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February 2008...
 
orsmupdate 2008.02.29-00.02

Welcome to Orsm.net. Going through the motions.

Just when I thought the nasty hot weather had done its dash for the summer it dishes up 41.5°C [106.7°F] today. The aircon is on max cold and still the heat penetrates. I should be grateful that its not disgustingly humid but I'm a cake and eat it too guy - give me warm, but not hot. Cold, but not freezing. Boobies, but not small ones.

Anyway how are you guys? Me... remarkably upbeat and happy to be here although it's been a busy one trying to get this update happening. Its scary how quickly the hours pass when you strap yourself to the beast. It's Monday, I sit down with my coffee and the next thing I know I'm crawling into bed late Thursday after getting the update finished. Rinse. Repeat.

Moving on... I inadvertently became the laughing stock of my MSN buddies earlier this week after downloading a program from a dodgy site. A few minutes later my computer started going skitz and all my contacts were getting messages pointing them to an exploited website. Thankfully it wasn't catastrophic and no damage was done but I've got to hand it to whoever wrote the worm... its been years since I last got nailed by anything.

Onto my weekend because there isn't anything else that I really want to talk about... unless you guys want a few paragraphs on the 9 year-old girl banned from her tennis club due to excessive grunting? That 'getting fucked with a boxing glove' noise is the sole reason I so despise tennis. Grunters should be banned. More people would watch.

Spent a couple of hours aimlessly shopping on Saturday. Didn't need anything and didn't buy anything but its been ages since I went store to store. 'Oww new phone? No. Oww DVD's? No. Oww sunglasses? No. Oww punching bag? No.'... and so on. The only thing I really wanted was a hat [those melanoma ads on TV are really starting to sink in] but $30 for shaped straw just because it's got Billabong piping? No.

Did a drive-by of the park which was supposed to play host to a "we'll show Corey Delaney how it's done" party advertised online last week. It caused big shit because apparently 3000 people had RSVP'd and it wasn't authorised by the local council. Anyway went past around 9pm. First car park - entrance blocked and a bucket loads of cops, cop cars and vans there. Second car park - even more cops, cars and a few camera crews. Zero party-goers to be seen. Fizzer.

After we got back from the beach Sunday it was clean up time. The council rubbish collection was on which makes it prime time to offload anything taking up space. Shouldn't take too long I thought... but oh how wrong I was. And thus begun the onslaught...

It started with an impressive pile of boxes that's been building since September. From there it moved into the spare room and in particular a wall unit brimming with old computer parts. Coaxial network cards, serial cables, mice, keyboards, driver discs from computers that don't exist anymore. And it continued - multiple 8, 10, 20 and 30 gig hard drives, a sports bag full of cables, modems, 2 monitors, 3 computers. You name it, I had it but the big question is WHY? Why the fuck am I hanging on to this stuff? It's obsolete and I'm never going to do a thing with it.

So out it all went. On to the verge for collection. The scabs got to it pretty quickly too. Fuckers. The computer cases were gone in less than 10 minutes and the bag of cables even quicker. I've hated the scabs for as long as I can remember and with good reason - glaring. They fucking glare at you. I can live with the fact my junk is another's treasure but glaring at me like I just defiled your adolescent daughter isn't called for. It's my stuff you're rifling through! Next time I throw out a computer or something sealable I'm filling it with dog shit.

Sunday was also the day I met me new neighbours. "Hi. I'm Orsm." "Hi. Impressive garden you have there! " "Oh you like gardening? Feel free to come over with your secateurs anytime!" I say jokingly. And with that she looked at me like I was a complete fucking idiot. Note to self: you aint funny dude.

Okay enough rambling. Let's drop a bomb on an update that you'll tell your grandchildren about. Check it...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Unbelievable - Play Eeet! - Tony Soprano? - Gone Wild! - WTF? - It Aint Mine! - Jimmy Retorts - Hog Fucked

Rick-Rolled - Harrassment - iBand - Hottie - Horny Drunk - Cam Gurlz - Dazzling Boobs - Stupid Ho - Black Pussy

Padawan - Great Game - Show It Off - What A Dork - Funny Bastard - Aguilera - Avril - Scissor Sex - No Shame

A blonde couple were delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption centre called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation. On the way home from the adoption centre, they stopped by the local college so they each could enrol in night courses. After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?" The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."
--
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh! Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
--
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror asks her husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly - pay me a compliment!" He replies, "You have perfect eyesight!"

LISA DANIELS
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TIMES... THEY ARE A CHANGING...

SCENARIO: Jack starts a fight with John at school.

