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Welcome to Orsmnet. Look, I don't
come down to where you pray and knock the Koran out of your hands...
There seems to have been some
speculation in the last week or two about exactly what I may or
may not have been planning for my traditional
April Fools prank this year. I've had a steady stream of emails
and messages from Orsmnet regulars with everything from "I'm ready
for whatever you try and pull this year" to "a good idea to mess
with people would be...".
So what's it going to be? Well
as there is absolutely no fun in me telling you I am just going
to leave it for you guys to figure out... just don't look too hard
okay?
Now for a recap of the last week
in my life because as well know - that's why you're all here...
right? Thinking about it now, last weekend was pretty much just
three long days of 'finally's' [okay so finally's
isn't a word but this is my site and I can make up waords if I want].
I'll start at Friday because
that is what that will forever be remembered as the day my carport
was finally finished! Yes... you can now look forward to
the cessation of stories about this little venture - almost. There
are still some niggling little bits and pieces remaining but at
least it's now finally functional.
Friday was a crappy, humid, patchy
rain filled shit of a day and like most other Fridays I was stuck
in the car running errands and catching up on things time and the
rest of the week doesn't permit. Around midday I got a phone call
from the concrete guys who were supposed to be coming the following
day but due to them being 'rained-off' another job they were going
to do mine. Sweet. I legged it towards home at light speed to find
them waiting in my driveway and ready to get moving. I spent the
next two or three hours supervising and making sure they did a good
job and by the end of it I finally had a concrete pad to
park my car on!
After that it was time to remove
the dog for the weekend to the parents place so she wouldn't leave
paw prints in the fresh concrete although as I would realise the
following day she did manage to get all four into without me seeing...
little bitch.
This 20 minute round trip wasn't
entirely without drama - for the millionth time my car decided to
develop problems with the cooling system. It didn't stop there though.
As I was heading out that night and didn't need my car I just left
it, went home and jumped on the computer for a while before getting
ready. It was about this time I decided the other PC I use day to
day needed a reboot but as it turned out the computer had other
ideas and sat there idly protesting: 'NTLDR MISSING: REBOOT'. Fucking
greeeeat.
Friday nite was a big boozy one.
We headed to our local to hit the booze and celebrate a friends'
engagement. That was the first big one I have had in far too long
but I definitely paid for it. I woke up around 4am in desperate
need of some bladder relief and water due to having the driest mouth
ever. Back to bed, skulled my water down and was basically stuck
there half awake, half asleep for the next few hours until I could
finally slide out of bed and rehydrate myself again.
Once I finally got going
for the day I decided it was time to fix the car then finally
mow the lawn. The thing about mowing the lawn is when it hasn't
been cut for a couple of months it takes for-fucking-ever to cut
and i ended up with my entire wheelie bin full without even tackling
the front lawn. Guess what I'm doing this weekend?
The rest of the weekend was frustratingly
spent trying to get my computer back up and running. With the way
I have the machine setup and the amount of data stored on it I was
somewhat terrified I was dealing with a hard drive failure but after
almost all of Sunday invested trying one thing after another I finally
got it running again. Relief. As far as I can tell I only lost a
few non-important bits and pieces too so not such a huge drama after
all.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't
wondering what's going to fuck up next. Maybe I'm just overly superstitious
or pessimistic or whatever but I've been waiting for the last few
weeks for something to fuck in a big way and with the considering
how everything has been going lately you can't really blame me!
Okay I think this little addition
is long over due. I get daily emails from people asking where to
find the Chopper vids and it's pushing me closer and closer to insanity!
So... IF
YOU WANT TO SEE ALL THE CHOPPER VIDS CLICK HERE!!
Don't even think about paying for porn on the
net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on
the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn?
Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us
who get
it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and
accept paying for porn the less free
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The
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engines. Surfers should never have to pay for porn ever again if
they use her free
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If you've been reading my site for any period
of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie
Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so...
it's because Newbie
Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today.
Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of
vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love
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it's all free too? Check
it now!
I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked
out Revenge TV
yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard
about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites
to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is
truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of
ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does
that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge
TV is how! Click
here to see what I mean...
Hard
Fucker - Piercing
Pain - Whack-Job
- Rejection
Hurts - Lesbians
- Doggie
Style - Amateur
Sex - Rate
My Pix!
Charlize
Theron Hotness - Street
Banter - Lil
Psycho - Hot
Sauce -
Shannon - PS3
Demo - Cartman
- Cam
Teen
There are two muffins in the oven. One muffin
turns to the other and says, "Hey, is it just me or is it getting
hot in here?" The other muffin turns and says, "OH MY
GOD! A TALKING MUFFIN!"
