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Welcome to Orsm.net. Sucks to be poo.
Hello all. How the frack is everyone? I've been a busy little munchkin again this week. There's so much to get done but so little time in the day and I've managed to mess my sleep cycle as a result. Or not... maybe its just the cold weather but I've gone from waking up at 8am and hitting the sack at around 1am to a 9.30am and 2.30am thing. I don’t know whats wrong with me but just can't shake it.
Anyone ever heard of Landmark Forum? Well until recently neither had I but a friend has been doing it for the last few months and its all I've heard about ever since. So what's it all about? Basically you attend a three day seminar [for which you get jabbed $500] to learn about empowering, enabling and solving problems in areas of your life. Greeeeat.
I have a closed mind when it comes to stuff like this. I just don’t get it. Now you could argue it's because I'm not smart enough to understand it, I'm too stubborn or too untrusting but I prefer to think I can solve my own problems without standing up in front of a hundred people crying that mummy didn’t love me enough.
Anyway after months of pessimism and shit talking about what goes on at this Landmark thing I was pretty much forced along by my friend to an intro thing for it. It was a home session at her place where some Landmark chick with good boobs took us through a couple of exercises. We were all given a work booklet and had to write down what's working, what's not working, what we're working on, certain future for those things, what's missing and what new possibilities are invented as a result. Oh please gimme a break. Okay sure... some of the other participants got right into it - they identified things such as relationship breakdowns to the need for more spontaneity and so on. Me? The words "WTF IS THIS SHIT??" and a picture of a submarine being chased by a shark...
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This got me thinking. All this self help crap is draining the common man of his hard earned cash its time for something new and revolutionary therefore I proudly announce the Orsm's Personal Problem Resolution Seminars. The cost is free, you don’t have to leave your computer and we have an answer for everything right here: Depressed? Get over it. Suicidal? Kill yourself. Don’t feel well? No one cares. No friends? Kill yourself. Tired? Sleep. Hungry? Eat. Emo? Kill yourself. Small dick? Kill yourself.
It's just so simple!
My battle with the fridge repair company continues. It ended up being exactly a week after first calling them before they showed up and much to my surprise the guy wasn’t a complete retard which is a lot more that can be said for his office-based colleagues. Funnily enough it barely took any prompting at all for him to tell me that they were morons. Anyway within a few minutes of arriving he had half the fridge apart. Apparently some sensor is screwed so he promised to order a new one and all of five minutes later the fridge was back together and him ready to leave. This is the bit where I got my revenge against the repair company...
Last Christmas one of my friends got me a 'joke' pen which has found a home in a bowl on my kitchen bench. The bench is also where he stopped to write out the $96 bend-over-whilst-I-finger-your-arsehole invoice. Now there were two pens in the bowl... one normal pen and the joke pen. I gave him the proper one and walked off to find another one to write the cheque when he says "hang on - there's one right here". Next thing I know a scream is heard and the pen comes hurtling across the room past my head in what was a knee jerk reaction to being electrocuted by my joke pen. Funny, funny shit and I honestly don’t think I've ever had to try harder in my life not to laugh. We're one all now you fuckers!
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There are two rules for success: 1. Never tell people everything you know.
--
A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious". Roland the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious." "Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?" Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."
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The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by her not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke up feeling much better and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked," Did you dance much?" He replied, I'll tell you; I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."
You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life!"
ORSM
VIDEO
John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand repeatedly came through the window but never harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just experienced.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and ?... wasn't drunk.
Suddenly two other people walked into the same pub. They, like John, were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look, Bruce!? There's that fucking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."
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READER MAIL
Thankyou to everyone that contributed to the mail onslaught again this week - you guys rule! If you would like to have your say or just submit some cool shit for the site then you may do so here!
GUNT wrote:
Subject: freak boy
Gday mr Orsm,
My mates and I were having a few the other night, there were some fat chicks near us someone said look at the CANKLES on that, (Cankles: for those that don't know is when there is no telling where the Calves end, and the Ankles begin) then Carlos said 'look at the GUNT on that one!!!' and a new word was born in a fit of laughter (GUNT : where there is NO distingushing point bettween a GUT and a CUNT) You've all seen one, now you know what it is called. |
alex dowsett wrote:
Subject:
show me ue pussy and boobs |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: 51 Nep
Mate - never had a photo that I've taken to send in, always leaching off the fame of others. But here's one that I spotted at the Byron Bay Blues'n'Roots. Check the rims, check the tinted windows, check the jailbait! But the number plate is what makes it a classic.
