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Welcome to Orsm.net. I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.
Howdy dudes. How goes it? Myself... pretty good. It's been one of those extremely social weeks so the monotony of staring blankly into my monitor for hours on end hasn't been as brutal as usual thus the good mood. That said, it is fucking cold. Apparently Jesus had planned to return but got cold feet. Today is the first day since last winter that I've actually had to put a jumper on although I'm still in shorts so not all bad. I guess with July around the corner the worst is yet to come but rest assured with only four or five months until summer hits it won't be too long before a certain someone [me] starts complaining about how bloody hot it is...
FaceBook retards. They're everywhere! I should just delete them from my friends list but it's become too much like a car accident - I just can't look away! I'm talking about are people who update their status "Retard is doing whatever right now" with the exact same message every few hours just so they can stay at the top of everyone else's status updates list. Honestly how dull and devoid of excitement must one's life be that they set out each day to do that? Get a hobby for Christ's sake!
These are usually the same people that go through and comment on every single photo in all their friends profiles so you end up with a newsfeed full of "Retard commented on another retards photo" followed by 'great pic!' or 'omg how drunk were you?' usually for people you've never heard of. I tell you it was a happy day when I figured out how to block 'friends' from appearing in my newsfeed.
That reminds me. Some of you guys asked how come my Orsm FaceBook profile disappeared and it's because they deleted me. Think it was "FaceBook does not allow users to register with fake names..." Not that 'Orsm' is a fake name per se but I can only surmise they were jealous of how many friends I had...
Moving on. Had but one task to achieve on Saturday... clean the car. My poor baby was covered top to tail in dust, dirt and mud courtesy of my driving holiday. If you read my blog regularly you'll know how pedantic I am about keeping my car spotless and having to stare at it like that is tantamount to how I imagine adult circumcision would feel. I even contemplated getting it professionally detailed but we're talking $200 for something I can do myself. I think not.
Anyway the big clean started with a trip to the carwash to high pressure hose. Wheel arch's, wheels, under-carriage - the lot. From there it was home to sponge wash which failed to achieve the desired result. There was still a murky white film over the whole body so wash and dry -again- but same deal - white film. Out comes the detailing spray wax shiny stuff... spray it on... buff in with one cloth, buff out with another. Every nook and cranny, join, crevice, door jamb... vacuumed and detailed the interior, windows... everything. Six fucking hours later I was tired and sore but car was back to gleaming brilliance. And then Tuesday it rained and messed it alllll up...
Okay better cut the blog thing short get on with the update. I've tried my hardest to give you guys maximum quality content this week so if you don't like it and complain then expect a visit from my friend Ray. He'll set your shit straight believe me. Seriously though - this update is so good that the local council has offered to erect a monument honouring it. True story honest I swear. Anyway check it...
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Bruce walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache." His wife is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot." Bruce says: "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you.
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80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
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Believe it or not but south Africa has a good chance of winning the 2010 soccer world cup - they have an outstanding record of beating foreigners on home soil.
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After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk, he turns to the lady sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?" The lady replies, "I am 70kg, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My girlfriend is 60kg, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 65kg, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?" The man thinks for a while and replies, "Not if I have to explain it three times."
| TORY LANE |
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After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her- "Hello" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you".
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her. "Which word?", the woman asked. "Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you", the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died", her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I travelled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word", the woman told him. "Which word?", her husband asked. "Czechoslovakia."
ORSM
VIDEO
- CLICK HERE TO SEE A TASTY BRUNETTE BABE GET FUCKED ULTRA HARD! -
A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."
The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: we just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today." The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer.
He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job." The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole."
Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green. The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance.
As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right." The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left". Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice.
But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.
Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week."
A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."
The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints." Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible" The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fare way."
The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?" The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other is running for the Presidency of the United States."
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READER MAIL
Reader Mail is back with a bang... a big one. To put it bluntly, there's been an absolute shitload of mail to get through from the last couple of weeks and the result is a totally sick RM.
If you've got something cool to submit then now is the time to do it! You're fellow Orsm'ers and I are keen as fucking mustard on pics of your nasty Ex, car stuff, jokes, messed up vids - pretty much anything you can slap into an email and send my way. All you must do is click here to make it happen.
< with held> wrote:
Subject: The Bricklayers Accident Report
Hi Mr ORSM. Greetings from England!
