|
Orsm.net... dirtier than John
Hopoate's finger...
How exciting. The first update
with my brand new computer however I must confess I've been overdoing
it a bit. In the last week I've probably spent more time staring
blankly into my monitor than Jesus did healing people but such is
the sacrifice of a new toy.
My biggest downfall is being
a [wannabe] perfectionist. Every single little thing must be installed,
setup and working exactly how I like before I will use it. Yes I
annoy myself.
Unfortunately the initial setup
wasn't without some gremlins. We set aside pretty much all of Friday
to get it done. I spent the morning running around getting the last
parts I needed and came back to my place to begin.
Assembly only took a few hours
but whilst everything was all over the place [and for the record
mostly still is] I decided to pull apart my other computers, de-dust
them and clean up the shit load of cables behind my desk. Anyway,
much to my surprise when we fired her up for the first time everything
worked a charm although the excitement was short lived. The driver
disc supplied by Asus was [a] defective [piece of shit] which cost
us several hours trying to get around. We were both stuffed by that
stage so ended up calling it a night around 11pm to resume the next
day.
Thankfully Saturday is when it
all came together. We found the drivers we needed online and had
it running in no time. Sweet. The rest of the weekend was consumed
with installing the plethora of programs I use day to day. By far
the most frustrating thing isn't installing them, it's going through
each one and trying to remember how I had them configured on my
other system. It drives me fucking crazy and takes forever.
At the moment its up and running
almost how it should be and is a billion times better than my old
machine. The trick is to enjoy it while it lasts because you can
guarantee that in a year or so I'll be sick of it and looking for
shit to upgrade...
On to this weekend and I've got
to admit I'm hanging out for it in a big way. In an ideal world
I would spend the four days committed to doing as little as possible
with the aim of achieving a true vegetative state and becoming one
with the couch. Sleeping in, watching DVD's and revelling in cold
air conditioned comfort would be top priority just the way God intended.
In reality there's no chance it will pan out like that but it doesn't
hurt to dream...
Tomorrow is going to be a day
chock full of washing my car, gardening and getting the house in
order for an inspection with the new owners next week. Which reminds
me... I hope this guy is as laid back as our current landlord. This
April marks three years that I've lived here and I doubt we've seen
him more than half a dozen times. No rent inspections, no hassles,
nothing. It's as if he didn't exist and the only time we had any
contact is when someone had forgotten to pay their rent or something
needed fixing. Good deal and the last thing I can be bothered with
is a nosey landlord.
At this stage Saturday is all
quiet but Sunday should be good. We're doing the family Easter breakfast
thing. In other words, bacon, egg's and hot cross buns. As is the
norm, there's a friends birthday the same day and I'm hoping to
take the opportunity to drink, get drunk and possibly embarrass
myself somehow.
The only other thing that I want
to do is take a drive out to the hills and see the Mundaring
Weir Dam. Why? I have absolutely no fucking idea is why. I haven't
bee there for years and was just one of those random idea's I got
stuck in my head a few weeks back and have been wanting to satisfy
ever since. You wait... it'll be an hour drive there, get out of
the car, have a cigarette, get back in the car and come home. I
have issues...
Anyway enough senseless dribbling
about nothing and let's get moving with this update shall we? Before
you go too far check out the Chicks & Stuff
section! Updated pages start here.
If you've been reading my site for any period
of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie
Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so...
it's because Newbie
Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today.
Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of
vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love
to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention
it's all free too? Check
it now!
Ever wanted to flirt with porn stars? How about
witnessing exclusive live cam shows with Jenna Jameson, Ron Jeremy
and many other superstars? Try Flirt
4 Free: the ultimate live cam site.
I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked
out Revenge TV
yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard
about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites
to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is
truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of
ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does
that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge
TV is how! Click
here to see what I mean...
Orsm
Fan Sign - Amazing
Landing - Rubber
Man -
Teen Barbie Gets Naked - Dancing
Webcam Slut
Girlfriend
Caught On Cam - Stripping
Blonde - Random Blah
- True Babes
- Smack
Fest!
A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first
football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh,
I really liked it," she replied. "Especially the tight
pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why
they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her
date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, I saw them
flip a coin and one team got it, and then for the rest of the game,
all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!
Hel-LLLO! It's only 25 cents!"
