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Welcome to Orsm.net. Does my cock look big in this?
So I guess summer is over. Fuck knows what happened - one day it was stinking hot, the next its frickin' freezing. Kind of sad come to think of it... whilst I don't think we're completely done with the sun just yet I am definitely going to miss it. This was probably my favourite summer ever and that's actually saying something because for years I've dreaded the heat, the sweat and sleepless nights but the idea of bitter, biting cold from now until November gives me chills. Now where did I put that heater...?
Okay I've avoided the subject for as long as possible but I am completely and utterly over hearing about David Hicks. And on the off chance you don't know who he is - David Hicks is an Australian currently imprisoned at Guantanamo Bay for being a retard. Long story short, he converted to Islam, trained with the bad guys, gave Osama a couple of killer blowjobs and five years ago was captured in Afghanistan whilst fighting with al-Qaeda.
Ever since then he's been a constant news story with all the 'bleeding hearts' upset that [until recently] his incarceration was without charge. Oh how sad... the poor little ex-junkie come trained terrorist bad-arse who was quoted as saying he wanted to come back to Australia to kill Jews and crash a plane into a building was locked away where he couldn't do any of that shit.
All that is finally starting to change for him though. Hicks' trial began a few days ago and he entered a guilty plea which means he'll get some sort of a deal but whether its freedom or more imprisonment, one way or another he gets to come back to Australia.
This is the bit that doesn't make any sense to me... if he has time to serve, it'll be in a cushy [by comparison] Aussie jail paid for by Aussie tax payers. Add to that the flight home will be in a specially chartered plane paid for by - you guessed it - Aussie tax payers. What a crock. I think I speak for everyone but his family when I say we don't want him back! If the guy hated Australia and Jews and buildings so much back then, imagine what effect five years of solitary confinement and torture have had. There's an easy fix here too - lets send the prick back to Afghanistan to serve out his time in their jails. Problem solved and everyone happy.
Okay enough of that... strap yourselves in whilst I entertain you with tales of my mundane week...
As many of you may recall last weeks update was a touch late due to a power failure here. Turned out that ‘pole top fires' were to blame which [if you don't know] has something to do with dust and electricity and when it rains for the first time in a while. Major, major annoyance and even more so when they cut power again the next day for another six hours. Some good did come of it though - for the first time in over a year I tackled and got through the mountain of random papers and junk mail cluttering up my desk.
Saturday was about as unremarkable as they come. No plans and a solemn commitment to fly under the radar for a while found me walking around the house contemplating what not to do. That didn't last all that long before I decided it would be nice to have food in the house again so off I trundled to do groceries and all that other boring shit one must do to keep ticking along.
What did I do Sunday? The same thing I do just about every Sunday... hit dog beach. I figure it won't be much longer before its too cold to even bother so off we went for a few hours before heading back home to finally give the car a good clean. Took forever too - it was the first chance I'd had to wash my baby since getting back from down south and there was sand and dust and bugs and crap all over inside and out. With that finished we did the only thing worth doing on a Sunday afternoon - went for a cruise along the coast to check out chicks in bikinis. All up a much needed and very relaxing weekend.
Time to get on with the update I think. I felt bad nixing Reader Mail last week so I pulled out all the stops to make this update a good one. Anyway, on with it...
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Mrs. Evans pulled Mrs. Jones out of earshot of the front room, where Mrs. Jones' lovely young daughter, Melanie, sat. "It is really none of my business," whispered Mrs. Evans, "but have you noticed what your daughter is doing?" "Why, no. Is she up to anything special?" Mrs. Evans leaned closer. "Haven't you noticed? She's started knitting tiny garments!" Mrs. Jones' troubled brow cleared. "Well, thank goodness," she said smiling, "at last she's taken an interest in something besides running around with boys."
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I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
For example: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." Then she responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?". Realising that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at her favourite department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit".
We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
ORSM
VIDEO
- CLICK HERE TO SEE THE PENIS GO *IN* TO THE FAGINA! -
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened
the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front
porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on
the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert
died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I
haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just
laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's
when I shot him, the little bastard.
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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.
"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile. "Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
Silence took over... and the masochist says: "Meow."