THEN: A large group of boys form around the two, they beat the shit out of each other, they shake hands and the next day they are best mates.
NOW: The police are called. They arrest John and Jack. All cellular phones with videos of the fight are confiscated as evidence. Both are charged with assault. Both are suspended, even though Jack started the fight. The parents are summoned for consultation and the other children who saw the fight get trauma counselling. The video of the fight is available on YouTube.

SCENARIO: Jack disrupts the class because he cannot sit down and shut up.

THEN: Jack gets a hiding. He can still not sit down because his arse got a spanking, but he shuts up, finishes school and becomes a successful businessman.
NOW: Jack is is tested for ADD then put on Ritalin because he is hyperactive. He becomes a zombie. Jack cannot cope and leaves school in the 8th grade.

SCENARIO: Jack throws a stone and breaks a neighbour's window.

THEN: Jack gets a spanking. He has to work in the neighbour's garden for a week and get a job to pay for the window.
NOW: Jack gets a spanking. His father is arrested for child abuse. Jack is placed in foster-care. The psychiatrist convinces Jack's sister that her father sexually abused her and their father goes to jail. Jack's parents get divorced because the psychiatrist fucks Jack's mother.

SCENARIO: Jack fails English at school.

THEN: He attends extra English classes, passes school and graduates from university.
NOW: The teacher is blamed for the failure. A local human right's group takes up his case. They determine that compulsory English at school is blatant racism. It becomes a major political issue. A case is made against the school and the Department of Education. English is removed from the curriculum. Jack's passes school very well, but mows lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

SCENARIO: Jack takes firecrackers, makes a bomb and blows up an anthill.

THEN: The ant hill is fucked. Thousands of ants are killed.
NOW: The animal protection groups are called in. Jack is arrested and charged with urban terrorism and cruelty to animals. His parents are placed under surveillance. Jack's younger brothers and sisters are taken away from home. Their computers are confiscated. Jack's father is placed on a list of terrorists. He is fired and cannot get another job. The family starves.

SCENARIO: Jack falls and scuffs his knee during break. His teacher dries his tears, cleans the knee and gives him a hug.

THEN: Jack soon feels better and by second break he is running around again.
NOW: Jack's teacher is accused of being a paedophile. She loses her job. She receives a suspended sentence. Jack receives therapy for five years and becomes a faggot.

ORSM VIDEO

- CLICK HERE TO SEE A TASTY BRUNETTE BABE GET FUCKED ULTRA HARD! -

Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused. His mother was Jewish and his father was Aboriginal.

So Johnny says "Mum, am I more Jewish or more Aboriginal?" "What does it really matter? You'll just have to ask your father", his mother tells him.

So Johnny's father gets home from work and Johnny asks the same question, "Dad, am I more Jewish or more Aboriginal?" "What kind of a question is that, does it really matter? Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or more Aboriginal?" asks his dad.

"Well, it's like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, I don't know whether to talk him down to $25, or wait till dark and steal the fucking thing!"

CELEBRITY NIP SLIPS
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The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack.

"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "What can I do for you?" Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
 
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" The Pope, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting.... " Grumpy shagged a penguin! Grumpy shagged a penguin! Grumpy shagged a penguin!"

STORM FRONTS
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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

READER MAIL
Last week I blogged about a DVD boxset that I received two copies of and asked what you guys thought. To be honest I was quite surprised with the amount of replies and they were definitely handy in helping me decide. Check the responses here.

Got something Orsm-worthy? Submit it! If your shit is good enough it'll be featured on the main page and then archived for all eternity. On the Orsm hit list are pics of your terrible ex-girlfriend, tasty current girlfriend, jokes, funny videos and pretty much anything else you can staple to an email and send my way. All you must do is click here to make it happen.

Rach wrote:
Subject: SORRY?
I read through the "apology" last week and agreed with most of it, (well, all of it actually). I was born in a town where there are a lot of Aboriginal families and I'm absolutely NOT racist, I'm very open-minded, but I had to write in and comment on this:

from Mike:"perhaps if people like your self were more open minded indigenous australia may find a place within our society. i would ask, how many aboriginals do you actually know?"

I went to a public high school and I was (and still am) friends with quite a few Aboriginal or Aboriginal/mixed people. I even had an Aboriginal boyfriend for a while a few years ago. So obviously being racist is not a part of who I am, but what really gets up my nose now all this crap is going on was that when I was 12 years old and in grade 8 all of these friends of mine each received $1000 spending money and a free trip to Melbourne from the Government (and I remember them bragging about it too!) and I couldn't understand why the rest of us didn't get the same. My family didn't have a lot of money, but the things we did have we took care of, and we didn't wreck the things that were given to us. Which in my own experience is not what I've seen happen in these Aboriginal communities.