Kids - do not accept candy from the driver of this car! -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pics of my cheating ex
Hey mr. orsm, Here's a couple of pictures of my cheating ex givine me a blowjob and then me fucking her and cumming all over her tits! It would be great if you could show these to the world for me. Please don't show my name or info....... A loyal fan in the U.S.A. |
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Maxi wrote:
Subject: Hi
Hi Orsm, It's been a while since I wrote but I had to share this with you. You have to love the British press, they never let the truth get in the way of a good story. ;-) Just to clarify, I've never met either of the gentlemen. Luv, Maxi |
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Matthew wrote:
Subject: Spare wheel cover
Today (the 21st of April) I decided to take a trip down to Bunbury, for the sheer sake of the shits and giggles of it, and while I was sitting at a set of traffic lights, I saw the spare wheel cover of a four wheel drive infront of me, and one lane to the left. Sorry about the poor quality, it was a picture taken at an un-fortunate quick time. I took the picture down Mandurah way, so hopefully the onwer may recognise it and send in a better version..... |
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chilli wrote:
Subject: summernats 2007 girls
hey how are ya? thought you might like these pics to add to your site for all the other blokes and maybe some chicks to look at as well. keep up the good work, i log onto your site every fri to check out the new shit, and of course, its always orsm!!! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: a fun Valentines Party
O: A friend has a crazy Valentines Part. Here are some pics from the party. Keep my name and contact info confidential. Thanks |
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A SAFFA wrote:
Subject: Accident on the N17 this morning 19-04-2007
Hey Orsm, Driving in South Africa... The saddest part of this is these guys will not get to see SA thrash Auzzie this week.
You see the game mate? I guess you could say the SA cricketers suffered the same fate as these guys... -Orsm
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Shane wrote:
Subject: One Tough Mother
You go, mama. Mama Ain't Playin' . Be sure to see all 3 pictures .... Now this is a seriously strict mom ... Don't mess with her... We need more people like her... YOU GO MOM !! |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Sinking the USS Oriskany
Hi. Thought you might like these pics. They are the final disposition of the USS Oriskany, an American carrier built late WW2, saw action in korea and vietnam, finally sank of the florida coast as an artificial reef. |
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paddy wrote:
Subject: on her tits
love the site check it out every week anyway horny as fuck one nite and she had the rags and no to a blowjob so she lubed me up and beat me off on her tits good girl please dont show details cheers ps some pics of when i did fuck her |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: my very fuckable wife
please with hold my info. your site is great |
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john wrote:
Subject: Lost camera
Orsm, Found a digital camara at the airport. I thought posting some of the pictures on your site might help the owner claim his/her camara. Thanks so much for the public service you are providing! |
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A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
ORSM
VIDEO
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.
"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Theresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man.
"And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Gough Whitlam's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that he told only two lies in his entire life - both of them over East Timor".-
"Where's John Howard's clock?" asked the man. "Howard's clock, oh that's in Jesus' office." "What?!! What's so special about him that Jesus gets to keep an eye on it?", asked the man incredulous. "Oh nothing special about John Howard" said St. Peter, "Jesus is just using it as a ceiling fan."
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out. The genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the administration clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." The genie snapped his fingers and poof, the woman disappeared.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." The genie once again snapped his fingers and poof, the man disappeared.
"OK, you're up," the genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two fucks back in the office after lunch."
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. ''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.''
The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?'' ''On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about...'' replied the lady.
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines, one line for the men who were true heads of their household and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter.
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, And in the line of men who truly were heads of their household there was only one man.
God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this Line?" "The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained, "I'm going to give you some suppositories. I'll insert one now, and then I'll give you another one for later this evening."
Later that evening, the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository. She agrees reluctantly, then puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, her husband shrieks, "Aahhhhh!"
"What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" she asks. "No... I just realised that the doctor had *both* his hands on my shoulders!"
ORSM
VIDEO
There's a sad sort of clanging from the clock in the hall and the bells in the steeple too, and up in the nurs'ry an absurd little bird is popping out to say "coocoo". Regretfully they tell us, but firmly they compel us to say goodbye to you. So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, good night, I hate to go and leave this pretty site. So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, adieu, adieu, adieu, to yieu and yieu and yieu.
- Check out the site archives. You know you want to.
- Next update will be next Thursday coz that's whgen they always are!
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers, enemies, apprentices and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will spend a whole day telling you why he thinks me telling you what my friend Ray will do isn't funny...
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and be a good girl. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