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READER MAIL
Geez... talk about your Reader Mail. With the little hiatus last update there was an absolute crap load to get through and it wasn't easy trying to whittle everything down to just a select few BUT it must be said there is some seriously cool shit to tickle and tantalise the senses this week. The sad thing is there's still a whole bunch of awesome stuff that you guys simply must see so I promise to pull my finger out and get them up somewhere before the Easter break...
Anyway if you would like to submit something and possibly have it featured on this very page for millions to see then its simple - just email me here!
Henry wrote:
Subject: regarding your "Thai Hookers" on latest update
They're actually from Taiwan. And they are betel nut sellers.
They may or may not be hookers. Stationed in small booths along a road, they sell the betel nuts to customers driving by. Customers may also get a bonus peek or grope when the ladies hand the nuts to them. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: THAI HOOKERS
G'day Orsm,
Been a fan since the beginning and now I have finally found cause to write in. Unfortunately, the pics labeled as THAI HOOKERS are neither Thai nor are they hookers - I know they look like they are but they are not. The girls in question are actually Taiwanese and they sell Betel Nut from those little glass booths by the side of the road to passing motorists. There are rumours that they offer other services and some may in fact do so but I think the majority just sell the betel nut. The reason they dress the way they do is that they are paid on commission and the better looking and more scantily clad they are, the more betel nut they are likely to sell. Those pics you posted have been floating around the net for ages now but I have attached a few that have never been on the net before as I took them myself.
I got an absolute shitload of emails about this. My bad I guess. Cheers to everyone who wrote in! -Orsm
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Harris wrote:
Subject: Randall Munroe's check to Verizon
Hey Mr Orsm, naturally there's a story attached to your Random Shite picture of Randall Munroe's check to Verizon. In trying to search out more information I came across this recording attributed to the Munroe vs Verizon situation. Do any of your readers know more of the story or how it ends - at what point does Verizon admit they screwed up big time. Really enjoy your site and look forward to it on Thursdays. I'm sure your large and varied fan base can help come up with more of an answer to this one. Thanks for the website and all your efforts. |
Dan wrote:
Subject: Bugatti Veyron crash
The true story is here. He was not doing 100mph - look at the damage, that's not 100mph damage.
He was only prosecuted for "driving without due care and attention", not speeding. There are 300 made... well 299 now! The car was being rented (from a dealership), at a cost of (I think) £20,000 a day.
Cheers. |
hasta wrote:
Subject: Brine Shrimp Boat Revisited
Howdy,
you will probably get a lot of these, but . beloved Snopes says that your multi motored boat in your updates 2 weeks ago was actually a drug runner boat.. go figure.. Great site, long time reader..very, very glad you went from a 2 week update to a 1 week. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: number plate image
A number plate to help your children spell. It took me a second look to get the message. It is on the red Nissan Exa chop and change to suit.
Brilliant. -Orsm
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Robert wrote:
Subject: Bugger
Hey Mate. Love the site and love perth where these pics were taken. You can go anywhere in a hire car. It looked dry I swear. Keep up the good work.
I love what you can do with hire cars... -Orsm
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Trent wrote:
Subject: Ice road in Canada
I just got back from driving truck on the winter ice road in the North West Territory in Canada and I thought you might like a picture or two. I'll try and find some of the truck wrecks. |
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Simps wrote:
Subject: must have had a fall out with someone.
This house is in Carlisle, Cumbria, England, they must have had a fall out with someone. Read the name out fast. |
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Jane wrote:
Subject:
the caption for this picture is: A single building is left standing on a mound of earth after its owner refused an offer of compensation from the land developer, who proceeded to dig around it in western China's Chongquing municipality. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: HOW NOT TO DRESS
omfg I can't tell you how many times this outfit on her violates taste. 1- dress is far from slimming. Yellow red colours make one look larger, the pattern doesn't help either. Too busy for a larger person. 2- those bows.. please tell me she got drunk and added them on as a stupid afterthought. If not, then whoever designed the dress needs a long stint in rehab. 3- too low in the neck. It makes her boobs look saggy. 4- patterned stockings. They should have been plain, as the dress is patterned enough. At worst, fishnet. Her legs are too chunky for patterned stockings. 5- OPEN HEELED SHOES WITH PATTERNED STOCKINGS. Fuck me drunk, she should be hung, drawn and quartered for that!!! If she was going to wear open toed shoes, then plain stockings in flesh colour would be good. Black stockings with red shoes... are you fucking kidding me? Black shoes would have been marginally better. God this is an abomination on all levels of taste. Can I kill her now? |
Paul Daniel wrote:
Subject: Friday after the blow
Only in Hedland! Just had a big cyclone ? What do you do ? Clean up - nah! Help a neighbour - nah ! Obtain urgent supplies - yep - off to the Liquor Store.
