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Welcome to Orsm.net. Bang! I just stuck it up your bum.
I'm starting to get holiday pangs again. Well not a holiday as such... just a few days away would do the trick. With the onset of shorter days, colder nights and rain [also known as winter I believe...?] it's fast approaching the perfect time to go driving and escape the daily grind. The next hard bit is to pick a week, get everything sorted and make it happen. That said, the reality is I'm a 'when the time is right' kind of guy so expect a blog in a month or so complaining about how I still really need a holiday...
I've been watching my inbox closely this week after Outlook started crawling like a retard on heroin when my junk email folder passed 25,000 items. The fucked up part is that’s only about three or four month's worth. All fucking spam. All of it. This got me thinking – who buys their shit? Personally I never would. If they don’t have a problem sending tens of millions of unsolicited emails, through hacked relays and zombie PC's, which you can't unsubscribe from, then I doubt they'd have a problem misappropriating your credit card details.
Anyway I'm yet to meet anyone that has so let's hear it. Ever bought anything from a spam email? What was it? Did you get what you paid for? Any problems? Drop me a line!
Moving on to my weekend which was somewhere between ordinary and fantabulous. Firstly, I'm happy to announce the long running Battle of the Bougainvillea has ended. Twenty minutes, a 4wd and some rope, it didn’t look so tough. I win.
Saturday was nothing out of the ordinary except I had my second lottery win in a row. That's a grand total of around $60 in winnings for the year. Wooo... retirement here I come...
From there it was grocery shopping. It was around lunch time so the place was busy as hell. Walked past the row of checkouts and finally settled on one that looked like my best chance of getting through before dinner. There was a lady being served, another behind her and then me. I decide with a couple of minute wait to make a phone call. Blah blah blah chatting away I turn back around to notice another 'woman' has literally pushed her pram in front of my trolley. Okay...
Now it's at this point you make a decision. Do I just say 'fuck her' and unload my shit on to the conveyor OR ignore the rudeness and offer to let her in. I choose the latter on account of she is holding two things – a bottle of milk and a loaf of bread. "Would you like to go ahead of me?" I say over-enthusiastically. "Oh... wow... well that would be great," the cunt says trying to act surprised. So she plonks down her milk and bread... and would you believe proceeds to start unloading other groceries stashed in, on and around the pram. No shit at least twenty separate items. I don’t think there was even a kid in the pram! Unbelievable.
The best bit came when she was finished. Looked directly at me -eye contact- and looked away. No acknowledgement or thanks, like I'd never let her in, like I was some chucklehead in a line behind her. People are such cunts and it fucked me off so on the off chance you're the fat, past-your-prime, faux blonde bitch with bad manners who I let in front of me at Woolworths on Saturday then not only do I hope you break your leg in six places, but that I'm there to see it.
Sunday... after getting the Mother's Day stuff out of the way relatively early it was home, change of clothes and outside to hack into the garden. Its council 'green waste' collection time again so I wanted to rip out as much shit as possible... and that I did. It was all going well until out one deeply rooted plant suddenly let go causing me to jerk backwards and hyper-extend my knee... the same knee which had just started to feel better after hurting it earlier in the week. Pain but I muscled on because shit had to be done.
The good part is that I managed to remove another problem plant from the garden. The bad part is I've barely been able to walk since. The worst part is there's more to be done this weekend...
Anyway I've had enough of listening to myself dribble shit so I'll STFU and get on with the update... just like that. Check it...
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There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?" With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. "Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!"
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Now that the Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd has finally said 'Sorry', the Aboriginal union is holding a meeting tomorrow to decide whether to end their 220 year strike and start working...
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Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China? Everybody won.
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Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98. Two years older than me" she replied. "So you're 96? Hardly worth going home, is it?" he said.
| CANDY CANDY I CAN'T LET YOU GOOOOO... |
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Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.
Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?" The Government Employee called his cat and said, "Coffee Break... do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet - ate the cookies... drank the milk... shit on the paper... screwed the other three cats... claimed he injured his back while doing so... filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions... put in for Workers Compensation... and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave!
ORSM
VIDEO
- CLICK HERE TO SEE A TASTY BRUNETTE BABE GET FUCKED ULTRA HARD! -
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have confession to make I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods"."Tiger Woods... the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" ask the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat.
He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this fucking hole!"
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READER MAIL
If you would like to contribute to Reader Mail and have your stuff ogled by millions thus enlarging your e-penis then we're always keen on compromising pics of your Ex or current chick, fucked up videos, car stuff, cool shit, jokes or whatever... its all good! All you need to do is click here and make the magic happen.