Does that make me racist? I don't think so. It makes me mad knowing that I have to work my arse off to get the things I want, and yet here are people who get it all sitting down, stuff up their opportunities and then stick out their hands for more. And if they're refused, the "racist" word gets thrown around. It's bull. There aren't many white people who get the same deal, and I'd be just as pissed if they did.

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Jim wrote:
Subject: ABORIGINAL
Good day , I am from Canada EH!, your resent articles about the aboriginal apologies sounds an awful lot like what has been going on in Canada for years. It seems that we can't give them enough money ,once you start treating them like they are handicapped it never fuckin ends! The Chiefs on the Reserves make more money than the Premiers of the Provinces , I'm talkin 240,000 a year tax free and one Chief took 133,000 for travel expenses besides. We just paid out billions because we put their kids in residential schools and taught them how to not be totally useless, but it didn't help they are still are. Everybody goes on about how noble the red man is ,check out Winnipeg poops on utube and you will see an Indian drop his pants and crap in a pot in the middle of a busy walkway, proud Indians. They all figure they are artists but nobody ever says that they suck at pretty much whatever they do. Some of the good ones live in the far north, {and there are good ones} they still live as they have for centuries. It's getting that if you are a skilled white male ready to work they will hire an Indian over you even though they will never show up to actually work , its like a retarded quota, so everyone else has to work harder because of dead weight . Maybe we are not so smart either ? Anyhow don't let them try and brain wash you, cause it's just the tip of the iceberg, next thing is the Half breeds will want in on the gravy train ! Like our Métis, and then we have the French, we have pretty well done everything we can to fuck ourselves into a hole, oh well it still beats living like an Indian! Good luck and be afraid, it get worse!
Ian wrote:
Subject: UnFuckin Believable
Kelly waited to have something worthy of contribution and sent in details of Kareem Abdul Jabaar as a crim and failed to realise the 7 foot 2 inch basketball player is about 60 now and is doing very nicely thank you. Kelly is sharp!!
Rhett wrote:
Subject: randoms fine arse
met this chick last weekend, after a solid drinking session we went back to her house, got our fuck on and then she passed out on me.... literally... i spent about 15 minutes slowly pulling my hands out from under her so she wouldnt wake up! Got dressed and couldnt resist taking these pics... This how she crashed out.
click to enlarge click to enlarge
Dubs wrote:
Subject: This is what I saw this morning on the on ramp to Canning Hwy
So you can imagine some dudes comin from Burswood way on Grt Eastern heading toward Canning Hwy.
They get to just on the overpass over Shepparton and go up the slight hill. They get to the top of aformentioned 'slight hill' and see a booze bus. Now after having a drink or 7 they look around, see some grass and say 'let's go Bandit - REYNOLDS STYLE' and turn left onto the grass and through some small bushes only to discover.... OH HAI Mr. 4 ft high limestone fence.
click to enlarge
Annie wrote:
Subject: are you good at maths?
If you're planning on buying some Hot Wings from KFC, your cheapest option is to buy them in sets of six no matter how many you want. KFC charges you slightly more per wing as you buy more — "Guess they just hope nobody's good at quick math."
click to enlarge
KevO wrote:
Subject: Emailing
This is a recent photo of the Seville Butcher Shop taken this week from a good friend of mine down under....... Thanks for your great site ORSM.NET !!!!!!! We love your site !!!!!!!! AND REMEMBER......KEEP IT UP....ALWAYS !!!!!!!!!!
click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: race queens
I saw you posted a bunch of grid girls shots, here are some I took at fuji last year. Page 3-4-5 have the best shots I think. I also have a shite ton of pics from super GT at Fuji, and the WRC race in Japan last year if you want some.

