a while. Then she asked,
"What sound does a pig make?" All the hands in the class
went up. She chose Little Johnny at the back of the class. He stood
up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall,
mother-fucker!"
One day a Gynaecologist decided that he was tired
of looking at the same thing every day as he had during all his
years as a gynaecologist. So he decided that he would take up a
new profession.
He goes to a technical school and enrols in a
course for auto mechanics. After having completed the course, he
is required to take a two part test in which he has to disassemble
an auto engine on the first part of the test. On the second part
of the test he is required to reassemble the same engine. The total
score possible for the completed test is 100 points.
After having completed the test, he receives
his test score and notices that his score is 200 points. He knows
that this cannot be right as the total score possible was only 100
points.
He goes to his instructor and tells him that
there was a mistake as he was given 200 points and the total possible
was only 100 points.
His instructor says to him, "This is what
we did. For having disassembled the engine correctly, we gave you
50 points, for having reassembled the engine correctly, we gave
you 50 points, and we gave you another 100 points for doing it all
through the exhaust system."
| ORSM
VIDEO
Part one of a six part series entitled
'Paris'. I'm sure that you guys will be mucho satisfied with
this offering too. Two of the hottest lesbian chicks you are
ever likely to come across... doing what lesbians do best.
Paris:
Part One |
|
And that for this week is it. Can't believe I
actually have an update done before 8am. I probably should make
the most of the oppurtunity and go out and enjoy the sun but fuck
that... I hate the heat. Am going to do a format and reinstall of
Windows et al. Always fun. Anyways until next time be good, stay
off the chems and sign
up for the god damn Orsm.net Newsletter! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
