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Welcome to Orsm.net. Boom shake-shake-shake the room.
It's been a pretty slow week around here. Well not THAT slow... but definitely a bit quieter than usual. You know the ones where nothing really exciting happens and all you've done is just move another week closer towards the end of your life? It was one of those. Barely noteworthy. Hardly worth blogging about but hey - I've got a whole page to fill so what can you do huh...?
I suppose it probably hasn't helped that I'm still hobbling around with a sore back and feeling sorry for myself. Most of my spare time has been spent lying on the couch moaning and groaning and watching my way through the entire Sopranos series. Come to think of it... I should injure myself more often - this is kind of like a holiday...
Is anyone sick of the Anna Nicole shit yet? I'll be the first to admit that I love following celebrity crap but all those weirdo-fuckers trying to cash in on her death honestly must have no shame. It took me a while to work out why the father of her kid thing was such a big issue but eventually it clicked - if her estate does win the legal battle and claim the half a billion dollar fortune from her dead oil tycoon husband then the whoever fathered the baby is going to have complete control of that. Like I said - no shame. Sick fucks.
On to my weekend [which was rather dull]. It got to that point again where there was absolutely no food in the house except for tins of obscure beans I don't remember buying, mouldy bread and foul milk so I headed for the supermarket to fill up a trolley. I managed to wander the aisles for an hour and oddly enough all I seemed to come back with was tins and bread...
After that it was time to give Windows Vista a try. Truth be told I wouldn't have bothered if my computer wasn't completely shitting itself and didn't need a major freshen but I did and now I'm stuck with it.
So how's Vista? In a nutshell - good... if you like pretty animations and a slick interface that is! It's definitely 'bloatware' though and by that I mean there's a lot of shit that just doesn't need to be there [which chews up precious resources] - kind of like Microsoft really tried to pander to newbies by simplifying things. Great for the newbies but probably going to be a little frustrating for power users until they work out where everything is.
Surprisingly all of my hardware was compatible and had no issues except for a slight hiccup with an 800 gigabyte storage array which was a tad annoying [however now sorted]. Software was all good too with the only stuff that didn't work being a couple of small programs which were extremely old anyway.
Final thoughts on Vista... if you're happy with what you've got then don't bother. If you still want to upgrade then make sure you're computer is well and truly up to spec otherwise it'll be a painful experience.
Next on the list was to give the car a good clean out. This was the week I was supposed to get my new one so I took my time checking under the seats and down every nook for anything of value. Good thing I did too because I don't know how I would have survived without the $6 and cigarette lighter I found!
The highlight of my weekend was later that evening. I grabbed my camera and a mate and headed for a quiet back street in an industrial area to get shots of my car doing some burnouts. God damn it was good fun too - really gets the adrenaline flowing. In four years of having owned this thing I was always reluctant to cut it up because I'm a miser and don't like replacing tyres but now that some other poor sucker is going to have to deal with it I didn't really mind. Funny that!
Okay I'll stop this incessantly boring blog and get on with the update. I say it every week but this one is a good one! Check it...
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Last night I walked into a public toilet where I found two cubicles, of which one was already occupied. So I entered the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down. A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?". I thought it a bit strange but not wanting to be rude I replied "Yeah, not too bad thanks." After a short pause, I heard the voice again "So, what are you up to mate?". Again I answered; somewhat reluctantly it must be said. Unsure what to say, I replied "Umm, just having a quick dump... How about yourself?". I then heard the voice for the third time ..."Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some asshole in the cubicle next to me answering everything I ask of you."
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a CAD monkey please."
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5000."
The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?" The Shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can draw in AutoCAD - very fast, clear layouts, no mistakes, well worth the money."
The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a Design monkey; it can design systems, layout projects, mark-up drawings, write specifications, some even calculate. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's an Engineer."
ORSM
VIDEO
FLESHLIGHT...
NOT AS CREEPY AS YOU THINK! I GOT MINE AND IT
IS HONESTLY THE FUCKING
GREATEST THING EVER!
CLICK HERE TO CHECK IT OUT.
RULES FOR THE BOSS
Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
If it is really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it is going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke. Always leave without telling anyone where you are going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, do not open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
If you give me more than one job to do, do not tell me which is priority. I am psychic.
Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion. If you do not like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped. If you have special instructions for a job, do not write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
Never introduce me to the people you are with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
Be nice to me only when the job I am doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it is nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I am not here for the money.
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READER MAIL
Got something cool you wanna share? Some wisdom to impart? Pics of your tasty girlfriend? Pics of your bitchy Ex? Messed up videos? A funny joke? Fucked up pictures? Then send them my way! With some luck they'll will end up on this very page and be seen by millions for years to come. All you must do is click here and send, send send!
