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Welcome to Orsm.net. NNTBMHO k ?
I've been a busy little munchkin this week trying my hardest to get far enough ahead so I can escape for a few days and not worry about trying to crank out an update whilst I'm on the road. Not surprisingly when that will actually happen remains to be seen. Was thinking next week but with a long weekend only a day away I can see it fucking up my shit. Maybe the week after, maybe not. Long live pessimism.
Moving on... did anyone see the pictures of the art exhibition that caused all the controversy this week? Long story short - a well known, much revered photographer took a bunch of photos of kids aged in their early teens... all in the name of art. Usually no problem there except they were naked. It wasn't pornography, the photog had parental consent and it was all above board.
Hearing about it I didn't see what the big deal was but actually seeing them, albeit censored, on TV I immediately felt uncomfortable and like I was doing something wrong. I'm all for freedom of speech, artistic expression or whatever else you want to call it and I appreciate something which evokes strong emotions and is confronting but lets face facts... they're naked pics of a pre-pubescent girl. That said, I don't think he should be charged but it would be a bad thing if this encouraged a realm of others to start snapping away at kids under the guise of 'art'.
Now prepare yourself for some uninspiring, whiny drivel as I recount my weekend...
After spending the last five or six weekends going nuts in the garden and getting all the big stuff done it was time to give it a break. This sort of left me at a loose end so with no better offers I rendezvoused with the fam for lunch. From there it was home to stuff around the house for a few hours and then off to hit the shops. By the way - checked the lotto ticket I'd bought a week previous and it was another winner. $40 this time. Seem to be on a good run but hopefully I'm not using up all my joojoo on small returns. On the other hand you might say I'm working my way up to the big one...
Saturday night... where to begin. The plan was to head out and celebrate a friend's birthday, which after watching the footy [go Eagles] I did. The problem with this grand plan was the location - Subiaco. Subi, as its known, is a trendy little suburb neighbouring the CBD and one that I usually go out of my way to avoid. Why? Pretty simple - I don't like the people. I can handle the overpriced shops, cafes and the fact it's impossible to navigate when the football is on but the people, the people, the people drive me insane. The 'oobie-doobie-Subi' crowd we call them. Basically if you're a pretentious wannabe whose aim in life is to be 'seen' then Subiaco is for you.
Anyway with no way to get out of it I bit the bullet and trundled off to meet up with everyone at the Subi Hotel. After ten minutes lining up and getting annoyed watching two drunk guys try their hardest to slime on to a couple of even drunker girls [one of which didn't want to be called Meggypoo and wanted everyone to know - go figure] I was inside.
Half an hour later it was off to the Llama Bar. Not exactly sure what I was expecting but it didn't disappoint... bouncers in designer clothes, guys with far too much product in their hair and chicks just showing way too much skin. FYI - girls leaving something to the imagination is WAY hotter than not. Average age probably 20-25 which puts me out by a few years.
This got me thinking about when I started clubbing way back when. I'm sure we thought we ruled the placed and strolled around like we did and no doubt we were just as annoying as I find them. But that was then and this is now and I've had a chance to become embittered and jaded by this cruel, cruel world so for the time being I'll stick to hating people who are essentially just having a good time. You got to love free will...
Okay that'll probably do with the social commentary. If you spend all your time in Subi, think I live a sheltered life and have no idea what I'm talking about then drop me a line. For everyone else there's a brand spanking new update below and one of the best ones all week. Check it...
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"If you had a quarter," quizzed the teacher," and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?" "One quarter." answered little Johnny. "You don't know your arithmetic!" snapped the teacher shaking her head. Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my dad!"
--
Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood!" as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
| MACKENZIE & TIFFANY |
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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call!"
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus," says the barman. "The circus?" repeats the duck. "That's right," replies the barman. "The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?" "Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck. "Of course," the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right!" says the barman...
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says... "What the fuck would they want with a plasterer??"
