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Everything just seems so hectic lately. So much
going on. So much to do. It's all good too - by keeping myself swamped
with work et al I've managed to pull myself out of the motovational
slump I've been dwelling in for the last few weeks.
I think the slump was just a nasty
case of January-itis that I couldn't seem to shake. Of the many
things that REALLY suck in this world January-itis [also known as
lack of motovation, can't
be fuct and not interested]
ranks right near the top of the list. Apart from occurring in January,
this condition is most likely to attack after a couple of weeks
break from doing anything work-related [Christmas/NYE]. Extreme
cases of this disease will last for months but generally clears
up after a few weeks.
Symptoms include sitting down at the computer
and finding it almost impossible to get a decent update done for
the masses to enjoy Orsm-style.
How to get over it? For me the best way is to
laden
myself with tonnes of shit to do so I basically have no choice
except to step up and get it all done. Simple. Call it cure by immersion.
Works everytime too!
Anyways hopefully the updates from now on will
be back to what they should be and everyone can get on and enjoy
some wholesome, mostly naked entertainment.
Australia Day weekend has come and gone again
and this year was much more laid back
than last. I attended three BBQ's in 2 days, drank some beer
and spent most of my Sunday doing what most true Aussies were doing
- listening to the Triple
J Hottest 100 and drinking beer which, for the uninitiated,
is a sort of alternative national radio station that counts down
the 100 best tracks of the year, as voted by us. The tracks that
made the list can
be found here. For the record I picked Tenacious D to take out
the honours but they didn't rate a mention.
IT
IS NOT ONLY FINE FEATHERS THAT MAKE FINE BIRDS!
As for the sky-show/fireworks to celebrate the
day - fuck that. I honestly can not be bothered being stuck in traffic
for two hours trying to get home when I live less than 10 minutes
from the city... besides I could see half of it [the really high
ones!] from the front of my house. Close enough is good enough!
I got a squillion emails from people in regards
to my comments last week. Okay, maybe I did come across a little
harshly but I just wanted to make it clear that there is method
to my madness and what I said was pretty much only aimed at those
people completely unknown to me who take up copius amounts of my
time. YES this website is and always will be 100% free but I AM
NOT running a service here!
If you're looking for some fine cigars then you
gotta stop by and see my mate
Larry's website. Larry was good enough to send me some of the
most amazing cigars I have ever come across - Penthouse Cigars.
Each cigar even comes complete with a Penthouse babe of your choice
too...!! Check out HJ Bailey
here!
Bad
Jane Bad! - Employee
Manual - Words
Women Use - First
Date Blues - Fat
Chicks In Party Hats
Cool
404 - Mad
Cow - Up
Yours! - MYO
Porn - Martyr
Machine - Smells
Like Fish
Hows this for an awesome job - each week these two lucky bastards go out cruising to find the hottest, most sex starved MILF's on the planet and deliver them a double dose of big fat cock. This is definitely the be all and end all of reality TV and must be seen to be believed. Tonnes of free vids, free pics, sexual mayhem and general running amok @ MILFNextDoor.com. Check it.
We're still on the hunt for totally hot Perth
chicks to do a shoot for the site. If you think you've got the goods
and wanna earn some cashola then drop me
a line!
GOLF
A man takes a week off and decides to play a
round of golf everyday. First thing Monday he sets off on his first
round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this
is a woman and as he gets closer to her on the Par 3, he sees that
she is a stunner.
He's interested and suggests that they play the
rest of the round together. She agrees and a very close match ensues.
She turns out also to be a very talented golfer and she wins their
little match on the last hole. He congratulates her in the car park
then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn't have a car.
All in all it's been a highly enjoyable morning. On the way to her
place, she thanks him for the morning's company and competition
and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the course for a
long time. "In fact," she says, "I'd like you to
pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated everything."
He pulls over, they kiss and she ends up giving him a blow job.
The next morning he spies her at the first tee
and suggests they play together again. He's actually quite competitive
and slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they
have a magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing
a tight round of golf.
Again she pips him at the last and again he drives
her home and once again she goes down on him in appreciation. This
goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This
is a sore point for his male ego but nevertheless in the car home
on Friday he tells her that he has such a fine week that he has
a surprise planned. Dinner for two at a candle-lit restaurant followed
by a Night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a city hotel.
Surprisingly, she burst into tears and says she
can't agree to this. He can't work out what the fuss is about but
eventually she admits the truth.