I don't see what the problem is here...? -Orsm
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Thomas wrote:
Subject: Infinity Tower, Dubai Marina - The things that can go wrong on a building site
The incident happened as the workers were assisting the project owners and the piling contractor with the foundation works on site 20 meters below ground level. The supervision team noticed a slight movement and cracks in the diaphragm wall adjacent to the Dubai Marina and alerted the management who ordered an immediate evacuation of the site. The diaphragm wall collapsed and crumbled within 2 minutes from being noticed as the workers were scrambling over safety ladders up to the ground level. The whole site was totally flooded within 4 minutes. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: ex girlfriend binky
Please include the following pictures in your next update. She decided it was over the day after my parents flew a thousand miles to meet her parents for the first time. What a wasted trip. I'd rather had gone to the beach. |
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<with held> w rote:
Subject: Please do disclose my name or email thank you
A gorgeous indian bird from Fiji at a local resort a couple of years ago. Enjoy... love your site..its the only porn and comedy site I visit online. Keep up the good work mate! |
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Keith wrote:
Subject: Working in Surfers Paradise
Oh to be working in Surfers. These photos were taken on Monday by a bloke working in the Ray White building in Surfers which overlooks the roof of one of the strip clubs. Pity he didn't have a better camera. |
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R.F. wrote:
Subject: pie pics
Hi Orsm, I'm a service rep for a pretty conservative company here in the states.. Understandably, they have no sense of humor when it comes to sending employees out to customers' houses for repair work.. so it was kind of a surprise to have a very respectable housewife suddenly ask if I might like a roll in the hay. After next thing I know, the digital that's supposed to be for documenting before and after work shots documented another sort of 'after'. I tucked the files away on my own computer and left them for a bit. Then just the other day I noticed a mail from one of your readers asking for pie pics.. I can't take a chance emailing some reader.. but here's a handful of pie pics taken that day. |
Slowrider wrote:
Subject: got something for ya
the other weekend the 4&rotor nats were held in christchurch, nz. of course there was plenty of cars but everyone knows what ya go there to see... hope ya can use these in an update. cheers, marc. |
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brent wrote:
Subject: funny video
Hey from across the pond in Virginia (dont hold that against me )I love the site and send all my friends to you,yep all three. Short five second clip of a monster truck in Richmond VA. He was trying to do a wheelie, I guess he got carried away! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Big Bad Draino
This is a Mazda MPS 3 100klms on the clock just running it in to 250kph which is the manufacturers claimed top speed, I had to back of twice for a few bends then just as I hit 250 and go over a crest up comes an unexpected bend. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: vid
Greetings, Meet my soon to be wife. Keep up the good work!
Boobs THAT good and THAT'S all we get? -Orsm
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Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Doreen that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Doreen agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realised he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Doreen's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please, Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I have to get up in the morning! You don't!"
ORSM
VIDEO
An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer. All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice," he says.
The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "Wull mate, in Newzilland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out the same glass either," he says.
The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws His glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi. He turns to the astonished barman and says, "In Strailya mate, we have so many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to call room service to get something to eat.""Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.
Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress." The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!" The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?" "No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!"
Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honour, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex."
My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." And the doctor said, "Look, mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend, so get yourself a dog."
ORSM
VIDEO
I should keep this brief because I'm SURE you guys know the deal by now but in case you don't its where I gleefully announce the end of the update which means I can finally go find some dinner, crank through some of the many emails adorning my inbox and then hurt some sleep at a relatively normal hour... but before I do...
- Check out the site archives. They're better than forced anal. Honestly.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Unless I find something better to do...
- Tell your friends and family to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will call you six times a day for no apparent reason in an elaborate yet deceptive plan to get you to plug his new website: TheBoysNightOut.org
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me without knowing me? Want to fight me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Well go take a shit but first make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't be so angry. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