Chris wrote:
Subject: I don't know bout being a retard and sucking at life...
...but I sure LOVE the the "apple bottom jeans" song, at least THIS version.
Nup sorry dude. Still gay. -Orsm |
Ron wrote:
Subject: MRAP damage???????????? G/day ORSM.
Been a bit of a fan for a while now, the more mature variety 47 vintage.
Would just like to make comment on the fots of the MRAP vehicle that supposodly ran over a 500lb aerial bomb with fuck all damage to the crew?????? What a crock of shit!!!! I'm well qualified to say that as I served with the 3rd Cav Regt in Viet-nam & most of our battle casualties/veh damage was from mines. A 500 lb bomb leaves a crater half the size of a footy field & believe me if that MRAP had driven over one it & the poor bloody crew would still be in orbit... Going past Pluto by now. Any sceptics out there can Google images, 500lb bomb crater, that should give em an idea. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Boxing injury
Rare footage of Orsm boxing in his (white) thong.
I'll admit that it does look a lot like me except I am way more muscley and have a much bigger penis. -Orsm |
Katia wrote:
Subject: Green Thing MacBook Air expose
Hello,
This Months Green Thing is all about sticking with what you got. Here is our mac clad reporter Mac Man Macmanaman and his shocking expose on how admen use devious tricks to get us to buy stuff we don't need. Check out the video here. Buying too much stuff puts an insane strain on the environment. It's a waste of the raw materials used to make them as well as the fossil fuels used to produce and transport them. And with peer pressure and ad pressure telling us we're inadequate until we get the latest thing, it puts a strain on our happiness too.
So let's stick not twist. Let's value what we have. The laptop you've got may not fit into an envelope – but it won't be accidently posted either. |
Ryan wrote:
Subject: A delicate situation....??
Hey ORSM, just thought I would pop this on over to you....you might be able to use it on the site. Taken in a game reserve somewhere in South Africa. A sexually charged Elephant bull is probably not something that you would like to come face to face with on a narrow gravel road. |
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Blair wrote:
Subject: After a short stay in America
American obesity epidemic spreads to inanimate objects! After a short stay in America, Michelangelo's David returned to Europe!! |
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Iluka Llama Farmer wrote:
Subject: Dubai
An amazing view of one of Dubai's city skylines. This picture was not taken from an airplane, but from the world's tallest building: Burj Dubai @ 2,620 ft / 801m!!! |
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Eugene wrote:
Subject: random shite pic
A Mate of mine sent me this, his mate took it in Nigeria. Love you web page too! Cheers |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: photos of the wreck of the Porsche Cayman of FRANCOIS STERCHELE
This accident happened last week to a famous footballplayer in Belgium, François Sterchele, playing for Club Brugge. The guy was very popular because he was always so friendly. After a party he drove his one year old Porsche Cayman of the road against a tree. Justice isn't going to say what caused the accident. Sorry to say but he didn't survive the crash (who would?) There were rumours that he drove at a speed of 217 km/h and that he was very drunk, but nobody wants to confirm. There was nobody else involved in the accident. He was burried today 13/05/08 under a massive attention. Keep my details private pls |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Hot chick
Long time reader, first time with something worth submitting.... Some pics of a Jewish American Princess I was fucking and had convinced that I was going to leave my wife for.... Please keep my info private... Peace |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: tits
yo orsm. this has to be seen to be believed. okay i take no cerdit she's got a fugly head but the things i would do with/to/on her tits.. laters dude and please put me as withheld.
Either she's not THAT bad or I have low standards...? Definitely racktacular though. -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: WTF?
please no details...
I think he's just misunderstood... -Orsm
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Jansen wrote:
Subject: Vernon of the day!
You had this clown on your site a few updates ago. Don’t know whether you want to use these. The last one is the best!!!! |
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Mac wrote:
Subject: Salmon in WA
Some people cant get enough... This is extreme fishing, where the keen fishermen are seperated from the mad bastards. Shots taken from the South Coast of West Aus May 2008.
Did you catch anything? -Orsm
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mike wrote:
Subject: Why Texans carry guns
So you're taking a stroll out on the ranch, and run into THESE!!!!! |
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Terry wrote:
Subject: French canadians
Salute people!!! don`t know any French canadians but who cares.
Wow. -Orsm
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V wrote:
Subject: The Universe/The Human universe
Interesting journey into outer and inner space.
Hope you enjoy this as much as I did!
I found that music surprisngly catchy. Oh and you guys will need PoerPoint to view this. -Orsm
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Imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The DJs play a game where they award winners prizes for playing a game called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers 'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. Here's how it all went down:
DJ: Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of Mate Match?