You see," she says, "I'm a transvestite."
He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to
a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion. "I'm
sorry" she repeats.
"You bastard," he screams (rather red
in the face), "You cheating fucking bastard, you've been playing
off the ladies tees all fucking week!!"
A young guy out on the town with his mates spies
the girl of his dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her
from afar he finally gets up the courage to talk to her. Everything
goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date
the following Saturday evening.
Saturday night the man arrives at her house with
flowers and candy. To his surprise, she answers the door in nothing
but a towel. "I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running
a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents
who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should
warn you, though, they are both deaf mutes."
With this she ushers him into the living room,
introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears. As you can
imagine, this is a little uncomfortable, as both of the parents
are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his armchair watching cricket
on TV, and Mum is busy knitting.
After about ten minutes of complete silence,
Mum jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers,
and pours a glass of water over her backside. Just as suddenly,
Dad launches himself across the room, bends her over the couch,
and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and
balances a match stick in front of his eye.
The room is plunged back into eerie silence and
the young man is shocked into disbelief. After a further ten minutes,
the daughter returns fully dressed and ready for the evening.
The date is a complete disaster with the young
man completely distracted by the on goings earlier in the living
room. At the end of the night, the girl asks, "What's the matter?
Have I done something wrong?"
"No, its not you," he replied, "It's
just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you
and I am still a bit shocked. Well, first your Mother jumps from
her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her panties, and throws
a glass of water over her behind. Then, as if that weren't enough,
your Father races from his chair, leans her over he couch and does
her from behind. He then sits back down and places a match-stick
by his eye."
"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl.
The man can't believe her casual response. "Mum was simply
saying, 'Are you going to get this asshole a drink?' and Dad was
replying, 'No, fuck him - I'm watching the match.'
A Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin
and, truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding
night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.
He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:
"My darring" he says, "I know
dis yo firs time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you
anyting you want, I do anyting... just anyting you want, you say.
Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which
he hopes will impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently
(and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and
unsure, "I want... numba 69!" More thoughtful silence,
this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries...
"You want... Beef wif Broccori?
ORSM
VIDEO
A guy walks into a pub with 5 of his mates.
He goes up to the bar to order the first round and notices two bits
of meat suspended from a rail 5 feet above the bar. He says to the
barman "What's the story with those bits of meat above the
bar",
The barman replies "it's a special challenge that we have on
tonight. If you can jump up and kick those bits of meat then you
and your mates can have free drink all night however, if you try
it and fail then you have to buy everyone in the pub drinks all
night".
The guy double checks with the barman "If I can jump up and
kick those bits of meat then me and my 5 mates can have free bevy
all night?" "That's right" replies the barman. "But
if I try to do it and miss then I have to buy the whole pub drink
all night".
"Correct again" replies the barman. So the guy looks up
at the meat, looks down at the floor, back up at the meat, back
down to the floor. "I think I'll leave it" he says.
"Why" says the barman.
The man pauses for a moment and says "BECAUSE THE STEAKS ARE
TOO HIGH."
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LINKAGE
Links this week go out to the some what pungent folk at the following
poignant web sites...
Drew
Skillz - Spaff
- Burkey
Is Totally Fuckin Us - The
Maelstrom - Brain
Damaged - Drunk
TV
A 13 year old kid comes home from school one
day and walks up to his dad. "Dad, I have to tell the class
tomorrow what the difference is between potential and reality. Can
you help me?" "Well son, I won't give you the answer but
I'll help you out. Go ask your mum if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million bucks, then go ask your sister and brother the same
question." So the son shrugs and heads in to the kitchen.
"Hey mum... would you sleep with Brad Pit
for a million bucks?" His mum looks around to make sure her
husband isn't around. "Yes, I think I would." He writes
down her comments in his little book and takes off to his sisters
room. Once he gets there, he bangs on the door and asks her the
same question.
"Oh my god... YES YES YES... blah blah blah..."
she says. So, he shuts the door, writes in his book, and takes off
down stairs to his brothers room and bangs on the door. He asks
him the same thing. "For a million bucks? What the hell, sure."
he answers. The kid stares at his brother and takes off to the living
room and thinks about things for an hour. Finally, things click...
"Dad, I figured out the difference between
potential and reality." "What did you learn son?"
"Well, potentially we're sitting on 3 million bucks, but in
reality, we're living with two sluts and a fag!"