Amanda wrote:
Subject: Janet Jackson photo
Today I got an email titled "The Superbowl--it could have been worse" which contained a pic of Janet Jackson & Justin Timberlake. Janet Jackson was nursing a baby. How on earth do you consider that WORSE than just a plain boob?
I know MANY nursing mothers, myself included, that would NOT like that picture at all. Nursing a child is something beautiful and you're site has turned it into something nasty! As soon I seen that picture I was PISSED OFF. That crap is the reason people look at me in public while breastfeeding my child. My tit is not hanging out for all to see! Yet they stare! Why? Because people in the USA seem to think that BOOBS are just for looking at, not feeding a baby, which is their FIRST purpose.
Pull your heads out of your rear ends and realize that breastfeeding isn't something to make fun of and laugh at. You wouldn't stare at a mother BOTTLE FEEDING her baby or take pics of her and alter them. Why, then, do you alter mothers breastfeeding their babies? After all, you had to have edited out the mother in that shot to put the baby onto Janet Jackson.
1. Absolutely no fucking idea why you're emailing me about this?
2. Try calling Dr. Phil to discuss you post-partum psychosis. 3. What the hell do you mean boobs aren't just for looking at?
4. Can we see your boobs? -Orsm
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Shane wrote:
Subject: Nice Boat!
Ok heres the latest drug runner from some European drug Barons This thing belts across the English Channel 3 times per week in the middle of the night with no lights just a sweep running it was just a blur on the radar of the British coast guard. They were so blown away by the speed of this thing that they brought in a Specialised chopper and had attempted to LAND the chopper on the boat at high speed to get them to stop.... What was on board...... 300kgs of pure cocaine!! Nice boat! |
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T wrote:
Subject: Fried nephew
Hi Mr Orsm, I've been logging on every friday for years !!! Here is a pic of my nephew who just moved to Perth and didn't know that you get burnt even when it's overcast !!!!
Oww wheres a pin when you need one?! . -Orsm
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God wrote:
Subject: Malcolm St Bridge Jumper
Hey dude. I was on my way home from work on the 15/02 and saw this chick laying on the freeway under the Malcolm St bridge in town, looks like she jumped. The ambulance had just got there and cops were running in from all directions. I felt sick after looking but my mate got a pretty good pic. She was bleeding from the mouth looked very pale and not moving at all. Enjoy. |
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marc wrote:
Subject: random shite image for ya
sup bro. found this on a mates windscreen outside an asian bar in auckland nz lol.
feel free to use it in random shite. cheers |
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Blokey Aarsevark wrote:
Subject: New Midnight Oil Album Cover!Exclusive!
I can't believe Peter Garrett is a labor politician, I imagine if Midnight Oil were to record a new album the cover & songs could be something like this???? God bless ORSM, net would be shite otherwise. |
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mundo wrote:
Subject: ex bitch
hi mr. orsm... I'm mundo from mexico, this are some pictures of my ex-girlfriend... please put this photos of this bitch on ur page.. thx |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: monkey whore
Hey Mr. ORSM, Love this site! I have a bunch of good shots for you to use. Check out this skank that I got to perform for the camera. Amazing what chicks will do for a klondike bar! Thanks and enjoy! |
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john wrote:
Subject: Check Out These Trees.
These trees were grown in Santa Cruz CA , what year I don't know. But the man who grew them never told anyone how he did it. In around 1999, the owner of Nob Hill Foods in Gilroy CA moved them to his park in Gilroy and they're doing well. Amazing Trees |
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Mike McDonough wrote:
Subject: The Navy Way
The assembled military force in these pictures is probably larger than the combined forces of the 5th through 10th largest countries in the world!
For the first time in over 20 some odd years, three carrier strike groups got together in formation for a great photo op. |
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Some Kiwi Stooge wrote:
Subject: Prado
Canning Stock Route gone terribly wrong! Not how you would prefer to end your trip ... This illustrates what not to do when driving in the Aussie Outback... ie if you don't check every now and then for build up of spinifex grass, this could be the end result!!! It's not just the animals and insects that are dangerous...it's even the vegetation!!! |
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Mike McDonough wrote:
Subject: Coming Soon to your city !!! Auto License Plate Recognition
From Professor Bill Ketcherside, of the University of Central Missouri. It's a video from British Columbia showing a computerized license checking system that will probably revolutionize police work when it eventually comes our way.
Now that's scary. -Orsm
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Lee wrote:
Subject: Video with Sparklers for the site......
Orsm, My buddy put this together for me so I could send it your way. All the buckets in the video are 5 gallon made of steel. The fire power in these things are nothing more than ordinary sparklers you can get anywhere. Pretty impressive if you ask me..... |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Bucks Party Accident
Hey Orsm, I thought you might like this one. I was at a Bucks Party and the Buck was... well, a little bit pissed during the strip show. I guess he decided it was a good a time as any to get a little relief. Anyway, it all ended up okay - the girl finished the show and (after a shower) the Buck kicked on. |
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GAY SLANG [CONTINUED FROM LAST WEEK]
AC/DC: bisexual (or a homosexual who hides his lifestyle).