ORSM
VIDEO
- CLICK HERE TO SEE A TASTY BRUNETTE BABE GET FUCKED ULTRA HARD! -
A young man went to sea for the first time. After they were out about a week, he began to get horny. He asked his bunkmate, "What do you do for sex on this ship?" The guy told him, "You see that barrel on the bow of the ship?" "Yes." "We'll, you can use it." "How?" "Just go up there and stick your dick into one of those holes and you'll be taken care of." "Man, I don't know about that!" "Okay."
So another few days go by and he's really getting in bad shape. So he goes out to the bow, looks to see if anybody's looking and seeing that there's nobody watching him, drops his pants and sticks his dick in the hole. He's surprised as to how good it feels.
So he goes back to his cabin and tells his buddy about it and the guy says, "I told you so!" He asks him, "How often can I use it?" "As often as you like, everyday except Thursday.""Why not Thursday?" "Because that's your day in the barrel."
| DESTROYING A SUNSEEKER '72 |
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READER MAIL
Absolutely bloody tonnes of email has poured
into the Orsmnet offices [read: the room adjoining the kitchen where
my computer is] this week. Sometimes I feel like all I am to you
guys is some sort of email repository... which is cool because I
like being able to sticky-beak into other peoples lives. Click here and send
me something!
< with held> wrote:
Subject: Tiger oil company and Edward Mike Davis.
G'day ORSM,
Thought you may see the irony in this. Especially when you read pages 17 & 18. And he had so much faith in the abilities of Mr Joseph C. Winkler III. Seems Edward Mike Davis' business principles didn't pay off in the end.
Pity, he seemed like such a nice, like-able bloke. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Repeat
Dude, the pictures in this link titles Chick pics from this weeks' post are great. But comon, repeating the same pics as you did in last weeks' post but titled it tits. I don't mind repeats, but 2 weeks in a row????
That was my bad. I fucked up the link. Was supposed to be this. -Orsm |
Brady Rosas wrote:
Subject: Your profile
Hello! I am tired this afternoon. I am nice girl that would like to chat with you. Email me at Madison@IndividualImprove.info only, because I am using my friend's email to write this. |
E wrote:
Subject: Chinese Number plate
Hi mate, I took this pic with my phone at a golf club in China where I have been working for 12 months.. Have to be the funniest and stupidest number plate I have seen ever.. Not sure whether it's a funny joke or they just don't have a clue about what they ordered…. If you live in Hong Kong and do business in China you need dual plates, and they are expensive to have them registered, about $10,000 Aus each year.. And to buy personalized plates in HK I would hate t know how much they paid for this.. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pics
Pics for Ramdum Shite. Post away!!
Mmm boobies. That's all it takes to make me happy girls! -Orsm
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ejh3 wrote:
Subject: testing
I saw this @ a mall in West Palm Beach, fla. Another reason that testing should be mandatory for parenthood... |
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David wrote:
Subject: Street sign
I took this photo recently of an actual street sign in Rhini, a poor area in Grahamstown, South Africa .. it's the actual street name. Thanks for Orsm.net! |
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Nig wrote:
Subject: Grasshopper porn
Hi there, love the site. check it out every week. Felt that last week's grasshopper porn feature was a bit drab, so check this out. lol.
I'm so turned on by this. -Orsm
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Jason wrote:
Subject: How NOT to hand prop your airplane
It started out at the Self service Avgas pump. A guy fueled his Cherokee, but knew he had a dead battery. Pushed the plane back, hopped in, primed the engine, left the throttle half open, mags on, and got back out. Gave the prop a swift swing, and the engine fired right up. Right up to around 1800rpm I guess. The plane took off, straight for the fuel farm. [ continues...] |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: hey there
Here are some pics of me and can you please post this link to my newbienudes profile beside them and please keep my information private. thank you for your time. |
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Michael wrote:
Subject: Truck driver anyone??