--
A husband suspects his wife is having an affair. He needs to go
on a business trip for several days, so he decides to set a trap
for her. He puts a bowl of milk under the bed. From the bed springs,
he suspends a spoon. He has it calibrated so that her weight on
the bed will not drop the spoon into the milk. But, if there's any
more weight than that, the spoon will drop into the milk and he
will detect it upon his return home. He comes home several days
later. The first thing he does is reach under the bed and retrieve
the bowl... which is now full of butter...
 |
|
Indeed, an award should go to the Virgin Airlines
gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny,
while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably
deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled
after Virgin's 737's had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant
was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly
an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.
He slapped his ticket down on the counter and
said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try
to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure
we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed.
He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO
YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and
grabbed her public address microphone: “May I have your attention
please, may I have your attention please," she began, her voice
heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger
here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help
him find his identity, please come to Gate 14.
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically,
the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said,
"Fuck You!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm
sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
ORSM
VIDEO
This week's featured vid is an instant
classic and goes a long way to proving no matter how good
you think you are, you're probably wrong. This poor fool is
giving a lecture on gun safety. He spends plenty of time self-promoting
and ensuring that the attendees think he's a bad ass. What
should happen next? The inevitable of course! Check it...
- Gun
Saftey Lecturer: Professional Idiot - |
 |
One morning, Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were
having brunch at a restaurant. The attractive waitress asks VP Cheney
what he would like, and he replies, "I'll have a bowl of oatmeal
and some fruit."
And what may I get for you, sir?" she asks
George W. He replies, "How about a quickie?" "Why,
Mr. President," the waitress says, "how rude. You're starting
to act like former President Clinton!!"
As the waitress storms away, VP Cheney leans
over to President Bush and whispers, "It's pronounced 'quiche'."
Have you heard about the web's first and only
absolutely free adult super-site called MyFreePaySite.com?
They are absolutely ridiculous! They have more content than almost
every expensive paysite on the web including thousands of streaming
DVD-quality movies, exclusive live webcam shows with sound and chat,
as well as tons of photos, games, and erotic stories for your enjoyment.
They even offer full color celebrity tapes in various movie formats
for convenient download. The site is incredible for both broadband
and modem users, with optimized content for everyone! And best of
all, it's 100% free, all you need is an email address to join, and
they even accept free Hotmail and Yahoo accounts! Check
it out now!
READER MAIL
I've had some kick-ass email come my way
lately and as you read on you will see what I'm on about. Guys please
keep it coming! If you've want to have your say, got some funny
pics, a vid or jokes to send then you may do so by contacting me
here.
Jim W
wrote:
Subject: Lucy Lui vid
Mr Orsm, I hate to tell you this, but
that cannot be Lucy
Lui in that vid, unless she had a porn career in the
1980's. The dude the chick was blowing is Paul Thomas, a
rather busy adult film actor and producer from the 70's
and 80's (I think he was even in the original Behind the
Green Door with Marilyn Chambers). He did a lot of "shot
on 35mm film" features in the mid-1980's and this looks
like one of them. I'm not sure who the girl is, but I'm
sure I've seen her before. Her name was a pun on her ethnicity
-- China Lee, maybe? BTW, this weeks Random Shite section
is one of the funniest ever.
|
Bill Sellers
wrote:
Subject: Lucy Liu movie... it's a FAKE
Well Mr. Orsm, I think you're a bit off
on this one.... I believe what you have is Mai Lin giving
Paul Thomas a thorough knob polishing, NOT Lucy
Liu. It looks like it is footage from an old "Swedish
Erotica" movie featuring those two actors... Mai Lin,
btw was "discovered" in S.F. while operating a
tropical fish store. Her long fingernails, a trademark
of hers, gives her away on this one!
|
Jeremy
wrote:
Subject: The German bitch photos
Hey
Orsm. Luv the German bitch photos.... What a tramp. Did you
notice, pictures 2 and 11, you can see the tampax string. |
chris &
jannes wrote:
Subject: ORSM ONE
i love orsm.net. perhaps for your update.
Absolutely fucking awesome! This
made my day! -Orsm
|
 |
Clayton
wrote:
Subject: hey there
hey orsm, just wanted to let you know
that your site is awesome, i look forward to your updates
every week, so here is a little something i hope you can
put on your next one.
This just kind of freaked me out.