--
A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman
standing alone. He approached her and asked her name. "My name
is Carmen," she told him. "That's a beautiful name,"
he said. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied.
"I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -
cars and men." "What's your name?" she asked. "Beertits,"
he said.
--
Did you hear about the magician who went into a gay bar and disappeared
with a 'Poof'?
These three guys die in a car wreck, and they
all go to Hell. When they arrive, the Devil asks each of the men
what their sin was. The first guy says "It's gotta be the booze.
I'm always drunk."
The Devil decides to lock him in this room for
100 years with nothing but shelves of every kind of alcohol you
could dream of. The guy's thinking, "Fuck yeah! Look at all
this alcohol!" and runs into the room.
The second guy says, "It's the women. I
could never stay faithful to my wife." The devil opens the
second door and nothing but the finest-looking naked women that
you have ever seen. And he would be the only guy in there for 100
years. He couldn't believe it. His dick was instantly hard and he
went hauling ass into the room and the Devil shut the door.
The third man said "It's gotta be the bud.
I'm always tokin' up." The Devil opens the third door to reveal
nothing but fields of 10-foot tall, icky, sticky, take-a-toke, make-ya-choke,
chronic, green, death bud. The stoner can't believe it. He goes
in and takes a seat Indian style with his back to the door and the
Devil shuts the door behind him.
One hundred years go by and the Devil comes back
to check on the three men. He opens the first door and the man comes
crawling out. He's got an empty bottle in one hand, he's completely
naked, hasn't shaved or showered in years, and is covered in his
own puke, shit and piss. "I'll never drink again!" he
says. The devil tells him that at least he learned something and
decides to give him a second shot at life.
The devil then opens the second door and the
man comes running out even faster than when he went in. "I'm
fucking gay!" he screams. The devil decides that at least he
learned not to cheat on his wife and gives him another chance as
well.
The devil then comes to the third door. He opens
it and nothing has changed. The stoner is still sitting in the same
position that he was 100 years ago. The devil asks him if he learned
anything. The stoner turns around as a tear rolls down his cheek.
"You gotta a light man?"
ORSM
VIDEO
NOT
GETTING ENOUGH OF THE REAL THING? FLESHLIGHT WILL CHANGE THE WAY
YOU GET OFF FOREVER!
A man and a wife had recently dropped their six-year
old girl off at a friend's house for a slumber party. It was the
first time that they had let the girl sleep over at someone's house
so they were very worried about the whole thing. On the way home
they discuss their worries and decide that it will be okay for the
girl since they know she's only a phone call away. Then a semi-truck
runs head-on into their car.
The man awakes hours later to find himself in
a hospital bed. He takes a look around and then calls for a nurse.
The nurse comes into his room and says, "Good you're awake!
I'll get the doctor".
The doctor comes in a few minutes later and talks
to the man about what happened. "Well, Mr. Johnson, you were
in a head-on car collision in which you broke your right fibula
and your right shoulder was dislocated. We have set your shoulder
for you and in a few weeks you should be back on your feet and fine
again".
The man replies, "That's great news doc.
I've never broken a bone before and I was worried about why I couldn't
move my right arm or leg, I thought I had a stroke!" The man
can tell that the doctor is waiting for something and then it hits
him. His wife! The man asks, "Doctor what about my wife? She
was in the car with me, is she alright?"
The doctor's face turns grave. He starts, slowly,
"Well, your wife is in worse shape then you are. She's been
paralysed from the neck down and will probably never walk again.
I wish I didn't have to say this but you will have to change a lot
of the daily things you do to accommodate her back at your household.
It will also take a large monetary commitment to ensure her well-being.
She will have to be fed, walked around, cared for, bathed, and watched
over at most hours of the day. I know this must come as a large
shock for you but I want you to know that if there's anything you
want to ask me while I'm here, please ask away."
The man is silent for minutes. He then replies,
"Well doctor, if that's the way it is, then that's the way
it will have to be. I love my wife very much and I will have to
sacrifice my own comfort to ensure she lives in the best condition
she can. I will do whatever it takes and personally account for
her bathing, feeding, and making sure she stays in the best possible
spirits"
The doctor then says, "I'm just kidding
- she's dead!"
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READER MAIL
You will probably notice a rather
chubby Reader Mail section this week, all owing entirely to the
sheer amount of quality email you guys have been sending
me. The worst part? There was a crap load more quality stuff
that I couldn't squeeze in. I really need to bring back to the Overflow
because I still have it all kicking around and its well worth a
surf.
