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Welcome to Orsm.net. What if the 'HOKEY POKEY' really IS what it's ALL about?
Hi there. How goes it boys, girls, women and small children? Glad to hear it. Me... I've been having a fucking great week. The last couple of months have been all over the place like a mad woman's shit so to have things go my way for once is a nice change. Believe it or not the collapsing Aussie dollar suits me just fine and for the first time photographs I shot were printed in a magazine. Okay so what if it's a magazine no-one has ever heard of, it's still a buzz.
I think I may be coming down with something though. I'm tired, have to fight nodding off and there's an annoying headache coming and going. All I can say is thank God for the assortment of taurine and caffeine infused energy drinks that have single-handedly dragged me through the day...
Moving on... I download the 'Love Calculator' iPhone app last week. It was free, I was bored, so don't judge. Anyway you enter two names and it spits out compatibility as a percentage. After a few minutes of typing in my name followed by various others I tried Me/Cock. And what do you think the result was? 100%. Aaand there's not really much more I can say about that.
Let's do a weekend wrap shall we? Feels like it's been an entire week since I last did that...
Saturday started unnecessarily early. Matter of fact any Saturday that starts before 11am is unnecessarily early. The reason for this insanity was a result of not being able to say no when called upon to help friends move house. It's now I realise that receiving favours means returning them. That swallowed pretty much all of the day and wiped me out for that night too. Pretty gay.
Woke up sore Sunday... apparently a side effect of using muscles that one wouldn't normally use day to day tapping away at the keyboard or clicking a mouse. I'm not taking this to mean I'm unfit... just that I don't like moving furniture.
We had plans to go for a cruise that day so I got cracking and gave the car a wash. Two hours later my baby looked sextacular so I jumped on the phone to get the boys organised... all of which were either asleep or had forgotten they had other plans. Fuckers. Not wanting to waste a clean car I ended up going solo which admittedly isn't as much fun when you don't have anyone to make "You'd slam her like a fridge door" comments to.
I got home a few hours later to launch another assault on the weeds beginning to emerge with this new season. If there's one thing I've learnt over the last few years is that getting to them before they get to you. This is achieved by spraying copious quantities of chemicals around the place and saves a whole lot of heartache over summer. That and I really do enjoy seeing them slowly die.
Alright enough pointless babble. I struggled to get this far and with the Redbull wearing off, the incessant head pounding and encroaching tiredness numbing my extremities, I can't be completely sure everything that's come out has even making sense. SO... check it...
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When my wife came home yesterday afternoon to find the kitchen and living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and me on the couch having done nothing but eat chips and watch TV all afternoon. She shook her finger at me, "Watch yourself, mister, or you're going to make me do something I don't want to do!" "Wow," I thought, "I can't believe I'm going to get a blowjob out of this."
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An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son. Do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
--
A blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh. Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo and in that location. She responds "It's really cool. If you put your ear up against it, you can smell the ocean!"
| AUDREY BITONI |
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TO THE OVER 30 CROWD...
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up, what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning... uphill... barefoot... BOTH ways... in pouring rain... yadda, yadda blah, blah, blah...
I remember promising myself that when I grew up, There was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and Look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen! Pen Pals – remember them? Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
Want to see boobs? Google wasn't even thought of so the best you could hope for was swapping old Playboy magazines with your friend who stole them from his dad.
There were no MP3's or iTunes! If you wanted music, you had to catch a bus to the damn record store and buy it yourself! Our equivalent to Napster and Limewire was waiting around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and fuck it all up!
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!
And we didn't have Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mum, boss, drug dealer, collections agent, you just didn't know! You had to pick it up and take your chances!
We didn't have any Playstation's or Xbox's with high-resolution 3D graphics! We had the Atari 2600 and Commodore 64! With games Like 'Space Invaders' and 'Double Dragon'. Your guy was a little clunky bunch of pixels! You actually had to use your Imagination!! And there was no online multiplayer stuff either. It was just you and your brother and a couple of joysticks that hardly worked.
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! If you missed it – too bad. It wasn't coming to DVD and there was no downloading from Bit Torrent the next day.
You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel. There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove ... imagine that! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted Five minutes back in 1980!
Regards, The over 30 Crowd.
ORSM
VIDEO
- CLICK HERE TO SEE A TASTY BABE GET FUCKED LIKE A WORLD CHAMP! -
A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi insurgent, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state.
The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.
The soldier reported, "Well sir, I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent." We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved."
"He yelled back that Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, good-for-nothing, left wing labour dickhead who knows bugger all about running a country."
"So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!" He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a fucking truck hit us."
| COME FLY WITH ME... I DARE YA! |
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A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses.