Before the inauguration, George Bush was invited
to a get acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several
glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal
bathroom. There, he was astonished to see that the President had
a gold urinal.
That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura,
about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "When I
am President, I'll get to have a gold urinal!" Later, when
Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she
told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of
the fact that in the President's private bathroom, the President
had a gold urinal.
Later that evening, Bill and Hillary were getting
ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "By the way,
I found out who pissed in your saxophone."
READER MAIL
Craig
wrote:
Subject: Say Hi to Helen
Greetings Fellow Earthling, Attached, a
fellow Perth girl... Her name is Helen. She is an ex. Pic
was taken about 15 Yrs ago. She misled me and got pregnant
and stung me for maintenance for a dozen years. I had lots
of pics, but over the years, lost them. Found this one. Wanted
to show the world what a fine bod she had BEFORE she had 5
kids to 3 different fathers. Currently lives south of Perth.
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gettnbackatya
wrote:
Subject: How about this priceless
My best friend sleeps with my boyfriend and I got these.
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<with
held> wrote:
Subject: definition of a knobhead
mr orsm, thought you might like this pic
for your site. this was taken at the office party of the place
where I used to work. the bloke claims to be a "CAD Manager",
but in all honesty, he's just a knobhead and this proves it.
and he can't really blame it on being drunk, as the guy only
drinks malibu and pinapple. cough, faeg, cough. |
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Mark
wrote:
Subject: picture
I wanted to know if I can send you a picture
of my friend jerking off in my bathroom for your page. Here
it is if you want to put it on your page.
|
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brian jeff
wrote:
Subject: old mail
We don't know if you remember the post
from over a year ago, but let us be the first to disclaim
the one known as jack dickerson. He has never had a roommate
named Matt Lassiter(that was jack) , nor has he ever hit
anyone out of anger, nor does he have or has ever had $5000
in the bank. Jeff and I felt after seeing the total amount
of bullshit on your site posted by Jack that we need to
set the record straight. Since he has been involved in hardcore
pornography for 15 years, his internet persona is drastically
different than reality. All posts were written by Jack,
its plain as day in their identical sentence structure and
wording. We have been friends with Jack for years, but often
find ourselves cleaning up behind him as we are now.
What happened was this little
bitch punk Jack got uppity and because of the anonomity of
the internet he thought there would be no repurcussions, he
decided he would beef himself up by talking smack worldwide.
Of course after expierencing backlash on your site , he did
take the bitch way out and "invented' a 'roomate'(which
he hasnt had a roomate in 4 years) Matt Lassiter(see, jack
is in love with tom selleck--hence Lassiter)The only vacation
he has been on in 4 years was when we all went to vegas several
years ago for a friends wedding.
Other than Selleck's Lassiter
we find the comment 'thanks for the colonies' a quote from
the movie Great Balls of Fire. He apologizes to several nations
and then to Kristi--which proves the only reason he apologized
was to look good to a chick he has never met .The reason he
asked about brothels was because thats the only way he will
ever get laid. The comment "its nipples for you silly
cunts to suck on" he stole from me.......everytime his
whiny bitch ass crys about something thats what we tell him.
I urge you to read all three letters again, and it should
be obvious that they are all written by the same person....our
little buddy Jack "Meoff" Dickerson.
What I don't get is why? Why would someone
go to so much trouble? It all seems so elaborate and for what?
If even half of the above is true, surely Jack has better
things to do with his time...? |
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An attractive young woman was delighted
to find her hero Sean Connery alongside her at the bar of a swish
hotel and even more delighted when he spoke to her. They chatted
for some time and the subject inevitably got round to sex. "I
suppose that now you're in your 70s, sex isn't the same," the
woman observed regretfully.
"On the contrary," Connery said in
his famous Scottish accent, "it's even more enjoyable. I can
easily have it three times in a row and each one is better than
the last, both for me and the woman. Would you like to come up to
my room so I can prove it?"
There was no way the woman was going to decline
an offer from 007, so in no time they were making beautiful love.
"That was wonderful, Sean, if I may call you that," the
woman gushed. "Will it really be better next time?" "It
will," Connery promised her. "But first, I've got to have
a half-hour nap and would like you to hold my testicles gently in
one hand and my penis
in the other while I'm asleep, if you wouldn't mind."
"I certainly won't mind," the woman
assured him, taking these intriguing parts of 007's anatomy in hand
until 30 minutes later to the second Connery woke and resumed lovemaking.