Anyway if you'd like to submit
your own pictures, videos, jokes, stories or anything else you have
lying around then we'd love to see them! All you must do is click
here and make the magic happen.
Big Daddy C
wrote:
Subject: Cute little dog or piece of shit that I shot out
of my ass?
I was amazed when I looked at what I
had created after I took a shit that i decided to take a
photo of it. this piece of shit resembles a dog and you
are kidding yourself if you say it doesn't. it could even
be a Dalmation if you include the sesame seeds and sweetcorn
lodged within it (The toilet paper underneath is a preventative
measure i take to avoid the usually inevitable "backsplash").
Some of you may think that this was hand crafted in some
way but I assure you this is straight from ass-to-toilet.
Any challengers?
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Brian Costich
wrote:
Subject: Daddy's Gonna Be Mad
Two of the world's rarest exotic cars,
the Lamborghini Murcielago, and the newly introduced Ferrari
Enzo, crashed today in the Park Cities area while street
racing. The Lamborghini Murcielago apparently was driven
by minor Courtney Shannon, daughter of Danny Shannon the
owner of a large exotic cars dealership. The Ferrari Enzo,
the world's rarest car, was driven by Rebecca West who's
father is a prominent attorney. Both girls are age 17.
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John
wrote:
Subject: Pamela David and Mr Smiley
Greetings Mr Orsm, Cool Pamela David
video, always keeps the attention, does anyone know who
sings the background music to the video? I've attached a
couple pics of some poor bastard who died whilst watching
the Benny Hill Show, or perhaps Breakfast with Frost (if
you're a pom) Emailed it via a mate from South Africa. Smile...
you're in South Africa!!
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Stuart
wrote:
Subject: Broken Bridge
This truck was hauling the track hoe
illegally, not permitted. The bucket hit the bridge causing
the boom to swing up and cut through the deck above. Bet
he shit himself pretty good!
Ooops... -Orsm
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<with held>
wrote:
Subject: the riddle
dude, I was in Norway and me and 2 other
mates all thought this chick was hot. no really. like 8
out of 10 hot. I got with this.... this.... beast. this
abomination. Once the nightmare was over my mate produced
photos. i deleted what i could but alas her hideousness
was too magnificent to be deleted from the anals of history.
Presenting............. a woman so ugly...so hideous...
so indescribably bestial and repugnant that words simply
fail me and only a picture can do it justice. definately
definately do not print my name or email.
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<with held>
wrote:
Subject: Ex GF
Hey Mr. Orsm... great site bla bla bla.
here are some pics of the ex from a friend from holland.
he didn t knew she was such a freak and we believe she was
doing that shit even when she was dating my mate. anyway
somehow he got these pics and sent them to her parents,
co-workers and more or less everyone she and we know. so
just enjoy, and please don t put my name nor e-mail. keep
up the good work.
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Chad
wrote:
Subject: MY EX
My ex told a friend of mine that i didnt
have the gts to pt her pucs on the internet so here they are.
Tell her she was wrong. -Orsm |
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<with held>
wrote:
Subject: Some pictures of the Clipsal 500
Hi Mr ORSM. Just some pictures from this
weekends Clipsal 500 race in Adelaide that you might like
to show the world.
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the australian
prime minister wrote:
Subject: Clipsal 500
Hi. took about 150 photos today like
this [at the Clipsal 500]. (the real interesting part of
the race)
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Alex
wrote:
Subject: Innisfail Disaster
Mr. Orsm. your site rocks man keep it
up..i made a powerpoint show of a few clips i captured from
TV hope the world appreciate it cheers
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Purky wrote:
Subject: Cyclone Larry - Innisfail Photos
Here
are some pics of the poor buggers up in north QLD. Take Care. |
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Nothing 2 Wait
4 wrote:
Subject: Arab Nights
Dear orsm ... This is a sample video of
arab nights ...
I have absolutely no idea what Arabian Nights is all about
but I would definitely like to try some... -Orsm |
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a fan
wrote:
Subject: video showing an idiot ;-), for your site.
hi orsm, or whatever, gratz for your
site, peeping around in here every day. heres a video showing
maybe the biggest fag in the world talking about gta:san
andreas for ps2 (expert tips) , i laughed my ass off. maybe
you can use it.
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Shane McKenzie
wrote:
Subject: F1 footage
Hi Orsm, Been a fan for many years (about
4 or 5 now I think), referred your site to planty of friends
over the years, and have to say that the F1 footage was
pretty damn ORSM, I also have some footage of the same car
at the opening ceremony of the Torino Olympics. My footage
was filmed from about 10 meters away, I was sitting in the
second row from the stage. I was one of the athletes in
the opening march and we scored the best seat in the house.