She says, Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a two meter Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 5-kg.test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this Week for $44." She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor."Oh, that sounds like a Visa card, says the salesman. As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.
The salesman rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44? How did you get to $58.50?" "The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50."
| YUNAK CAPPADOCIA, TURKEY |
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READER MAIL
Pretty insane week for email. Ask and ye shall receive. Not that I'm complaining of course but asking you guys to pound my inbox like you would a seasoned hooker has severe time consuming effects. This then arrives us at 'what else would you do on a Wednesday, you dick?' and the answer is unquestionably 'nothing' as I have no life beyond serving you, the Orsm readership.
Anyway if you would like to contribute to the eclectic collage that is Orsm Reader Mail then here is where to click. We're mad as fuck for just about anything you can affix to an email and send down the internets so stop wasting time and send me your shit!
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Since I started reading
I've emailed you before, but I date back to the Orsm.ii.net days. In the time I caught up with you I've: Fallen in and out of love with Frostylips. Survived two stints in psychological observation, graduated high school, dropped 30 pounds, gained 50 pounds, graduated college, started and ended a professional wrestling career, started and ended a television news career, met, proposed to, and married my wife, moved from WV to Los Angeles, got into USC's screenwriting grad school, and lost my virginity.I blame you. All the best.
Anyone else care to contribute their 'since I started reading Orsm' life story? Email me! -Orsm
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Alex wrote:
Subject: A Humble Hawthorn Thank You
This is to thank all those selfless contributors to Hawthorn's premiership success that didn't get a mention in the acceptance speeches. [Read More] |
xitz wrote:
Subject: Santorini mermaid
Hi Orsm. It's me again... I was laying on the beach at Santorini Island just two weeks ago when this Barbie walked up the beach, she immediately caught my attention because of her pink plastic high heels ???
Double D's and you noticed her shoes...? Something you're not telling us mate...? -Orsm
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Tim wrote:
Subject: Why I will never trust an internal hard drive again
The result of the power-supply sparking out and frying all the boards in the computer. External drives only last 12-18 months if you have them on all the time. Most of my files (photos) are distributed across hundreds of CDs amongst different people. Need to get another 1TB drive soonish and maybe a spare 500Gb as they are cheap and I can back up all my photos. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Check this out
Hi ORSM. Great site BTW ............... check this pic out ............................. taken in Burgess Hill, West Sussex, UK in a
supermarket car park!! .............. bloody pissed myself with laughter!! The small lettering reads 'My job is' |
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Dubs wrote:
Subject: Lucky
Taken the other night in Patong Phuket. Lucky the dog - What he is or just his name?
I have a similar birthmark on my back that says 'massive cock'. -Orsm |
Tony wrote:
Subject: Odd advert
A bit worrying she's looking for an intimate encounter with a man who loves kids. Reckon the tabloids here in the UK would have a field day with her. |
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Andre wrote:
Subject: New Mitsubishi Lancer EVO X Highway patrol Car
Hi Orsm. Spotted this at Albert Park VIC on Monday, New Mitsubishi Lancer EVO X Highway patrol Car. First in Australia, probably the world...!! (PS please don't disclose my email) |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Sarah Palin Uncropped pic.