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John wrote:
Subject: gotta get a bigger truck
I would like to know how they got this beast into the truck,. I would guess his gutted weight at 1500 TO 2000 POUNDS
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cheboia wrote:
Subject: nake cell phone pics
What up. I love the site, been stoppin by for about 2 years now and i cant get enough. So check this out, i recently bought a cell phone from this lady, she told me the phone belonged to her daughter and her daughter wanted to get a new phone so she gave it back to her to sell. So i get the phone, but my SIM card in, and start going through the features, i stumble across some pictures of this ladies daughter, and holy shit, she looks good, like whoreish good, shes the one on the left, well, enjoy everyone. (please with hold my email address)
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Nicolas wrote:
Subject: Car Drawings
Hey Mate, I'm a Perth bloke, I emailed some of my car drawings to you years ago and you were kind enough to actually upload them as an album. I finally got round to sending you some more. Let me know if you need better quality files and i'll dig up some better scans. Sorry it has been so long since the first installment.. I rekn I've improved a bit since then too. I'm actually a qualified designer now.
click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: woodstock '99 boobies
hey mr orsm, you kick ass, this site is what every person looking for cool shit on the net is for. i love every month, and felt guilty for not contributing so here goes. me and my dad hit up woodstock '99 and felt the urge to document all those lovely boobies, well some not so lovely but thats for the viewer to decide. ive attached the lot for everyone who loves tits to enjoy, and hey you might recognize someone. some of the expressions in the background, and even foreground are great. sometimes guys know what they like and cant help themselves. viva la orsm!!!!

click for gallery

Trapinhas wrote:
Subject: (Video) Luis Pedrinho e Ellen - Casal de Santa Barbara D'Oeste-SP
ESTAMOS ENVIANDO NOSSO VIDEO SOMOS DE SANTA BARBARA D'OESTE/SP. ADORAMOS EXIBICIONISMO. MINHA DELICIOSA ESPOSA " ELLEN " ADORA SER CHUPADA POR MIM NA FRENTE DE UMA CAMERA APÓS UM AMIGO ESTAR FILMANDO DEPOIS DE PROVÁ-LA.AUTORIZAMOS A EXIBIÇÃO DE NOSSO VIDEO POIS, SONHAMOS EM REALIAR FILMES PORNÔS

Weird clip. Far, far, FAR too much emphasis on the guy. By the way - English - speak it? -Orsm

click to watch video
V wrote:
Subject: Born Free
These two guys reared this lion from a baby in England but the authorities would not allow them to keep it once it reached maturity so they were forced to give it up, they took it back to Africa and placed it in a wildlife sanctuary, a year later they went to see it and were told it would not remember them… now watch the video!
click to watch video

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ex-Mate Drunk Idiot
Gday mate. This is an old mate of ours named Luke Clarke. Give the boy a few bourbons and this is the result, Hungry Jacks freo at about 1:00am. Has now become too good for his old mates so we thought the world should see how he can be...

Fremantle at 1am...? Lucky he didn't get bashed! -Orsm

click to watch video
click to watch video

<with held> wrote:
Subject: THE BEST DIRTY SLUT VID YOU'LL EVER HAVE. SERIOUS :)
hey webmaster of orsm.net .. i think you may be able to use this vid on your site.. its a pearler. it all happened in the quiet town of mildura in north west vic, few mates standing around talking shit in the local hang out spot "rowers" when along come a nice melbs backpacker, drunk as a skunk.. fuken filthy 29 your old was chatting up the boys when she decided to leave as she was getting too horny. as she was walking off the nice boys kindly asked to see her breasts, too which she agreed, all the boys got the camera phones out as quick as they could for a bit of good times sake. only to have her say.. "ya wanna film something, film this" and flipped up her skirty and away she went.. 30 seconds later she came like a shower of shit. haha good times! "Sorry if i spray ya" hahahha

That is one of the nastiest things I have seen. What a skank! -Orsm

the-feeding-tube.com

A MESSAGE FROM JOHN CLEESE TO THE CITIZENS OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem: God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French Fries' are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

God save the Queen. Only He can.

ORSM VIDEO

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

A father said, "Son, the object of dating is to SCORE! And to do that, you have to give the woman something. So when you pick up your date later, make sure you have some flowers or chocolates to give her. Girls go crazy over that stuff. The more you give, the more you get!"

So, the son showed up for his date with flowers AND chocolates. She was very flattered and pleased, and she rewarded him with a long, passionate kiss. She pressed her chest against him and rubbed her fingers through his hair... hoping to give him the best kiss that he had ever received.

After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door. "Oh! I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to scare you away." "You didn't!" he replied. "I'm going out to get you some jewellery!"

HOLLY MORGAN
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Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.

"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!" said the sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!" said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

RANDOM SHITE
Man, you are one pathetic loser. No offense. Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

Dear Abby, My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job eight years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and BS with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do? Signed, Clueless

Dear Clueless, Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman - you don't need him anymore! You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of the United States. Act like one!

COME FLY WITH ME
click for gallery

- ALWAYS WANTED TO FUCK A PORN STAR? NOW YOU CAN. CLICK HERE TO SEE HOW! -

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks copy the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... CELEBRATE!!"