See it all on my website, shanemckenzie.com
I also got some amazing pics of the torch being lit and
some other cool things too, feel free to have a look and
share if you feel fit.
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<with held>
wrote:
Subject: homemade bombs video
My brother and I filled empty co2 cartridges
from a pellet gun with gunpowder and blew some shit up with
them. The first thing is a coffee can filled with water,
the next is a metal garbage can filled with water and the
last one is taped onto a 20 oz. bottle of gas. Keep the
stream of cool shit coming, great site.
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A trucker picks up a hitchhiker
who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard.
After a few miles, he asks the driver what the monkey is for.
The driver says "I'll show you," and
with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending
the poor creature rolling across the dash.
The monkey goes down between the drivers legs,
unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker
oral gratification.
When finished, the monkey pulls out a tissue,
cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on
the dashboard.
"See that?" said the trucker. The man
said, "Yeah." The trucker ask the man, "You want
to try it?" The man said, "OK, but don't hit me as hard
as you hit that monkey!"
Two women were playing golf. One
teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward
a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the
men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell
to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately
began to apologise.
Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist
and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she
told him "Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few
minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in
the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed
her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the
side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered
tender and artful massage for several long moments asked,
"How does that feel?" He replied, "It
feels great, but my thumb still hurts!"
ORSM
VIDEO
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen
land on Mars after accumulating Enough Frequent Flier miles. They
meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, If they have laptop computers,
how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do It?" asks Maureen. The Martian
responds, "Pretty much the way you do." A discussion ensues!
Finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience
one another.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom
where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about
half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work,"
says Maureen. "Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to
reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to
slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead,
his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite
impressive, but it is still narrow." "No problem,"
he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his Member
grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely
exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell
into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their other partners
and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, "Well,
was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen,
"but it was wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible,"
he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my
forehead and pulling my ears.
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36 RULES FOR BANDS
1. Never start a trio with a
married couple.
2. Your manager's not helping you. Fire him/her.
3. Before you sign a record deal, look up the word "recoupable"
in the dictionary.
4. No one cares who you've opened for...
5. A string section does not make your songs sound any more "important".
6. If your band has gone through more than 4 bass players, it's
time to break up.
7. When you talk on stage you are never funny.
8. If you sound like another band, don't act like you're unfamiliar
with their music ("Oh does Rage Against The Machine also do
rap-rock with political lyrics?")
9. Asking a crowd how they're doing is just amplified small talk.
Don't do it.
10. Don't say your video's being played if it's only on public access.
11. When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best
contract ever. Mention "artistic freedom" and "a
guaranteed 3 record deal".
12. When you get dropped insist that it was the worst contract ever
and you asked to be let go.
13.Never name a song after your band.
14. Never name your band after a song.
15. When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to perform one
of them, begin looking for a new drummer IMMEDIATELY!
16. Never enter a "battle of the bands" contest. If you
do you're already a loser.
17. Learn to recognize scary word pairings: "rock opera",
"white rapper", "blues jam", "swing band",
"open mike", etc.
18. Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear gloves,
but not both.
19. It's not a "showcase". It's a gig that doesn't pay.
20. No one cares that you have a website.
21. Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet.
22. Don't hire a publicist.
23. Playing in St. Cloud and Mankato doesn't mean you're on tour.
24. Don't join a cover band that plays Bush songs. In fact, don't
join a cover band.
25. Although they come in different styles and colors, electric
guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing them between
songs?
26. Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. That's
what girlfriends/boyfriends are for.
27. If you use a smoke machine your music sucks.
28. We can tell the difference between a professionally produced
album cover and one you made with the iMac your mom got for Christmas.
29. Remember, if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16
year olds play them?
30. If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it. You may never
know where or when it will turn up.
31. Cut your hair, but do not shave your head.
32. Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow.
33. Do not wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat.
34. Rock oxymoron's; "major label interest", "demo
deal"," blues genius", "$500 guarantee",
and "Fastball's second hit".
35. 3 things that are never coming back: a) gongs, b) headbands,
and c) playing slide guitar with a beer bottle.
36. No one believes it when you say that this is the best audience
out of any town/city/country you've played for.
ORSM
VIDEO
You know what? I think
that pretty much about does it for this week. As always I hope you've
enjoyed surfing this bad boy as much as I have sticking it all together.
As for my next update - make sure you check back next Thursday for
a whole new one that I'm sure in one way or another will knock
your socks off! In the mean time feel free to tell the world
about O-R-S-M-DOT-NET!!
Until next time be good, stay
off the chem's and watch out for April Fools! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