AUNTIE: an aging homosexual.
BANANA: the penis.
BEAR: a large, hairy male.
BREEDER: an impolite manner of referring to heterosexuals.
BROWN: to perform anal intercourse.
BUGGERY: the act of anal intercourse.
BUMMER: active partner in anal sex.
BUTCH: a masculine homosexual.
CAN: the buttocks.
CHANGE YOUR LUCK: to engage in a homosexual sex act for the first time.
CHICKEN DINNER: sex with an underage boy.
CIRCLE JERK: a homosexual group sex activity in which several people link by masturbatory connections, often many ejaculating on one.
COFFIN QUEEN: a homosexual who prefers to sodomize dead bodies.
COTTAGING: The use of public toilets as a venue for meeting sexual partners.
DAISY CHAIN: a homosexual group sex activity in which several people link via genital/anal-oral connections.
DO: suck a penis.
DOSE: gonorrhoea or other venereal disease.
DRAG KING: a woman who prefers to dress like a man.
DRIVE IT HOME: forceful intercourse.
EAT JAM: to lick or suck the anus.
EYE: anus.
FAG HAG: a woman who is attracted to male homosexuals.
FI: a female impersonator.
FISH: contemptuous term for a woman.
FRUIT: a male homosexual.
FULL HOUSE: having more than one venereal disease at the same time.
GIRL: a behaviourally feminine male homosexual.
GOLDEN QUEEN: a homosexual who relishes being urinated upon while masturbating.
GOLDEN SHOWER: being bathed in urine sprinkled from a penis or vagina.
GRIMM'S FAIRY: an older male homosexual.
HUSTLER: a male prostitute.
LAVENDER: pertaining to the homosexual lifestyle.
MEAT: penis.
MUD GAMES: rubbing faeces and playing with it during sex.
OLD DIRT ROAD: using the anus for intercourse.
PANSY: a male homosexual.
PICKUP: a stranger who is induced to go elsewhere for sex.
POCKET POOL: masturbating through a pants' pocket.
QUEEN: a behaviourally feminine homosexual.
RIMMING: stimulating the perianal region with one's tongue.
SAPPHO DADDY-O: a heterosexual man who likes to associate with homosexual women; the male equivalent of a fag hag.
SCATTING: the act of defecating on a partner.
SUGAR DADDY: a man who keeps a younger male for sexual favours.
SWITCH HITTER: a bisexual.
THIRD SEX: a homosexual's tongue.
TRADE: a homosexual looking for action.
TROLL: a 'cruising' homosexual who forces himself upon other homosexuals.
TWINKIE: a young and fresh-looking homosexual.
VANILLA: sex limited to affection, mutual masturbation, oral sex, and anal sex.
WATER SPORTS: playing with urine during sexual activity.
ORSM
VIDEO
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 84?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" No, I don't," I said. He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then, why the fuck do you want to live to be 84?"
The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance levels. On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.
The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.
After a year of study and millions spent analysing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganised.
The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.
The next year, the Japanese won by TWO miles!!!
Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:
"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store."
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street. The 1st first floor has wives that love sex. The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money. The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited!
A farmer plows up an old copper lamp. He takes the lamp back to his farm house and begins to polish it up when out pops a genie. "Master," says the genie, "I will grant you 3 wishes."
The farmer thinks for a bit and then says, "I want a face as handsome as Elvis." "As you wish, master."
BOOM! His face transforms into a very handsome face.
"Next, I would like you to fill my living room with money," says the farmer. "As you wish, master."
BOOM! his living room fills with money.
The farmer thinks about his third wish, as he is thinking he looks out the window and begins to grin. "Genie," says the farmer, "Give me 'one' like the horse up on the hill." the genie also grins, "As you wish, master."
BOOM! The farmer looks down to see a huge vagina form between his legs.
Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met. Sitting in a cafe, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind." "Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin. "Well", said the little old man, "for old time's sake, let's go there again, and I'll give you one from behind."
Without them knowing, the young man sitting next to them had overheard the conversation and smiled to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it.
He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, the little old lady reaches for the fence. What follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the young man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second.
Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.
The young man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this - not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences. Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years time!"
By this time the two old pensioners have recovered and dressed themselves.
Plucking up courage, the young man approaches the pensioners. He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?" The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fucking fence wasn't electrified!"
Okay that's a wrap people! I'm not going to dribble on senselessly here as I have a tendency to do so I'll just cut to the chase...
- Check out the site archives. Please.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Pretty cool huh!?
- Tell your friends and family to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll send my my friend Ray around to bore them with stories of his life.
- What did you think of the update? Got something to say? Wanna show me your boobs? Email me!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stay out of the sun. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
