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Welcome to Orsm.net. How do you
like THEM updates?
Another week, another update.
How quickly they seem to come and go. It's been a pretty massive
last seven days around here and if I knew this weekend would be
any quieter I may actually be looking forward to it...
Depending on where you are in
the world you may have heard about the horrific murder of an eight
year old girl here in Perth earlier this week. The story goes that
she had gone to make a quick trip to the toilet. When she didn't
return for fifteen minutes her brother went to check if everything
was okay only to discover a man running from the same toilet. He
gave chase, lost him and returned to find his sister naked and dead.
A fucked up and tragic story.
Not that it wasn't interesting
enough already but some time Wednesday an email began circulating
stating that the murderer was one of the same lowlifes that killed
James
Bulger in London in 1993. One of the boys and his family were
given new identities and relocated from the UK somewhere, sometime
in the last few years which gave the rumour some credibility.
Due to the email spreading like
wildfire across Perth, Australia and apparently the rest of the
world, authorities went into overdrive saying it is definitely not
the same person. They've also apparently compared fingerprints with
the current murderer and the Bulger murderers and apparently there
is no match. Then why do I smell bullshit?
A couple of things still don't
add up. Firstly, there was no major manhunt. The guy escaped the
scene of the crime yet he was in custody in no time. Maybe the cops
knew exactly where to look for someone who'd do this? Secondly,
his name is Dante Arthur's. Apparently one of the boys convicted
in London had a grandfather named Arthur Dante. Coincidence? Thirdly,
apparently the accused murderer is a pom.
The final thing is more of a
conspiracy theory but is it really beyond belief that politicians
and authorities would seek to cover up the fact it's the same guy?
Of course they can't admit it and what would they have to gain by
doing so? Imagine the questions... why was he ever allowed to come
here? Who is responsible? One thing is for sure - if it's ever proven
that the same guy who killed a toddler in London was freed and allowed
to come to Australia only to kill again then I imagine some heads
would roll in a very big way...
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Australia versus Italy... I don't
really want to jump on the 'we were robbed' bandwagon here but all
I know is that awarding a team a penalty that wasn't really a penalty
in a tied match, in the last 10 seconds is pretty fucking dodgy.
It wouldn't be too far from the truth to say that the Socceroo's
were subject to a whole bunch of terrible umpiring in all of their
games and [as someone emailed me earlier] not surprisingly three
of the umpires that officiated Socceroo games were dismissed by
FIFA from the World Cup.
Last weekend was massive. Saturday
started with manic running around trying to get a million bits and
pieces out of the way knowing full well that the rest of the weekend
was going to be a write-off. By 4pm I was dressed and ready for
the night ahead and it wasn't too long after that I had my first
beer down all in the name of a friends' engagement party.
To cut a very, very long story
short I somehow managed almost twelve solid hours of drinking and
by the time I made it home I was so tired I collapsed on my bed
without getting a single drop of water down my throat. Big fucking
mistake.
I woke up on Sunday morning at
around 8am with the worst headache ever, grabbed a rather large
gulp of water and returned back to bed for the next four hours to
feel sorry for myself and begin a three day hangover. And that ladies
and gentlemen was me for the rest of the weekend. Never, never again
I swear... until the next time anyway.
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Just heard an Australian soccer fan was arrested
after the game in Germany, charged with assaulting an Italian Soccer
fan. The Italian fan suffered fractures, bruising, abrasions and
a fractured skull. As a result of these horrendous injuries, the
Italian man has anxiety, depression and has now developed Diabetes.
The Australian was 20 metres away at the time of the attack. The
Italian is expected to make a full recovery in 5 minutes.
--
A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions"
to his first year medical students. Realising that this was not
the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the
mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and
said, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're
having an orgasm?" She replied, "Fishing with his buddies."
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I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend
and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get
married. There was only one little thing bothering me... it was
her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two,
wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would
regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more
than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate.
She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day "little" sister called and
asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was
alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings
and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that
she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and
committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and
couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom,
and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched
her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her
panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for
a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing
outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law
hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed
our little test... we couldn't ask for better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is: always keep condoms
in your car!
ORSM
VIDEO
I GOT MY FLESH LIGHT AND ALL I CAN SAY IS FUCKING FANTASTIC!!
TRUST ME WHEN I SAY IF YOU LIKE YOUR PENIS THEN YOU WILL LOVE FLESH
LIGHT! YOU WILL BE AMAZED!
A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary
wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician
asked the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He
points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already
wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought
her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a
blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank cheque and says, "I
don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit
for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake.
To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue
suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She
says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.
You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you
spend?" To her astonishment, the mortician says "There's
no charge" "No, really, I must compensate you for the
cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says,
"it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your
husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday,
and he was wearing an attractive blue suit I asked his wife if she
minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and
she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. "Then
it was just a matter of switching the heads."
An Italian man was in a bad car accident and
after months of recovery he still had a problem. He had to have
his penis amputated. He went to see the doctor and was reassured
that he could help.