ORSM VIDEO


I slightly delayed the update this week so it could go up on the 29th. Why? February 29th doesn't fall on a Thursday for I don't know how long, but it's a long time. Now I'll always be able to say I did an update on February 29th! Wooo...

- Check out the site archives. Por favor.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Oh-uh... oh-uh-uh.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, mates, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray touch you inappropriately.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and have a happy leap day. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2008.02.21-23.55

Welcome to Orsm.net. Don't think even about it.

Well here we are again. You, me and all the rest of them. Here. Again. How does that make you feel? Me... I feel amazing but that probably won't last too much longer unless I get another RedBull down quick smart.

I'm big believer in karma. Not that I run around spouting cautionary tales to all and sundry, I'm just well aware of the simple law governing the universe – do the wrong thing and you'll pay. That brings me to my do-the-right-thing dilemma...

Waaaay back in October I ordered a DVD boxset online for a Christmas present. Mid-December it hadn’t rocked up so I fired off an email and they shipped another copy. It arrived just in the nick of time too - Christmas Eve. All good. Then a few weeks ago it arrived again. Ooops... turns out the first shipment was just really, really slow. So now there are two and karma conscious I dropped the supplier an email explaining what had happened and asking how to send it back. That was two weeks ago and still no reply.

It may sound stupid and over-reachy but I'm convinced that escaping the vet bill and speeding fine last week was my good karma payback for doing the right thing. The question is what to do now? They definitely received the email because I got the auto-respond saying so. I don’t want it so do I keep pestering until they reply to my emails or just give it to someone I know will love it? What would you do? Fess up or just keep it? Email me.

Now watch as I casually segue into shit about me, my week and whatever else I can conjure up to fill this space...

The weekend started off flaccid and pretty much stayed that way. Unremarkable, uneventful and unmemorable are all 'un' words that suitably describe it. Did some running around, visited parents, repaired a computer, attached a letterbox, helped some friends house hunt, hit the shops, attended a thirtieth birthday and played lawn bowls. Okay when I write it out like that it wasn’t all that bad...

We made the stock-standard beeline for the beach first thing Sunday and spent the next couple of hours walking back and forth enjoying the ideal not-too-hot weather and flagrant use of bikinis. If I could start every day that way I'd be a happier person. Will just need to move closer to the coast and find a job that pays shit loads without actually having to do anything...

From there it was home to give the car a wash. Three long hours it took and half of that was spent vacuuming every nook and cranny, air vents, gaps, recesses, under seats –everything- in an attempt to rid the interior of dog hair and dust. Yes I'm totally anal about having a spotless car because I cannot for the life of me sit comfortably knowing it's filthy.

From there I was going to go for a cruise, enjoy the rest of the day and of course my now spotlessly clean car. It didn’t turn out like that though... instead I managed to reacquaint my arse with the couch, put on a DVD and even have a nap which is odd because I usually guilt myself awake before that happens.

The funny thing is it was all for nothing. Have not driven the car once this week and with houses around here being demolished left, right and centre there's a constant fucking dust-filled breeze dirtying up anything not covered up. Fuckers.

Holy crap a lot of hours went into this update and I think its pretty good but if you don’t think so I suggest the problem lies with you. Maybe you were neglected as a child, maybe you're emo, perhaps the anti-d's aren’t doing their thing. Anyway check it...

As you can see all content on Orsm Dot Net is free for viewing and that's why I'm a huge supporter of free porn sites. I know what your thinking, "but all free porn sites suck ass". Not in this case at Free-Porn-Listing.com. This sites enables you to access real adult sites completely free. There is no limit of sites you can look at. You can also watch and chat with live girls and people having sex.

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Tourettes Guy - Game On - Aussie Babes - Thugtards - Vida's Guerra's - I Told Ya! - Tasty TaTa's - Black & White

Awesome Bod - Sweet Kylie - Bumper Cars - Self Ownage - Arghhh!! - Makeout - Streaker - Jamie Wow - 6" Lover

Beat Bouncing - Fresh Maker - You Got Told - Bigfoot's Sister - Killer Boobies - Isla Fisher - McLovin - Lohan Nude

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs. "Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other. "All these unhappy babies... and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!" The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his arse!"
--
No matter which girls he brought home, the young man found disapproval from his mother. A friend gave him advice. "Find a girl just like your mother - then, she's bound to like her!" So the young man searched and searched, and finally found the girl. He told his friendly adviser: "Just like you said, I found a girl who looked, talked, dressed, and even cooked like my mother; and just as you said, my mother liked her". "So," asked the friend, "what happened?" "Nothing," said the young man. "My dad hates her."