See if you can work out why! -Orsm
|
 |
Pricey
wrote:
Subject: Skippy the bush Kangaroo
Hey Orsm, Thought you could use these
pics of our great aussie animals having dinner. For all
those potential tourists this only happens to backpackers
& japanese and american tourists that camp in the bush
on days ending with "Y". enjoy. Snake 1 Roo 0
|
 |
Stanley Wall
wrote:
Subject: Clipsal 500 Adelaide V8 Supercar Babes
Orsm!, I have been fan of your site for
a number of years now too many that I have lost track. Back
when you first featured Holly out and about in Scarbs. Also
I know you have a big fan base at Murdoch University Engineering
at Rockingham (Say hi to the boys Sir Orsm.) However now
I have been relocated to S.A. and I was privileged to get
to go to the Clipsal 500 in a corporate box.
|
 |
Mark
wrote:
Subject: Another unseen countdown
Hi Orsm, Just seen the picture sent to
you of the lovely carol vorderman from countdown in england.
I think this is a better one. Thanks Mark from Lincoln,
England
|
 |
C Stevenson
wrote:
Subject: A couple of funny flashes...
Here are a couple of flash things i made
out of boredom. Keep up the good work have been a loooong
time viewer! The first one was the initial trial (it's me),
the cat is pretty funny. The second one is a little better
with the music choices. The graphics are quick and dirty
just because i wanted to get the coding tight and was in
a hurry. Take care!
|
 |
 |
LAKIS
wrote:
Subject: ...too freek!...:-)
...just be natural, in every moments of
your life, no matter as you can go down! P.S:....thank you
very much to ORSM, its the best strange site on the internet!!!!!!
..greetings from Italy!!!!!!!
Where does the line between nudist
and exhibitionist start and end? -Orsm |
 |
 |
 |
Trev
wrote:
Subject: readers mail (a challenge)
Hi Orsm. I scanned a scorpion on both
sides & saved the images. My challenge is to see if
your readers can continue scanning bugs & insects. It'll
be interesting to see what they can come up with, I'm guessing
getting a frog on both sides might be interesting &
messy
|
 |
 |
<with held>
wrote:
Subject: Big ol' titties
These pics are from Comstock Rock 2004
in Nebraska. This big-titted bitch loved to show 'em. The
guy in the second pic is my best friend. Just to illustrate
how big this chick really is, my buddy plays offensive line
in college and he's not a small guy! Hope you can post this!
Love the site!
|
 |
 |
mark
wrote:
Subject: world funniest comedian
this was out-selling the entire top 20
singles last week put together. his name is peter kay and
the song is an oldie by tony christie he's the uk's top
comedian at the moment and it was all done for charity
I have no idea who any of those
people are but it does have a certain catchyness about it.
-Orsm
|
 |
Robert Jordan
wrote:
Subject: Surely you will like this...
A while back I sent you a mix I made
of Foo Fighters and Glenn Frey, "Times like heat"
I made a parody of the Bee Gee's How Deep is your ... (well,
you'll see)... check it out :)
|
 |
Toby
wrote:
Subject: hey ORSM got some cool vid for you
Whats up ORSM!!!!!!! I was in Geelong
Vic last week and was lucky enough to see the Australian
offshore power boats these things are truly ORSM like your
site I have attached a vid of one of the boats doing a filp
ORSM stuff you might want to edit it a little
|
 |
<with held>
wrote:
Subject: Mini Racing
After looking at your web site for while
I have noticed you like classic mini's. Heres a vid of my
wife narrowly loosing to a V8 Camero at the motorplex. The
mini has been bored to 1330cc and has a road race cam and
45mm twin choke webber. Ran low 17s the night this vid was
taken but had crappy Hitachi Carbs the wrong size so was
not running well. We are hoping to run 16s now we have the
webber fitted. I will be racing it again on the Fast friday
coming up on the 11th.
|
 |
Cobus Kriel
wrote: Thought you might like this: South African Baseball!!!
Subject: Thought you might like this: South
African Baseball!!! Here are some clips on how to play some
Bushy Baseball
South African's... enough said... -Orsm |
 |
Ali + Clay
wrote:
Subject: Benny Hill Burnout
Dear Orsm, My mates and I made this little
burnout video, its shot to the music of benny hill, if you
wanna show everyone that would be orsm. (Just can you re
host it or my webspace willl crash). Cheers.