The driver has only been in Canada a few months, came from Pakistan. According to the person who sent this, the driver has only been in Canada a few months. He had missed his turn by Brandon Mb. And figured he could go over the hill and continue on the road. Apparently he didn't know there were rail tracks on top of the grade..... The truck owner figures he had to hit the angle at over 55 miles an hour in order to make the top. If you look close at some of the pictures you will see that it is only when the large reefer trailer pinched the rear tires of the truck that the truck stopped...... |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ex Girlfriend pics..
Ex Girlfriend pics.. please keep my name and address private,, I love your site!! keep up the good work.
Am sure we've seen her before...? -Orsm
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James wrote:
Subject: Pile of Snakes!
Hello Mr. Orsm, About a year ago I was struck in the boot by a Diamond Back Rattle Snake on an Oil Rig here in Wyoming. Fellow rig workers went back to the old rig location a few days ago and found this.... absolutely terrifying. Please do NOT show my e-mail or Name if these end up on the site, thx |
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S-S-Sami wrote:
Subject: Strange but True!
Johan Lorbeer is a German street performer. He became famous in the past few years because of his "Still-Life" Performances, which took place in the public area. Several of these performances feature Lorbeer in
an apparently impossible position. With his still-life performances, this German artist seems to unhinge the laws of gravity. For hours on time, he remains, as a living work of art, in physically impossible positions. Elevated or reduced to the state of a sculpture, he interacts with the bewildered and irritated audience, whose appetite for communication rises as time goes by, often culminating in the wish to touch the artist in his
superhuman, angelic appearance in order to participate in his abilities. |
Austin wrote:
Subject: twister in the burbs
Anyone else see this twister thingo yesterday afternoon, around 4:45pm around midland direction? we didnt get it on camera earlier, but it was touching the ground basically, it was fukn nuts! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: ex gf...
Hello Mr Orsm, been a fan of the site for a few years and thought it was about time I contributed to an update! Wasted three years of my life with this bitch, not only that, but the age 17-20 years when you're supposed to be enjoying life! Still, can't be all bad, took her virginity in every hole, and now sharing her tits with the world! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: spew
I check your site every week! Thought it was about time i made a contribution. There's more where this came from. Got this phone vid of a nip spewing on george st. sweet hey! please withhold my email address!
We've all been there... -Orsm
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A young man went into a brothel for the first time. He stares at the floor rather nervously waiting for the madam to arrive to help him.
When she arrives, she says, "What'll it be?" Having not done anything before, he shifts around a bit staring at the floor not knowing what to say when it just comes out. "I've never done anything like this before, I'm not sure what to ask for."
Recognising his newness at this, she lights up with delight, knowing he'll for sure be a return customer in the future. She says "Oh sweetie, we've got around the world, missionary, doggie, 69, and..." He interrupts and said, "Wait, that 69 thing sounds interesting." "Oh darling." she gleams with delight. "You'll just LOVE it! I'll set you up with Maria." "Just relax and go with the flow. Go upstairs, second door on the left, and Maria will be right with you."
Maria, in the meantime was walking her way back from a big Mexican lunch. She arrives, and the madam tells her she has a new kid to the scene, what he's asking for and to give him something to remember.
When she gets to the room, she smiles a sexy smile and tells him to get undressed and lay down on the bed. She's very beautiful and his dick gets hard in a second. She smiles, climbs on and starts going at it 69 style when the Mexican lunch starts to kick in. Being a pro and all, she holds it in thinking this guy would be done in no time and she could relive herself then.
After a few minutes the kid is still moaning and licking away when she feels this RRRRRRRRGGGGGGBBRR building up in her intestines from that lunch. After rocking around trying to dislodge the air, she figures he doesn't know much, and maybe she could ease one out without him noticing, seeing his nose is in her ass anyway. She can't hold it anymore and a little 'fffft' slips out. Her eyes roll around in relief.
The kids head pulls back, face all scrunched up and he's blowing air. She stops and thinks quickly of a way to dismiss it or take his attention away. She lifts her head up and asks, "Doesn't that feel good when I do that baby?" "Yeah, uh, sure. I guess so," came a reply from her ass side. Not knowing what the hell he was supposed to expect, he didn't say anything else. And they resume.