Here is the picture that the Republicans did not want anyone to see.. The Full uncut version that the vetting team missed.. |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: boys also have wet dreams
Hi, This is a pic of a buddy of mine after a session of heavy drinking the night before : )) Cheers |
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Greg wrote:
Subject: 250t Liebherr Accident
Incident: Friday Morning 26/09/08 - Castle Hill/Sydney. 9 Day Old 250t Leibherr Crane (never used before). $4mill price tag. Failure of back propping beneath the 200mm thick concrete deck. Crane support outrigger punches through slab causing crane to lose balance and collapse across the site and onto adjoining property. Crane balanced in the air for approx 1 hour before entire rig & boom collapse completely across site and rigs falls through to the basement level. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Bowling Party
We have a big event every year for friends and customers. Previously it has been golf. The thing was a huge hassle. I have sent you pictures the last couple years. Anyway, we switched over to bowling. It was a riot. A few pictures
attached. I am going to start a bowling league. |
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Lee wrote:
Subject: catalano's blunder
Mr Webmaster, thought you should see this. Amateurs, All companies have em. Pic's were at Madiavale Rd overpass on Roe highway about 3pm 3/10/08. Cheers. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pics of my slut ex
Hey Mr. Orsm. Thought you might like a few pics of a slut that worked at a local bar. Here are some of them, if you get good respones and post them up I'll send better ones later. Keep my details private. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pics
some pics of my ex's
Hotness. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: German Electronic Music Techno Party
Hey Mr. Orsm, have you ever seen such nice people ? It's a kind of gothic style and darkelectro music event called "night of the machines" here in germany... the kind of music they're playing there (if you're interested) you can see
it on youtube.com. They have bandnames like Suicid Commando, In Strict Confidence, Schallfaktor, Covenant, VNV Nation, And One, Combichrist, Feindflug, Reaper, Hocico and so on... very hard electronic stuff ;o) Very strange music for some ears i think ;o) |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Hot Chick Update
Mr. Orsm, It's me, Mr. Hankey Shit guy from Xmas 2006. Thought I'd send you an update on my girl Kat, the aspiring Teacher (Jan 07 and Nov 07). She sent me these to remind me of how lucky I am, and I thought it would be criminal of me not to share them with the world. Still lovin your site... (as always, no info please) |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: emailing
Orsm, Drunk lesbo chicks rock!! Plz don't display name and contact. Your great fan. |
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SavannahDragon wrote:
Subject: (no subject)
Email
This is all starting to scare me. -Orsm |
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BT wrote:
Subject: lamborghini murcielago - some guys have all the luck
I walked out a bar in St Louis and see this new hot car. I'm thinking what a lucky guy. One minute later I see this smoking hot chick come out and jump in the car. I could not get my phone out of my pocket fast enough to get a good shot. You will see in the picture that the car was not the only thing with nice wheels! I wish I had a better shot of the girl. I wish this guy was a good friend with that kind of hardware hanging around. Love your site! |
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Mark wrote:
Subject: Only In South Africa
Hi ya, Been a fan of yours for a number of years now and get withdrawal symptoms if I'm away for a week or so. Anyway here's some more Only In South Africa for you all. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Skanky ex gf vid
Hey Mr Orsm. Here's a nice skanky vid of an ex gf from a few years back giving herself a big shakin cum. She was 19 at the time and sure knew how to bring herself off - never minded me watching. Of course I had to fuck her after that. She never let a razor near her hairy pussy, which was just fine by me. I like them natural. I hope you enjoy it. |
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Stuart wrote:
Subject: Airbus A380 'Vus' Certification.
Most non-pilots have never seen this test. During the takeoff roll the pilot rotates the aircraft nose up well below normal V1 rotation speed. The
aircraft is not ready to fly so at the high angle of attack the tail hits the runway and drags along until the aircraft obtains sufficient speed to
fly itself off the ground. The tail strike is a required certification test where the pilot hits the tail of the aircraft on the runway on purpose and
then flies it off the runway showing that it can fly off after the runway scrape. Most aircraft have an oak skid placed on the tail where it is going to hit to minimize any damage to the tail. Two things to notice: 1. Just how big this aircraft is!!!! 2. As the aircraft rotates and you can see the elevators, the engine thrust
is bouncing off the runway causing the elevators to flap up and down. |
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
ORSM
VIDEO
A young boy enters a barber shop and the Barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The Barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the Barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store and says, "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?" The boy licked his ice cream cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"
| HOLLY MORGAN |
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Three women friends, one in a casual relationship one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing. The following week they met up again to compare notes: Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, “Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!
The engaged woman giggled and said, “That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!
The married woman put her glass down and said, “I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, “Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?“
ORSM
VIDEO
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A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
RANDOM SHITE
RS got a whole lot bigger this week. Why? Because my default mode is 'great guy' and I like to make you fuckers happy. Although I know it probably won't I'll still go to sleep tonight knowing that I am... a great guy. So I guess if you think about it me doing something for you guys is really me doing something for myself which therefore makes it a completely selfish act. Hmmm. Check it...
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine and on the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.
They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.
"Well, OK," he says, "how about a hand job?" "I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?" "Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that."
So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain. "What's wrong?!" she cries out. "TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!"
| PAINT THE WALLS |
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Following the problems in the financial markets around the US and Europe, uncertainty has now hit Japan.
In the last seven days Origami Bank has folded. Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today, shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
ORSM
VIDEO
Yibbida Yibbida... that's all folks! Except for the outro that is...
- Check out the site archives. There's over eight years of updates substantially better than this one.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Unless I get that better offer I've been waiting for... anyone? Yes this is a cry for help.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will get you with the old barbed wire and hose trick. Basically he'll drug you, wait until you pass out, insert the hose into your anus, slide the barbed wire up the hose, and then gently remove the hose leaving the wire dangling from inside you. Good luck getting the fucker out without causing maximum damage.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and try not to focus too much on what people say about you behind you back. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