"First of all you have to pick a new penis,"
said the doctor. The physician picked up a box from his table and
said, "This is our 6 inch standard model. It is dependable
and will cost you only $6000. It comes with a lifetime guarantee.
The man said, "Okay, that's about right,
but what's in the other box?" "This is our 9 inch super
model. 9 inches of muscle to please any women. But this will cost
you $9,000!" The man said, "Oh yea, that's the one I want.
My wife will love me forever. But does it also come with a lifetime
guarantee?". "Yes".
"What's in the third box?" The doctor
picked up yet another box from his desk. "This is our super
deluxe model. Its 12 inches of all beef and will drive all the ladies
wild. But if you want this much power you'll have to pay $12,000!"
The man is really on a roll and is tickled pink. "Doc, that's
it, that's the one for me. I'll be the envy of everyone I know.
But does it have a lifetime guarantee?" "YES SIR!"
The man had just one more question: "Does
it come in White?"
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READER MAIL
Mail anyone? I've got tonnes of it.
Actually now that I think of it, it's been a while since you guys
punished my inbox as hard as you did this week. It got to the point
where I just closed Outlook for hours at a time because I got sick
of hearing the new mail alert tone. Very impressive.
Anyway if you would like to contribute
to Reader Mail and possibly have your shenanigans posted on the
main page of Orsm.net for the world to see then high on our want
list are naked pics of your current or ex, videos, jokes, pictures
or absolutely anything you can staple to an email and ram down the
internet... all you must do is click this
magic link and make the magic happen.
PunchRobert.com
wrote:
Subject: Urban Ninja
Hey man, hope you're well. Here's 2 new
vids you might like. One I made last night - scared the
SHIT out of my buddy. The other is the trailer for urban
ninja 2. Hope you like 'em. Your site is the BEST.
Kinetsu Hayabusa is back! -Orsm
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Alex
wrote:
Subject: Gutted
Hi everyone... What Im about to say,
I only say it coz Im passionate about the whole situation...
Im sure most of you are pretty gutted at this mornings loss
to the Italians........ It was made under another contraversal
referee decision. I thought these bloody AFL umpires were
bad, but the refs in the world cup have taken "Bad
Decisions" to another level. I was born in Argentina
and both my parents are Italian, so basically I have Italian
blood running thru my veins. But in saying that, I hope
the Italians get flogged from whichever team comes up against
them in their next match or matches. Italy should not of
gone thru due to the fact that the Aussie outplayed them
in almost every aspect of the game.....This is a referee's
game not "The World Game". Give me AFL footy anyday.....
I dont want to be a part of the World Game if matches are
decided like this and Im sure most Aussies will feel the
same. Italy go F**K yourselves.
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V wrote:
Subject: Breastmilk coffee..
Hiya Orsm, Hate to burst your bubble,
but you've been had. Trust me, to express breastmilk, you
need to depress the areola and nipple to stimulate the milk.
Watching the vid, her hand was squeezing the breast more
than likely to hold open a valve from a tube that was concealed
under her blouse. Note her right hand never left her side
- that's where a pouch containing the milk was probably
concealed! The faces of the customers however, was priceless!
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Tara
wrote:
Subject: Girl with a great ass
Hi. I saw just at a porn convention in
LA and I took some great up close shots of Kinzie Kenner's
ass! Here is the whole
gallery.
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Barnz
wrote:
Subject: Orsm Site!
Hi there! I've been an avid reader for
some time now, and look forward each week for your update.
I don't know how you find the time to put so much together
each week! I happend upon a great picture of Nikki from
the current BB7 here in the UK. It's one of her promo shots
before she entered the house oops!
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M wrote:
Subject: You too can speak Welsh
Orsm, Closet fan here - been a fairly
regular viewer ever since my Aussie trip in 1999 - 2000.
Anyway, did you know that you too can speak Welsh? Just
look at this garage sign in Wales - what services do you
think they offer? Keep it up.
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Cesar Carrera
wrote:
Subject: Porsche GT3 - top speed pic
Hi there, I'm sending you this photo,
it was taken last Saturday on Germany on a no speed limit
highway. It is impossible to drive faster, I swear!!!
Fucking crazy. -Orsm
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Wilton Kerr
wrote:
Subject: Funny pic from Perth
A mate of mine managed to fix this up
with some retro humour. Werd to ya mother.
Turn off the lights and I'll glow.
-Orsm
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Paul Edwards
wrote:
Subject: WC girly
Hello mate, I think she's overrated myself
but hey, here's the pictures from our 'VIP cabin' at the
Brazil v Australia fan fest zone. Cheerio.
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ro dawg
wrote:
Subject: Chicks Dig the Cup Part 1
Hi orsm, Looking at this week's orsm.net
and I saw the World Cup pic contributions sent in and I
couldn't help but send in my own. My friends and I (about
10 of us) correspond via email (gotta love "Reply All")
with our opinions and such through the tournament - discussing
matches and match-ups, etc. One email theme I employ is
"Chicks Dig the Cup" where I send pics of women
from the different countries attending the World Cup. It
has been a hit ever since I started doing this during the
last World Cup in 2002.