Great site, makes Thursday the Day of the Week! Thank you!! Thought you might be interested to know the origin of the Bricklayers Accident Report in last weeks update. This is a well known song performed regularly by the Irish folk band The Dubliners under the title 'The Sick Note' and can be heard here. The song was written & first performed in 1969 by Pat Cooksey in Coventry England. The story has it's origins in 1920's English music hall and first appeared in the Readers Digest as a short story in 1937. Maybe not as good as porn but hey, culture can be good too! |
justin k wrote:
Subject: Joke Response
Regarding the following joke, posted june 12: Memphis, TN is a city on the bluffs of the Mississippi River, just east of Arkansas and north of Mississippi. Local African American leaders, in opposition to pending white flight and possible erosion of a viable tax base, boycotted all Caucasian owned businesses in the Shelby County area this weekend as a demonstration of their economic impact on the community. The boycott was declared a success in the African American community, noting that revenue in Caucasian owned businesses was down 19%. Caucasian business owners declared the boycott a success as well, pointing out that shoplifting was reduced by 77% and hold-ups were down about 60%.
You may not be aware of this, I really don't know how much press it got outside of the US, but in 2007, (or was it '06?) based on the movie "A Day Without A Mexican", legal mexican immigrants, and illegal mexican aliens in Los Angeles, staged a walkout on society. They didn't show up to work, mexican-owned businesses didn't open, they didn't go to school, etc. Nothing. The idea was to show how valuable mexicans are to Los Angeles infrastructure, how us whiteys couldn't get along without them. I asked several people what they thought of that day, and they ALL said the same thing: "Damn, man, traffic was GREAT that day!" |
Jonathan wrote:
Subject: Creepy Dutch Guy
Mr. Orsm- What the fuck is this?!? You can't post this fucking horrid material without some sort of back story!!! Is this a fucking gag?! It's got to be with all of the audience members remaining complicit while this piece of shit has his way with a child ON STAGE! Holy Fuck! Please tell me you have some sort of explanation, as if there were an acceptable one, for this disgusting behavior.
It's all a joke... parody... piss take... whatever you want to call it. His name is Paul de Leeuw. -Orsm
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Roy wrote:
Subject: Fucker
Checking your website made me angry again this time.
A video of a "creepy dutch guy" is a video of a long time ago. I am not saying that the video is a "normal" video...but he is NOT a pedofile, he has 2 kids of his own...
So STOP talking about him being a pedofile! And those people who don't believe me...I only have 1 thing to say to them:
FUCK OFF! EAT SHIT! GO BOIL AN EGG! and so on...
For the record I never called him a paedophile... just 'creepy'. -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Who says Cycling's not a Contact Sport???
Hey Mr. Orsm! Thanx for the Brilliant Site!! Love your work man!!! Attached is a pic that was doing the rounds... Use it, don't use it... Please keep my details private! Cheers |
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Greg wrote:
Subject: Hey now
Hello and good day, figured I'd send you a pic of a llama that I took here not to long ago, keep up the good work eh
Awww. I can feel the llama love! -Orsm
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VE3WNO wrote:
Subject: Micky D's sign in Port Arthur. Only in Thunder Bay....
This sign was up on the weekend on Red River Road. It was there from Saturday morning til afternoon Sunday until someone told the management. I assume they changed it after that. Thought you might get a kick out of it. By the way, there were no long line-ups checking out the new menu!! Cheers!
I had one. Tasted like shit. -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: 21st birthday!
So I'm a long time visitor from the states but have never had anything interesting enough to send. Luckily, I just had my 21st birthday party. Its amazing what you can get people to do just because its your birthday. Don't show my info please and thanks! |
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Jason wrote:
Subject: No Class WOW!!!!!!!!!!
Some people have no class. Look at his tie, it is so yesterday.
OMGz! Is he for real? -Orsm
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Michael wrote:
Subject: Aren't you glad you only had one?!
Hi ORSM, Its more a chick thing - but still amazes me. But it scared the shit out of my wife!! Cheers.
Whoa... -Orsm
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DANIEL wrote:
Subject: Reader mail. Stupid Indians.
I saw this in the window of a local Indian restaurant. Its been there for the last 6 months. |
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Bill wrote:
Subject: crane fell car
Brand new Bentley destroyed by crane. 200k. car, buh-bye. At least the crane missed a 1995 Honda !
It'll buff right out. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Data Backup HO
Seeing as they FIRED ME... I just have to share these Data Backup Pic's with ORSM. This is the 1st of several SLUT's (this particular one gave my Manager a serious reaming for loosing here data that I managed to recover). So here is the Bitch (NO DETAILS PLEASE). |
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Dubs wrote:
Subject: Dusty....
All reports are consistent, she runs up to randoms, hands them a camera and insists they take photos with "Dusty Gates"....