"You're right," the woman gasped when they finished. "That
was even better. Shall we go again?" "Sure," Connery
drawled, "but I need that nap again with you holding my balls
and dick."
The woman gladly agreed to resume her hold and
30 minutes later released his parts so they could have their third
session. After it, she lay back in silent ecstasy before asking,
"Sean, tell me, I'll keep it secret if you prefer but does
having your partner hold your balls and dick while you sleep make
it so much better for you?"
"Not at all," Connery assured
her. "It's just that the last woman I had in here stole my
wallet."
A man visited his doctor because
he had a severe stuttering problem. After a thorough examination,
the doctor consulted with the patient.
Doctor: "It appears that the reason for
your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long
and it is pulling on your vocal cords, thereby causing you this
annoying problem of stuttering."
Patient: "Ddddd octttor. Whhaaat cccan I
dddo?" The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute
and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain
on the vocal cords by removing that six inches from the penis, freeing
him from this horrible problem.
The patient stuttering badly states that this
problem has caused him so much embarrassment, as well as, loss of
employment and that anything would be worth it. The doctor plans
for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later
the patient comes in for his follow up.
Patient: "Doctor, the operation was a success.
I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great new job
and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem My
wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have
before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if
it is possible to reattach those six inches?"
The doctor scratched his forehead, thought for
a minute and said, "I dddoonnn't ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould
bbbbee possssssibbble."
A little old couple walked slowly
into McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place
amid the young families and young couples eating there that night.
Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell
what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there’s a couple
who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"
The little old man walked right up to the cash
register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for
their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started
taking food off the tray.
There was one hamburger, one order of French
fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger
and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his
wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them
in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He
took a sip of the drink; his wife took a sip and then set the cup
down between them.
As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger
the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they
were thinking "That poor old couple. All they can afford is
one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his French-fries one
young man stood and came over to the old couple's table. He politely
offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat.
The old man replied that they were just fine.
They were used to sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that
the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching
her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them
something else to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they
were used to sharing everything together.
As the little old man finished eating and was
wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it
no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy
some food.
After being politely refused again he finally
asked a question of the little old lady.
"Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything.
What is it that you are waiting for?" She answered... "The
teeth..."
30 HARSH THINGS
TO SAY TO A NAKED GUY
I've smoked fatter joints
than that.
Awww, it's cute.
I guess this makes me the early bird.
Why don't we just cuddle?
You know they have surgery to fix that.
Make it dance.
Can I paint a smiley face on it?
Wow, and your feet are so big.
It's OK, we'll work around it.
Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
Can I be honest with you?
How sweet, you brought incense.
This explains your car.
Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
Why is God punishing me?
At least this won't take long.
I never saw one like that before.
But it still works, right?
It looks so unused.
Maybe it looks better in natural light.
Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
Are you cold?
If you get me really drunk first....
Is that an optical illusion?
What is that?
It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
Does it come with an air pump?
So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality. |
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This guy visits the doctors and says, "Doc,
I think I've got a sex problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."
The doctor says, "Come back tomorrow and bring her with you."
The next day, the guy shows up with his wife. The doctor says to
the wife, "Take off your clothes and lie on the table."
She does it, and the doctor walks around the table a few times looking
her up and down. He pulls the guy to the side and says, "You're
fine. She doesn't give me a hard-on, either."
RANDOM SHITE
The ever present stink feature
known as Random Shite doesn't disappoint this week. Click
the links below and find out for yourself! Random Shite Viewer
can still
be found here. By the way Shite Viewer Mk2 should be ready
by next week!
RS
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A college professor was doing a
study testing the senses of first-graders using a bowl of Lifesavers.
He gave all of the children the same kind of lifesaver one at a
time and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.
The children tasted and replied: "Red...
cherry", "Yellow.... lemon", "Green.... lime",
"Orange... orange."
Finally, the professor gave them all honey Lifesavers.
After swishing these around in their mouths for a few moments none
of the children could identify the taste. "Well," the
professor said, "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother
may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, coughed
her honey Lifesaver onto the floor, and yelled, "Everybody,
spit them out - they're assholes!"
I hate to say it but that winds
another update to a close. A shame really because I was having so
much fun! Just so you guys know, there's a slight chance I won't
be updating next week but rest assured it will be in the best interests
of the site! More info on that in a week or two I suppose. In the
mean time be good, stay off the chems and keep your balls covered
when spending long periods in the sun! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