After a few more minutes, they're both moaning and groaning and going at it a little hotter when that lunch starts moving around some again, and more rumbling is going on. She tried rocking around again to help move the pressure building. She thinks to herself that he didn't say anything about the first one, maybe she could ease another one out to get rid of the pressure. She pushes a little bit while she's rocking and grinding around and gets a bigger 'ffffggch'. She moans in bliss.
Instantly, his head snaps back, his eyes are watering, face crunched up and he's blowing harder shaking his head at the same time. She lifts her head up and once again asks him, is everything alright honey, don't you like that? Isn't it hot?" He's choking a bit, but manages to slur out, "Yeah, it sure is." Not being able to see his face, she thinks she's in the clear and they proceed. Proud of herself for not getting caught, she's happy and really goes to town blowing his dick. He in turn returns the passion because she really was starting to squirm around this whole time, and he thinks he must be doing something right getting this pro to squirm.
She's surprised at his lasting power. About ten minutes later, she's been rocking around on him in both pleasure and as a means to keep the gas from building up in one spot because she's starting to get gas pains again. She holds on as long as she possibly can but her intestines are really rumbling and she can't hold it anymore. After all he's new and he didn't say a thing about the first two. She tries to let out another small one but it had built up too much and she lets go with a loud and wet 'PPPPBBBRRBBBBPPPPPP'.
He's gagging before his head comes back, and with her lying on top of him, he's thrashing his head from side to side gasping trying to blow air and find fresh air practically at the same time. "What's the matter baby, isn't that good; isn't that hot?" She asks. "Yeah, it sure is, but I don't think I can take 66 more of them things."
ORSM
VIDEO
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
| SASHA GREY - 18 YEARS OLD |
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ORSM
VIDEO
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat"s dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"
THERE'S MORE...
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Paddy, watch dis," Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrot shooting either!"
IT'S NOT OVER YET...
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
"Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook"n hengliding!"
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo".
| NAUTILUS HOUSE |
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A shepherd made his yearly trip into town and stopped by the bar to get a drink. He was getting tired of his love life with his sheep and decided to try something different.
He asked the bartender, "Bartender, you got any women in this town?" "No, but we've got Old Wong the Chinaman" "I don't go for that shit!" "Okay, you asked, I answered."
So he goes back into the mountains and resumes his previous routine. The next year, he goes back into town and asks the same thing and gets the same reply. He says, "I told you! I don't go for that shit!" "Ok.", says the bartender.
He goes back into the mountains and this year he REALLY gets tired of fucking those sheep! He just has to have something different. So he goes back into town and stops by the bar again and says, "Bartender, you got any women in this town?" Again the bartender says, "No, but we still got Old Wong the Chinaman." "I told you I don't go for that shit! But just in case I did, how much would it cost?" "$250.00" says the bartender. "$250.00! Why so much?" "Well there's $100.00 each for me and Charlie and $50.00 for Old Wong." "Why should I pay you and Charlie $100.00 each?" "Because somebody has to catch and hold Old Wong "Cause he don't go for that shit neither!"
| DRUNK GIRLS |
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Three older women were sitting around and bragging about their children. The first one says, "You know my son, he graduated with honours from Stanford, he's now a doctor making $250,000 a year in Chicago."
The second woman says, "You know my son, he graduated first in his class from Harvard, he's now a lawyer making half a million dollars a year and he lives in Los Angeles."
The last woman says, "You know my son Morris, he never did too well in school, he never went to any university but he now makes one million dollars a year in New York working as a sports repairman."
The other two women ask, "What is a sports repairman?" The third momma proudly replies, "Morris fixes boxing matches, football games, tennis matches..."
ORSM
VIDEO
And that's pretty much it... for the update and the month. But before I go...
- Check out the site archives. They're so big that Ray's ego finally has some competition...
- Next update will be next Thursday. That's Thursday not Wednesday. Thursday.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will fuck you without a condom. Ray's seed is so powerful that you'll get pregnant and give birth in just one month... even if you're a guy.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ??? . Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