Anyone outside Perth would have no idea who she is but let me just say... LOOK AT THOSE LEGS! -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: exs
Two skanky exs. Big tits on the darker one though and a tight pussy. keep my info confidential.. Thanks. Love the site
DUDE!? You broke up with THAT!?!???!!!?!? -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: G'day mate
G'day Mate, first of all what a orsm site, long time reader first time contributing. This dumb bitch i was dating cheated on me and i found these pics on her computer and thought the world should see what a slut she is. Hope to see them online soon and usual thing please hide my details. Keep up the great work |
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Ryan wrote:
Subject: BMW
Thought maybe you would like to put these up. 335i hit a tree racing at 250km. Awesome sight
He won't do that again... -Orsm
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Terry wrote:
Subject: The Late Charleton Heston's Gun Vault
No wonder he was chairman of the National Rifle Association in the USA. I love it, he even has a flame thrower ........anybody else woulda been seen as a crackpot, terrorist, revolutionary, etc,,,,,,,, lucky he played Moses..... |
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Iain wrote:
Subject: KitKat BigKat
Nuff said..... 45000 calories- that should keep you going for a morning. We decided to pimp a KitKat Chunky, although there are 2 others already, we thought we could do better in honour of this fabulous snack! We wanted to go BIG.
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jdonald wrote:
Subject: Wilson Creek Flood
Here are some amazing flood pictures from rural Spring Green, WI...... These are the cows going under the bridge by Ted and Theresa's. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pics of movie set
Hi there. You may have heard that Nicholas Cage is currently filming a movie in and around the Macedon area. It's based on a Steven King novel called "The Knowing". I've grabbed these photos of the house set built for the movie on Mount Macedon. It's only an exterior and just scaffolding inside. The caretaker there told me it took them 7 weeks to build, using all new materials which they then "aged". They built the little red shed as well. All the stone work is just fibreglass. It's built in some rich guy's front lawn and they gave him $100,000 to borrow the space. |
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Karratha Llama Farmer wrote:
Subject: negligence at west oz gas plant
What they haven't been allowed to say on the news. how did the big bang occur? the pipe that feeds west oz burst, due to it corroding down to the thickness of a match stick. Too much pressure, too many idiots, and money money money.could of been prevented!!!! We had 166 people on the island, and lucky enough not 1 was injured.but fark, we ran for our lives, really really really scary. Does not feel good to be back here so soon (5 days later) The place is quiet, no noise, nothing. Just us hitting spanners ect Here are some pix of the area. Bloody tossers, this could of been prevented if they inspected the pipe like they should do. Hope the state of WA sues these seppos (apache is a USA company) ass off. Not sure if I really wanna be here when its up and running, which will be months away, a lot of damage. |
An Irish priest is transferred to Texas. Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?" "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind
as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
ORSM
VIDEO
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"Arr what do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine." Bartender, "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
Pirate, "Arrr well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now." Bartender says, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
Pirate says, "Arr I was in another fight. When I boarded the other ship me hand was cut off in a sword fight. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."
Bartender says, "What about that eye patch?" Pirate says, "Arrr ah, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit right in me eye." "You're kidding," said the bartender, "you lost an eye just from bird shit."?
Pirate says, 'Arrr well no, it was my first day with the hook.
| ASTONISHING SCIENCE FAIR PROJECTS |
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At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
"Do you want to go up or down?" All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat!
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, "Up or down?"
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down?" The woman replied, "Down."
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down?" She replied, "Up."
This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!" She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were... 'fuck or drown'".
A man goes into a store and starts looking around. He sees a washer and dryer but there is no price listed on them. He asks a salesman who says, "Five dollars for both of them." "Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man says. "No, that's the price," the salesman says, "Do you want to buy them or not?" "Yeah, I'll take them," the man says.
The man continues to look around and he sees a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. "How much?" he asks. "Five dollars for the system, including installation" the sales guy says. "Is it stolen?" the guy asks incredulously. "No," says the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?" "Sure," the guy says.
He looks around some more. Next he finds a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?" he asks. "Five dollars," the salesman says. "I'll take that too!" the man says.
As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asks him, "Why are your prices so cheap?" The salesman says, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife, and what he's doing to her... I'm doing to his business!"
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
| NATASHA NICE |
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A young private sought permission from his CO to leave camp the following weekend. "You see," he explained, "my wife's expecting." "Oh," said the Officer, "I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck."
The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation, "My wife's expecting." The Officer looked surprised. "Still expecting?" he said, "Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the weekend off."
When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the Officer lost his temper. "Don't tell me your wife is still expecting!" he bellowed. "Yes, sir!" said the soldier resolutely, "She's still expecting." "What in the Hell is she expecting?" cried the Officer. "ME!" said the soldier.
| THIRD WORLD DENTAL |
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A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out...?" "No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."
ORSM
VIDEO
Okayspeaksoonseeyabye.
- Check out the site archives for advice on how not to be 'that guy'.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Prease Cronsider.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will deliberately kill himself just so he can come back as Ray Krueger and haunt you in your dreams... make you watch him arse-to-mouth your sister... and then your mum... and then your dad.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and LMD. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