DAISY MARIE
click for gallery

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened to you?" asked Hillary. "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me." "My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary. The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.
The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

ORSM VIDEO

- CLICK HERE TO SEE A TASTY BRUNETTE BABE GET FUCKED ULTRA HARD! -

A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He buys a small place and moves in. A few days a friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. On his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing hens about. Not wanting to interrupt these "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says "Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about shit on you."

The Chinese man is very taken back and says "Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs." "What do you mean mate?" says the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs!?"

"Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me!" replied the Chinese man," He say to become true Australian, I learn chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-shit."

GRID GIRLS
click for gallery

You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

READER MAIL
It comes as no shock there was plenty-o-email about the Aboriginal stuff I posted last week. Mostly it was people telling me how wrong I am which is nothing new but it makes for a good read nonetheless. You can find it here.

As for everything else... well there was oodles of it. So much that the internet police called and threatened to arrest me. True story. You can see for yourself if you do a FOI search for 'guy with a massive cock who receives too much email'.

If you would like to submit something to be featured in an Orsm update, become part of the cool crowd, the A-List, Fonzie-like, then we're always on the look out for messed up vids, ex-girlfriend pics, killer jokes or pretty much anything else you can stick in an email and jam down your modem. All you must do is click here to make it happen.

Tassie wrote:
Subject: cops
hey Mr orsm first off love ur work. now the business. i fucking hate asshole cops!!! pretty sure im not alone there. i have had a few run ins in my time mostly my fault but watching the vid cop vs skater i was horrified if my kid got harassed by a cop like that i would shove my thumb in his eye socket. dunno where u get ur vids but i can only pray that someone had the intellegance to do the American thing and sue the fat fuck. im so worked up im gonna have to find a bogan to beat up just so i can sleep tonight... keep up the good work mate..

The thing is we didn’t see what the kid was doing before the video starts which caused the cop to react that way. -Orsm

The Heise Trio wrote:
Subject: Cop vs. Skater
Not sure I see anything wrong here? About time someone knocks some sense into that kid. Question: Do you have a father? Answer: No. Enough said.
beenleigh tv wrote:
Subject: Petition Victoria P Platers
Chrunchy, You stupid dumb fuck...We are not out to ruin your lives by not letting you drive around with your mates, we are trying stop you killing yourselves every weekend on the roads. YOU tell us what to do to save young guys from wrapping their cars around power poles at all hours of the night killing friends and themselves. We are out of ideas. I know ...it wont happen to me Blah Blah!!! If your concerned about getting home, petition for a better public transport system. We were all young once and all had close calls, eh ORSM!
Vintman wrote:
Subject: re -p plater
It is for your own good dickhead I am sick of seeing moron p plater splattered on the road because their drunk mates in the car have distracted him while he should be concentrating on the road. P platers shouldn’t be allowed on the road after dark
Bruce M wrote:
Subject: Possum pic
I presume everyone is telling you this. The cat pic trick - It's not a bad trick, except 1900 911 481 is just the talking clock. Now, if you set up your own 1900 number and collected the revenue... that would be a good scam. I think you can get 77c a minute.
Chinco wrote:
Subject: Chinco's pain
Hi again Mr Orsm, I have a video of me doing something stupid and thought I'd share it with you. This was taken 2 hours before my buddy's wedding while we were killing time. I decided to "surf" over a bush with a plank we found lying around. The video will show the rest. Enjoy, and as always, love the site!
Aaron B wrote:
Subject: RE: Piranha image on your site currently
Hey man, that picture is not a damn piranha this is the 10th time i've seen that damn pic and people keep saying its a piranha its not.. its some freshwater fish found in africa In fact it is a Giant Tigerfish (aka Goliath Tigerfish, African Tigerfish). Tigerfish and piranha belong to the same family (Characidae) but are entirely different species. Piranha can grow to a maximum length of 60 cm, but most are smaller. You probably gonna recieve a shit load of emails saying the same thing coz of 1 retard cheers no need to hide the info :) ain't affraid to tell the truth
baxy kyahn wrote:
Subject: Halina from Poland
Hello Dear! How are you? I hope that all good for you and you will read my letter with a interest. Ok. I got your e-mail through internet dating agency. I gave my letter to agency and they have told that my letter will be send to man in North America!!!! I want to arrive to North America and I have good chance for this. I need only man who can meet me in North America and probably we can to develop our relations. Ok. My name is Oksana. I'm from Poznan City, Poland.