Contestant: (laughing) Yes, I have.
DJ: Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please.
Contestant: Brian.
DJ: Brian, are you married or what?
Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes, I am married.
DJ: Thank you. Now, what is your wifes name? First only please.
Brian: Sara.
DJ: Is Sara at work, Brian?
Brian: She is gonna kill me.
DJ: Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?
Brian: (laughing) Yes, she's at work.
DJ: Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?
Brian: About 8 o'clock this morning.
DJ: Atta boy, Brian.
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well...
DJ: Question #2 - How long did it last?
Brian: About 10 minutes.
DJ: Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.
Brian: Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.
DJ: Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) I, ummm, I, well...
DJ: This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?
Brian: Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks...
DJ: Uh huh...
Brian: ...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.
DJ: Atta boy, Brian.
Brian: On the kitchen table.
DJ: Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.
DJ: Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we? (Touch tones... ringing...)
Clerk: Kinkos.
DJ: Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?
Clerk: This is she.
DJ: Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.
Sarah: (laughing) A couple of hours?
DJ: Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of Mate Match?
Sarah: No.
DJ: Good!
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to?
Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.
DJ: Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
Sarah: (laughing) Yes.
DJ: Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?
Sarah: Oh God, Brian... uh, this morning before Brian went to work.
DJ: What time?
Sarah: Around 8 this morning.
DJ: Very good. Next question. How long did it last?
Sarah: 12, 15 minutes maybe.
DJ: Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?
Sarah: (laughing) Yes.
DJ: Where did you have it?
Sarah: OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?
Brian: Just tell him, honey.
DJ: What is bothering you so much, Sarah?
Sarah: Well...
DJ: Come on Sarah... where did you have it?
Sarah: Up the arse...
Dead silence. Hysterical laughter. Cut to commercial. It's unknown if Brian and Sarah won.
ORSM
VIDEO
Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter." Dave was stunned "You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. You've got to send me back straight away."
St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Dave, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode." "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?" "Never!" replies Dave. "Well just relax and let it happen"
So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.
An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting... "Dave, wake up you drunken bastard! You've shit the bed!".
| JESSICA JAYMES |
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A muscular body builder type is walking along the beach, when he happens upon a woman with no arms or legs lying in the sand. She looks up at him imploringly and says, "Please sir can you help me, I'm 30 years old and I've never been kissed."" Feeling sorry for her he leans down and gives her a kiss.
She then says, "I hate to put you out, but I've never had a man touch my breasts." He's a little repulsed but, being a good sort and not wanting to hurt her feelings, he begins to stroke and caress her breasts.
After a few minutes of this she whispers in his ear, "You know, I've never been fucked." So he picks her up, throws her as far into the sea as he can and shouts, "You are now!"
Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says. "You dirty bastard!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."
The bloke apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off." She says, "You dirty filthy pervert! You're banned. Get out!!"
Again, the bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again. "One more chance," says the barmaid, "Now - what do you want?" "I want to turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup."
The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.
"What's up love?" he asks. "There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off!" she says. "I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the Husband.
"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off" she screams. "Right! He's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a cricket bat.
"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all!" she cries.
The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on.
"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically. "Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who can drink 15 pints of Guinness..."
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A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running."
| SELF SHOT |
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Way down in dat old swamp known as Louisiana, Boudreaux's old lady's been pregnant for some time, and now her time had come. So, he brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said,
"Hey, Boudreaux, you just had you a son! Aint dat just grand"? Boudreaux got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished up yet!"
The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Boudreaux! You got you a daughter!
She a pretty lil ting, too." Boudreaux was kind of puzzled by all this, and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!"
The doctor then delivered another boy and said, " Boudreaux, you just had yourself another boy!"
When Boudreaux and Marie went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we runned out of dat dere Vaseline and we
had to use dat dere 3-in-1 oil?" She said, "Yeah, I do." "Man", Boudreaux said, "it's a damn good ting we didn't use no WD-40!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Well dudes that’s me for another week so without any further ado please standby as I skip to the outro in 3... 2...
- Check out the site archives. They're ronrey rithout you...
- Next update will be sometime between next Wednesday and Friday.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will take you to Vegas on a gambling trip. Placed as a counter, he'll signal that the table is hot, and announce that the drinks are 'too SWEET' indicating the count is to 16+. What you don’t know is that he's been counting wrong deliberately and after you wager your entire life savings on a hand, he walks away with your money. Because that's what happens when you don't tell your peeps to check out Orsm... Ray will fuck your shit up.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ??? . Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