Boys and their toys... -Orsm
|
 |
S & J
wrote:
Subject: orsm fan
Hey Orsm, My boyfriend and I are big
fans of the site and I thought I would send you some pics
of myself. Let me know if you enjoy them. Thanks!
|
A grade school teacher in Tennessee asked her
students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up
her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we
all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That
was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family
went to see Rock City and I was fascinated." The teacher said,
"Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word
"fascinate."
Little Donald raised his hand. The teacher hesitated
because she had been burned by Little Donald before. She finally
decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate",
so she called on him. Donald said, "My aunt ANGIE has a sweater
with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge
of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the
whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think
with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE One evening last week, my girlfriend
and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up,
and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want
you to hold me." I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on
the planet dreads to hear, "You're just not in touch with my
emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical
needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying,
"Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for
you in the bedroom?" Realising that nothing was going to happen
that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off
of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and
then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked
around with her while she tried on several different very expensive
outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll
just buy them all
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes,
so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewellery
department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let
me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one
wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to
play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's
fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from
all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally
said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could barely keep a straight face when I murmured to her: "No
honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw
dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!"
I then said, "Really honey! I just want
you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with
my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping
needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me
for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either...
ORSM
VIDEO
An out of work actor gets a call
from his agent one day. "I've got you a job" says his
agent. "That's great" says the actor, what is it?"
"Well" says his agent "it's a one-liner" "That's
okay" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so
long I'll take anything; What's the line?" "Hark I hear
the cannons roar" says the agent. "Hark I hear the cannons
roar?" the actor questions. "Yes, hark I hear the cannons
roar" confirms the agent. "I love it" says the actor
"When's the audition?" "Wednesday" says the
agent.
Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the
audition. He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark I hear the
cannons roar". "Brilliant" says the director, "you've
got the job, be here 9 o'clock Saturday evening".
The actor is so ecstatic he got
the job that he leaves and heads straight to his favourite bar and
goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening, after
his bender, and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line;
"Hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar,
hark I hear the cannons roar".
He arrives at the stage entrance,
out of breath and is stopped by the bouncer. "Who the hell
are you?" asks the bouncer. "I'm 'hark I hear the cannons
roar'" "You're 'hark I hear the cannons roar'""
"Yes, I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'" "you're
late, get up to makeup straight away."
So he runs up to make up continually
repeating his line; "Hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear
the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar".
"Who the hell are you"
asks the makeup girl. "I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"
"You're 'hark I hear the cannons roar'?" "Yes, I'm
'hark I hear the cannons roar'" "You're late, sit down
here" and she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down
to the stage, you're about to go on"
So he dashes down to the stage
continually repeating his line; "Hark I hear the cannons roar,
hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar".
"Who the hell are you"
asks the stage manager. "I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"
"You're 'hark I hear the cannons roar'?" "Yes, I'm
'hark I hear the cannons roar'" "Get on there, the curtains
about to go up!"
So he tears onto the stage.
The curtains rise, the house is full. Suddenly from behind him comes
an enormously loud blast. BANG! The actor shouts "HOLY CRAP
WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!!!!!"
RANDOM SHITE
In the spirit of Easter I've decided that
this weeks Shite shall contain no gore and no gay. Why? Because
I can. On the other hand I'm completely full of shit and you
guy's are in for a wild ride. Check it...
RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS |
 |
GOOD:
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't
getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 10-year old boy
was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR
TRAP AHEAD." The officer then found a young accomplice down
the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full
of change.
BETTER:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the
police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another
mailed photo of handcuffs.
BEST:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer
walked to her car window and flipped open his ticket book, she said,
"I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's
Ball." He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realised
what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle
and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several
minutes.
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch,
doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do." The first old lady
asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies,
"I suck a lifesaver." After a few moments, the first old
lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining
room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being
a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed" she replied. "Well, strip down to your
waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples,
then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a
detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said,
"No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad
I came."
ORSM
VIDEO
This vid will give you a good Easter smile.
It comes to you guy's from my friends at AdultShop.com.
If you have never taken the time to check out their site then
I can highly recommend it but be careful though... like a
black hole you will get sucked into it and get stuck there
checking
out their stuff...
- Happy
Easter! - |
 |
Well guys that's all from me for this week. I’m
tired and have had enough for this week so I'm out of here. Until
next week, be good, stay off the chem's and have a safe and Happy
Easter. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
|