My measurements: 32B - 24 - 34, Height: 5'2", Weight: 115 lbs Hair: Brunette Eyes: Blue Star Sign: Pisces

I'm 26 years old. But very soon will be 27 years old. My birthday on March, 13, 1981. I am ready for creation family and want it very much. I cannot find the man in Poland for myself because it very hard in Poland. I want to create family and to live in your country because the government to care about people. I want to live and be sure in the future. In Poland it is not possible to live easy. I want to tell about myself a little. I live in city Poznan. My city is very beautiful. I work as the seller
 in shop home appliances. I'm cheerful woman who like to go for sports and do all what like are usual peoples.

My history: I'm with my girlfriend were going to go in your country as tourists for search of men for serious relations. But my girlfriend could not go with me. She had problems with your family. But very soon I will receive visa and I don't want to lose a chance to arrive in your country. I will receive visa in 7 days for your country. Now I'm in city Warsaw and waiting for reception of my visa. It will be great if you can meet me and we can to have relations with you. I'm understand that it very strange, but probably it's desteny for you and me. I understand that you will ask me "Where did you get my e-mail?" I'm right??? ;) I got your e-mail through internet dating agency in my city. I gave them my letter and they told me that they will send my letter. And I will be very happy if YOU will answer to me. I will be very happy if you will write me and we will have our meeting very soon. And it is possible we a meeting in 7 days because I can arrive to you.

Please tell to me about yourself a little! What is your full name? Your age? City? I hope that you will answer to me back... If so I will send my photo to you. I will wait your answer so much... Write to me on e-mail : bagriy.oksana@mail333.com

Hello, Is was very lovely to receive you letter. I live Australia and may be very look forward to meeting. Please send photo of the pussy before proceed to further negotiation. Sincere, Orsm

<with held> wrote:
Subject: passed out pants down at good vibes
Hey, went to Good vibes in perth sunday, towards the end some chick opened the door on this dude in the shitter passed out, pants down, holding knob. he stayed there for a while then ambulance officers opened the door. when he came to he realised where he was and saw 20 people laughing at him. haha. the face was priceless.
click to enlarge
Benjamin wrote:
Subject: Things That Make You Go Hmmmmm?
Was surfing and found an iteresting pic. Found a recent one almost like it. I wonder???????????? Does anyone else see a resemblance? Love the site, liked it better the old way though. But that won't stop me from visiting it every efing week.
click to enlarge
Woolly Woollcott wrote:
Subject: Fags
This bloke must be a Pom - Fag is their word for cigarette. Still amusing though. Check the number plate too. Seen in Redcliffe, Qld.
click to enlarge
Kelly wrote:
Subject: kareem abdul jabbar sanders
Mr. ORSM, Your site has provided a lot of enjoyment. Finally have something worthy to contribute. Seems things have gone downhill for old Kareem Abdul Jabbar recently! Thanks,
click to enlarge
Tony A wrote:
Subject: orrsim
Long time reader, first time submitter. Seen in car park at Wanaka Nerw Zealand. Ta
click to enlarge
Walter wrote:
Subject: top gear sponsors
Hi ya mate, Last night on BBC3. The guys from Top Gear were racing at Silverstone. Their BMW was sponsored by Larsen’s Biscuits en Peniston Oil. No point. Until they filmed the car in the pit with the doors open.
click to enlarge click to enlarge

BEV wrote:
Subject: Weirdo weddings
Dear Mr. Orsm, wanted to do my part and donate these pictures to the weirdo weddings gallery. These people are the most ghetto people on the face of the earth. They make the springer show look good. Enjoy!, orsm.net fan

Not be high fashion but fuck me if it wouldn't beat the monkey suit for comfort! -Orsm

click for gallery
Terry wrote:
Subject: New airport runway
New airport runway on the Portuguese island of Madeira. The airport's runway has a length of 2781 meters, (9000 ft) of which 1000 (3000) are supported by 180 pillars, each pillar 50 meters in length (about 17 floors). The runway is designed to accommodate 747s. Note the cars parked below the runway.
click for gallery
Neil wrote:
Subject: Flooded
Leightons at Anglo Opencut at Middlemount.
click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: ex girlfriend pics
This is my ex girlfriend Sharlai of Newcastle, New South Wales. She is a whore. Dont post my details

click for gallery
Aaron Couch wrote:
Subject: v8 supercars test n tune pics Queensland Raceway feb 14th 2008
HI Mr Orsm, Though you might like to put these pics (a few of many) from the V8 Supercars test n tune day at Queensland Raceway on valentines day. Note the last pic of the chick would make a good valentines present ? Cheers, keep up the good work!
click for gallery
Neil wrote:
Subject: Foxtel Offer
*wipes tear from eyes* I wish I'd written this letter ha ha ha
click to watch video
darrell wrote:
Subject: new vid
darrell here agane sent you a vid of me and my girl (november 06)and you posted it topman well its been a some time but here is a new on for your top site. another night in blackpool ;o) she fucks for fun hell how lucky am i more to cum he he
click to watch video
Tomas wrote:
Subject: Subprime Mortgage Presentation
How the Subprime thing went down
click to watch video

Mitch wrote:
Subject: boobs
Hi Orsm! Sluty chick from Poland again.