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Sabby
wrote:
Subject: Pix of my Thai wife.
Hi Orsm, Great website you got there,
yada, yada, yada. In truth, it's been in my bookmarks for
bloody years - since about the time you started up anyway.
(When was that?) I have referred your site to hundreds of
my mates, and they all visit it. Thought you and your website
visitors might appreciate some pix of my Thai wife. She's
got a lovely body for lovemaking, and has born us a beautiful
daughter. Here we are practising for the next child.
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JERRY G
wrote:
Subject: CHEATIN' EX
HEY, ORSM LOVE YOUR SITE. BEEN CHECKIN'
IT OUT FOR ABOUT FOUR YEARS OR SO. THESE ARE SOME PIC'S
OF MY CHEATING SLUT OF A WIFE THAT I USED TO HAVE. CAUGHT
HER CHEATIN ON ME WITH ANOTHER MARRIED GUY.... GO FIGURE...
POST EM' IF YOU LIKE... PLEASE DON'T USE MY E-MAIL ADDRESS.
KEEP ON ROCKIN'
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WQ wrote:
Subject: rally car takes a swim
Hello, This weekend was the ypres westhoek
rally. One of the drivers had a bit of bad luck and ended
up his car sunk in a dung-pit. Here's the comment and the
video. I'll hope you put it up.
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Louis, Mo USA
wrote:
Subject: may be worthy?
Mr. O: I am a longtime fan and look forward
to Thursdays! Wanted to share the power of technology. Post
it if you think if is worthy. Cool if you credit it to St.
Louis, Mo USA. Please keep the other details confidential.
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Rev Mayers
wrote:
Subject: room clear
Hey Orsm, im back again with more firearm
fun. this clip is my mates and i training. its a "room
clearing" scenario. The objective is the silver target
that falls at the end of the room, the blue object on entry
is a civillian. we simulate civillians due to live ammunition.
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Ken
wrote:
Subject: Brocky the legend
I won a contest to drive around Bathurst
in Brockys A9X Torana thanks to Bowden's own car care who
own the car as well as most of the famous Aussie race cars.
It was the 25th anniversary of Brockys crushing win at Bathurst
1979 . Way back then, it was probably the moment Brocky
became a legend . He won the race by an increasable 6 laps
and when most drivers would be cruising around on the last
lap waving at the crowd Brocky thought Fuck this . He broke
the lap record. Unbelievable ! Hope you enjoy it
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A young couple was making passionate love in
a van which was complete with shag carpets and a double mattress.
Suddenly, the kinky girl yelled out, "Oh, big boy, whip me,
whip me!" The man didn't want to pass up this unique opportunity.
So, in a flash of inspiration, he ran outside and snapped the aerial
from the hood of the van. He then proceeded to whip her until they
both collapsed in sado-masochistic ecstasy.
A week later, the girl noticed that the marks
left by the kinky sex were beginning to fester, so she went to the
doctor. The doctor took one look at her wounds and said, "I
don't suppose you got these marks while having kinky sex."
The embarrassed girl admitted, "Yes, sir,
they are." The doctor nodded and remarked, "I thought
so, because in all my years of doctoring I've never seen such a
bad case of van aerial disease."
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With the plethora of World
Cup related stuff flying around this week I thought it only
fair to fill RS with some of the better ones... and there's
definitely a few of those in there. Check it...
RS
- RS
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RS
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- RS |
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A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits
down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him
has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence,
we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue
twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous
blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So,
instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally
said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'. So she socked me a good
one.
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable.
Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this
morning and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of
Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'you ruined my life you
evil fat ugly slag'".
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided
to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home
and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was
walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks
away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his
driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and
the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive
a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right
again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe
distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen,
is the cat there?" "Yes," the wife answers, "why
do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son
of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
I went into my proctologist's office for my first
rectal exam. His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room
and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could
see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes. After putting
on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed
that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table: a
tube of KY jelly, a rubber glove and a beer.
When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look
Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the
K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me
what the BEER is for?"
At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged
and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled
to his nurse... "Darn it ELAINE!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Well boys and girls it's that
time again. Another update done and dusted and trust me when I say
I'm more than happy about this. Not because I don't like doing updates,
but because I am absolutely buggered - my eyes are hanging out of
my head and I haven't had time to eat today so dinner is a high
priority at this point.
If you were wondering when
I will return with a whole new update then I suggest next Thursday
would be a good time to check back. I update this bitch once a week
because I haven't figured out how to cram five days into one and
update daily. Anyway if in the meantime you needed something to
keep you occupied then feel free to harass you family, friends,
neighbours and coworkers by telling them constantly to check out
this fucking fantastic website you found called ORSM-DOT-NET!
Until next time be good, stay
off the chems and watch out for the skin deep. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