Slutty is a bad thing? -Orsm

click to watch video
the-feeding-tube.com

A TALE OF MAN VS MANIAC

This morning, yours truly, decided to sneak in a pinch of top-secret and highly professional canoe training at Emmerentia dam, before the first farts of the sparrows could escape their imprisoning sphincters, and even before the glories-of-mornings of most non-gay South African men could rise to view the possible prospects of "before work" swims.

Yep, I was up and onto that little patch of water before sunrise, tearing around it at record-breaking pace, sneaking in a wee bit of pre-Duzi training in order to wrestle the crown away from the well slow and soft Martin Dreyer (present Duzi champion, for those of you not in the intellectual canoe mix) next time around.

Anyway, the details of my incredible canoe talent are not up for discussion here, but rather what happened on my drive home after the session, in rush hour traffic and, in particular, on Jan Smuts Avenue near to the Old Parktonian Sports Club around 8am. I was happily chilling in my car, cruising along at about 60kph, in pretty much bumper-to-bumper traffic, with nobody going anywhere any faster; it was simply not an option. Well, not an option for anyone with a brain, with an ounce of logic within their crania, with a drop of sense inside the membranes of their cerebral hemispheres. You'd think that a creature without a brain would equate to a fly or less, a category that includes mosquitoes, stones, anvils and......taxi drivers.

Yep, enter Sipho "I'm a dickhead without a brain cell" Ndlovo, driver of a Toyota Hi-Ace with 4 wheels, 1 brake pad, no lights, half a steering wheel, about 30 people inside and 3 masking-taped windows, standard issue for a South African taxi driver.

He had more than likely participated in the demonstration march last month with hundreds of other taxi driver idiots protesting about having had their 'vehicles' impounded for not being roadworthy. The rocket-scientists couldn't understand what wasn't roadworthy about a taxi with a bobejaan spanner for a steering wheel, or one without brakes (they reckon a handbrake is just as good as the foot brake pedal).

Anyway, my mate Sipho decided things weren't flowing fast enough for him so started weaving in and out of the traffic, arm hanging out of his window like a baboon's tail hanging from its ring piece.

I heard this aeronautical engineer-like taxi driver coming from about 5 cars back, because everyone was hooting and slamming on brakes to avoid the accident that he was trying his damnest to cause. After he narrowly missed the back of my canoe as he swerved in behind me I made a stubborn little vow that he definitely wouldn't be cutting in front of me like that, and so began the fun and games.

The bum-wart first tried the standard tactic of intimidation, just gradually cutting me off, in the typical "you'd better slow down and let me in, or I'll crash into you" method.

Well, I used the typical "Fuck you faeces-brain" tactic, with one hand on the hooter, the other pointing straight at him, with my foot firmly on the accelerator, until he backed down like Mike Catt had done in 1995 when Jonah Lomu ran straight over him.
This had a snowball effect, which had me chuckling the whole way back to my humble abode. Syphilis-face then decided to put all his well acquired driving skill to the test and adopted the smartest technique of them all, the "Eish, I weel ovah-take on the wrong side" method, one that sadly has caused numerous accidents in the past, including the untimely death of one of our awesome mates a year ago.

This made old Maccatini madder than a spitting cobra with a red hot cactus lodged up its rectum. No skin off the fucking taxi drivers nose, he just accelerated more, and tried to cut in front of the double-cab in front of me, this after he had hooted at me and showed me a middle finger accompanied with a few swearwords, something that made me want to beat him harder than Campbell hit the gay boy who stabbed him repeatedly with a pen all those years ago!

Well, the fella in front of me had obviously also been observing the proceedings, and likewise refused to let Sipho Dickdribble Ndhlovo in so the acceleration by the monkey continued, while he tried his hardest to outstare the double-cab driver. Sadly for the nuclear physicist the emergency lane was shortly going to end, with a solid stone pavement to mark its ending.

More sadly for him was the fact that he, and his 30-odd passengers were all trying their damnest to "intimidate by staring" myself and the double-cab man, instead of watchin